a note from the author:
One of the things I enjoy about Science Fiction is the chance to take ideas that wouldn't work in the real world and have a little fun with them. A theme I find curious is the idea that aliens are studying Earth culture via old TV and radio broadcasts they've picked up from deep space, then basing all their in-sights and observations about us from, say, 45-year old episodes of the "Lawrence Welk Show." The aliens in the movie, "Galaxy Quest," for example, take all the fictional elements of that show literally, calling them "historical documents" (they also "weep for those poor people" marooned on "Gilligan's Island").
This begs the question of why any advanced civilization capable of warp speed should choose to spend all its free time monitoring the AM radio dial, but most writers simply ignore that. Perhaps aliens are TV addicts just like the rest of us. Dave Langford had a similar idea when he had his invading aliens say, "We have long studied your Terran broadcasts and analyzed every detail of your primitive speech. Now, take us to your leader. Take us to ... Tinky Winky!" (of "Teletubbies" fame)
Another peculiar idea is that the sexiest creatures in all the universe, regardless of your species or compatible genitalia, are human women in general and white human women in particular. The fact that this trope arose in America during the 1950s and 60s is not surprising; it allowed film companies to feed into the racist fear that untrustworthy, nefarious black men were constantly trying to "abduct" (read: rape) white women. What's interesting about this is that when stories reverse this trope, when it's white men doing the romancing of hot alien babes, it is treated positively. Captain Kirk, from "Star Trek," is never portrayed as an intergalactic rapist, though his motivations tend to be no different from the alien's (read: they're both perpetually horny and have commitment issues).
This isn't going to be one of those stories.
Instead, this story attempts to answer the age-old question plaguing extraterrestrial philosophers ever since they first picked up our distant radio signals broadcasted over 100 years ago: "now that we know that there is intelligent life out there, how can we find out if Earth girls easy?"
* * *
Foolish Earthlings, hello! how are you? the weather here is good. By the time your primitive boffins and scientists have decoded this we will be among you. Some of us have argued that we should have started this letter with,
"Resistance is Useless!"
but that seemed a little over the top. We understand your surprise at our attempts at First Contact. No one believed that your human affairs were being watched keenly and closely by intelligences far greater than Mankind's. Yet, across that gulf of space, intellects dark and brooding (but in a sensitive sort of way) have studied your Earth for a long time, usually when you were changing and unaware that the window-shade had not been pulled down all the way. That is why we send you this declaration: We are on a scientific mission to record and sample your planet's copious stores of pornography. But do not worry, all we want to do is watch.
