Dear John Derr

I am John Derr and I am back in Iraq. This time it is because I want to be here. I have always heard the phrase "to hell and back". Well I have been to hell and back and then back to hell again. I am working for a lot more money than the last time I was here. But let me go back and tell you the story from the start.

When I graduated from high school and thought I was going to college I got a rude awakening. My older (2 Years) brother was already in college and my fathers company was downsizing. My father didn't lose his job but he had to take a different job at less pay. So when it came time for me to go to college the funds were not there. I thought okay I will work a couple of years and save up and then I can go to college and work until I get my degree. Yeah, sure thing.

I decided to join the army guard and help out my cause with a weekend a month and two weeks a year. I joined and spent my six months in boot camp and training. I came home and found a job and started to build my college fund. I lived at home, which saved me some. I paid my folks rent and board, even had a little money I could party with ever once in a while. I did not plan on meeting anyone that would make me change my plans.

I was at a party one night walking around with a bottle of beer in my hand when I saw this vision. I thought I had died and this beautiful young angel in a blue dress the same color as her eyes was there to escort me to see Saint Peter. I dropped my beer and stood there with my brain going ten different directions. I thought I was on a roller coaster, tilt-a-whirl combination and it was running twice the speed of sound or sight or something like that. She saw me and started giggling and walked over and picked up what was left of my beer and gave it back to me and said, " I think you may have had enough for tonight."

When I stopped stuttering and spitting and trying to calm myself down I finally said, "My God, woman, you are the prettiest thing I have ever seen. Do you mind if I just stare at you for a while?"

She laughed and said, "Lets walk over to the couch and sit down and I will bring you another beer and we can talk. That is when you catch your breath and calm down and no, I don't mind if you stare as long as you don't start drooling."

She laughed as she walked away. By the time she returned I was calm enough to hold a conversation without making a bigger fool of myself. We talked for about an hour before I found the nerve to ask her to dance. We danced a fast one and then when a slow song came on she pulled me into her body and whispered in my ear, "Can you feel them? They are real and it feels good to have them pressed next to your body."

While I started to sweat, I said, "Woman, I thought you was an angel but I am beginning to think you may be a devil. This is torture but please don't stop."

We danced until the party started to break up. I asked if I could drive her home to which she replied, "I have my own car but I will give you my phone number and you can call me tomorrow night after six o'clock."

We kissed goodnight and her lips tasted like strawberry vanilla chocolate peach and I said, "Wow, I could get used to that."

She laughed and "Tomorrow night after six."

I don't remember going home but I got there safe and went to sleep dreaming of the angel that had come into my life. I had dreams of swimming in a river of strawberry vanilla chocolate peach syrup. When I woke up I was covered in syrup but it wasn't what I had dreamed of. The day drug out into what seemed like a week.

We started dating and since I was living at home still, our lovemaking was confined to the back seat of my car or sometimes when her landlord was out of town we could go to her apartment. The lovemaking was hot and we tried about everything we had heard of and then some. We were in love.

We had talked about me going to college and what I had to do to accomplish that. She volunteered that she would work and I could go to school and work a part time job and we would make it. We could get married and live in college housing and she would stay on the pill so we didn't have any surprises. So we set the date for the wedding and started to plan our future. Then Uncle Sam threw a monkey wrench in those plans when my guard unit was called up to go to Iraq. I got a taste of heaven and now I was going to hell.

Of course the wedding plans were put on hold and she promised she would wait for me. We wrote every day for about three months. Sometimes I would get three or four letters at a time. We both were still making plans and looking forward to the day I returned home. Then about six months into my deployment the letters dropped off to every other day and then to two a week and my brothers' name started to appear in just about every letter. It was about something he had done or said and she wanted to tell me about it. There was not anyway I could say anything without hunting someone's feelings so I didn't even mention it in my letters, which had dropped off to match hers.

I had three months until we were to be rotated back to the states when I got the following letter.

Dear John Derr,

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I won't draw it out into a long pitiful letter. I must tell you that Frank and I have fallen in love and we are getting married the first Saturday of next month. I am sorry. I did not expect anything like this to happen. We started to hang around with each other when he would come home from college and before we knew it we were making out. This is hard to tell you also. We were using your car because he had put his in the shop for repairs. That is not right. Yours has a bigger back seat. I told you I would not drag this out. I hope you can forgive us and wish us the best.

We love you, Frank and Annie

Let me tell you I went from being stationed in hell to being in hell in hell if you know what I mean. I was glad I was only issued a sidearm and didn't have to wear that except when we moved from one position to another. I wanted to shoot something or somebody. I had been sending most of my paycheck home to be put in a joint checking account with Annie. It didn't take long for me to stop that. The thought of my money going to her to take my car and use it to screw my brother didn't help my disposition. I finally talked myself into putting all this aside and getting on with my life. I said that but I wasn't sure I meant it. I would be able to put it aside after I kicked Franks' ass. Maybe.

The three months went by fast and it was time for my unit to return home. I knew this meant a week or two in Fort Stewart and then a chartered bus ride home where all the families and friends would be waiting. I didn't want to be a part of that. Frank and Annie would be there along with my momma and daddy, and some uncles and aunts. Nope, I didn't want take on Frank on government property. That would land me in a military prison somewhere.

Two days before the unit was to depart Iraq I came down with a mysterious stomach virus and was put in the hospital. Well it was mysterious to the doctors, not to me. I would put up with it until my unit was gone and then I would be over it. This worked out very well for me. I left Iraq one week after my unit and arrived the day after they had left for home from Fort Stewart. I had a week of debriefings and turning in gear before I was released to go home. I was given a ticket to ride the gray hound dog back to my hometown. I arrived about nine o'clock at night and caught a cab to my parents' house. They were glad to see me of course they asked all the normal questions. My mom wanted to call Frank and Annie but I told her I was tired and didn't feel up to it. I learned Frank had left the big college and transferred to the local school. I had the first good night of sleep in over a year. I woke up refreshed and ready to go the next morning.

I went out to check out my car. When I opened the door I almost passed out from the smell. When Annie and I would soak the seat, I would always spray it and leave the windows down and let it air out. Frank and Annie were not doing that and it smelled like the proverbial French whorehouse. I finally took the back seat out and put it next to the fence on the back side of the lot. I soaked it down pretty good with some strong disinfectant and left it. I had a few errands to run and a little business to take care of.

The next day mom told me that Frank and Annie were coming to supper. I told her I would be down at the "Dew-Drop-In" as I was leaving for Houston the next morning and I wanted to say goodbye to a few friends. I didn't tell her I was going to kick Franks' ass wherever I met him and I did not want to do it in Moms' living room. I told her I had a job with a company and I was going back to Iraq as a civilian. She cried and wanted to talk me out of it but I had made up my mind. I packed all my belongings in my car. I left the seat out because it still smelled and I didn't want to be reminded of Frank and Annie all the way to Houston and what they had been doing in my car.

I was sitting at the "Dew" drinking my first beer of the night when Frank and Annie walked in and started toward me. I stood and waited as Frank approached and had his arms out to hug me. Damn, he sure was trusting. When he got within range I hit him once in the stomach and twice in the face and as he was sliding across the dance floor on his ass, I turned to Annie. The thought popped into my head, "You don't hit pregnant women." Pregnant women. Hell, Annie looked about five months along. She had a look of horror on her face and turned and ran toward the restrooms. I reached for my beer and it slipped out of my hand. I had popped my thumb out of joint. I guess I am going to stop drinking beer or stop meeting Annie. I twisted my thumb back in place and left the bar and then left town that night for Houston. My thumb hurt all the way but it was a good hurt.

I checked in with the company and since I had filled out all the paperwork while in Iraq all I had to do was drop off my belongings and they would ship them. I picked up my tickets and paperwork and got the normal briefing. I kept a carry on with the essentials and went to south Houston and got a motel room for the night. I was to fly out of Hobby airport to Dallas the next morning. The man at the company told me I could leave my car in a lot there. I told him I had a friend that would take care of it for me. I probably made a friend that night as I left it on a side street with the keys on the floorboard. I hope he didn't mind that it didn't have a back seat and a funny smell. It was gone the next morning as we passed by in the airport shuttle.

Well, I am back in hell but this time I am making good money. The sand is as dry and irritating as before and the bugs are just as bad but I don't mind as much. I am in a different place in Iraq and not in as much danger. I am going to stay as long as they will let me. I want to put this warning out to the college girls a couple of years down the road. The "Man From Hell" will be at a college near you and I will be searching for a piece of heaven.

Just so you know I am not a complete asshole. I did call my mom and dad and set things straight with them. Frank and Annie can go to hell as long as it not my piece of hell.