The following is the text of a leaked internal training course for the Salope Corporation -- a tech start-up founded in the midst of the sharing economy bubble of the mid-2010's:
----
Salope Corporation Orientation v.1.3.2
Welcome to Salope! We are so thrilled that you are here and will be joining our dynamic work environment! You are about to become part of a team of innovators, pioneers and entrepreneurs at the leading edge of information, software and development. The following training module is meant to provide you with information about what to expect in your new workplace environment.
Here at Salope, we place tremendous value on all of our employees. We want to make sure that everyone has the best possible workplace experience. To ensure this, we use a novel and innovative process to screen prospective employees before they join our team. We want to guarantee that everyone is compatible with the expectations of our workplace policies and will be satisfied with their experience.
You may remember this screening from your interview. At that time you were asked to complete a series of questionnaires and cognitive tests. The fact that you are here means that you have passed! Congratulations! We are so excited that you share our vision for the workplace.
At Salope, you may find that the workplace culture is somewhat different from your previous experiences. Here we practice a policy of 'open utilization' -- that means that all team member resources are available for use by any other team members at any time. We believe that this gives our team members the freedom they need to succeed. In practice, this means that you don't need to worry about booking team resources ahead of time or about certain resources being for the exclusive use of other team members. Here, all resources are available for use at any time. This also means that your resources may be shared with other team members.
Don't worry! You don't need to be concerned about your fellow team members being unwilling to share their resources. Our screening process is a failsafe method for ensuring that your fellow team members are happy to provide their resources to other team members at any time. Through a series of innovative tests and questions based on cutting-edge psychology, we can guarantee that your team members are not just motivated and hard-working, but also share the same values and commitment to open utilization. We believe that this policy helps foster Cohesion, Connection and Community.
The following example illustrates open utilization in the workplace and how you can expect this policy to operate in your time at Salope:β¨β¨Yvette is working on a sales report for management so that they can review the success of a new product. For this report, she wants to incorporate some of the strategic marketing data that Ahmed has collected for his new project.
Open utilization means that Yvette can freely use Ahmed's data in her report, while crediting Ahmed for his work. These data are made available in a shared document that Yvette can easily place in her report to show management. While in some work places this information would be siloed in different departments, our open utilization policy means that Yvette does not need to ask permission or wait to get to these resources. Open utilization Streamlines, Smoothens and Simplifies work for everyone! With open utilization, we can all get what we need faster and easier.
Here is another example that illustrates how our open utilization policy might work in a different context to benefit the well-being of our team members:
Ahmed has been working a lot of late nights and not been able to spend a lot of time at home. This has come at a cost to his mental health and has meant that he has not been able to maintain the usual level of intimacy with his wife. At the same time, he has noticed that Yvette wears short, tight fitting skirts that usually cut off a few inches above the knee. He has also noticed that she is petite and has a small bottom that he finds appealing, especially when she is leaning over her desk to talk to her neighbor Amy -- as is often her habit. At Salope, our open utilization policy means that Ahmed can use Yvette as a resource. He has the freedom to lift up her skirt and take her over her desk while she is talking to Amy, or at any other time. He is at full liberty to pull her panties aside and fill her up. He may even ejaculate inside of her or onto her skirt as he prefers. Ahmed can thus ameliorate some of the mental health burden from his work with the help of a fellow team member.
While in another work setting this kind of relationship between colleagues would be frowned upon, here at Salope, we believe that open utilization of intimate contact is Forward-thinking, Freeing and Fun!