Rejections

Rejections that should, but don't work:

You would thinking telling a guy you're not interested works. However, he doesn't comprehend the notion that someone isn't interested in his gold-embossed skin. Because clearly, he's a walking Oscar Award, and every woman should worship him.

A guy is hitting on you in a bar and won't fuck off. So you tell him you're HIV Positive. Doesn't work, but "pat yourself on the booty" because you fed that lie so damn good he believed it. In fact, so did the girl you were flirting with, DAMN. Unfortunately he didn't care and now your gay best friend is playing bodyguard.

A guy hits on you while you're walking to your car. (Like it isn't creepy enough he's following you. DUH ASSHOLE, I'm walking AWAY). He asks you out. You tell him you're married. He doesn't care. Then he asks what part of town you live in. You give him a whole fucking other state, one you randomly pick on the other side of the country. He'll have to fly out to see you. Hope he pays full-price.

You're at a restaurant with your best straight man-friend. Some douche decides it's appropriate to grind you. (Gross). Nobody at the restaurant does anything to stop him. You tell him you're not into men. He tells you how much he likes eating pussy, then hits on your hetero man. You contemplate spiking his drink, and wonder where the hell rapists get their shit. Then remind yourself you're a decent human being, and simply get up and leave the restaurant with your friend. You were the one being assaulted, why do you have to leave the venue?

A girl presses her body against you and asks for your phone number. You tell her you have a girlfriend. She begrudgingly wishes you luck with that, then sneers at you. The rejection worked for her, but now the other women are glaring at you, at least until their friends take a bathroom break. Then they ask you out because their friends aren't looking. Why was that hard on them? And what the hell?

You walk with a rape whistle around your neck, and for whatever reason men hit on you more. You may as well toot 'SOS' morse code whenever you leave the apartment.

A guy that is supposed to be a friend texts you for a midnight fuck. Like what the hell? You're a LESBIAN. You spend thirty minutes arguing over text why this is a no go for you. Finally you give up, and give him the address of a mental institute. You'd think that'd be the end of it. But instead you have to block him from all your social networking sites, inform your apartment security and talk to the local cops.

A guy asks to kiss you, and rather than tell him you're gay for the 100th time, you bust out laughing in his face. Great, now you have another stalker. That goes on for a year, and you've had to change your phone number twice. Then you find out the female friend he got your new number from (she should've asked you first), was one of several of your friends he fucked and tossed out of anger at you. You apologize to your friends and move to a new city until stalker boy disappears. Except, you never moved. You just deleted your Facebook and went under the radar.

You get cornered by a 300 pound black woman in a public restroom. She calls you her skinny white girl (and several offensive variations), as if it were a sexy pet name. She's stupidly drunk, and doesn't understand NO means NO. You're a trained fighter, but you know if she so much as grabs you, you're going down like you ran yourself into a brick wall. Luckily three of her friends come in, apologize, and block her into the corner so you can make your escape. Then you spend ten minutes convincing your friend it's time to leave. He laughs and looks at you as if you said, "We have to leave now! A 300-pound gorilla is coming for blood!" You glare at him and tell him you're taking a cab home if he doesn't come now. Didn't he see King Kong? Even Laura Croft dies in the video games! It's not like you're Phoenix from X-Men.

A guy asks you out in a clothing store. You skip to the chase and tell him you're gay. For some reason he convinces himself his dick will cure that. As if gayness is a disease. You ignore him and inform the concierge he's sexually harassing you. Thank god for mall security, until the security guard is asking for your phone number. Damn.

A guy offers to go down on you. You didn't ask him to. He just put it out there. Wow. Disgusting. You inform him you have a rare parasite which is highly contagious, and causes inflammation of the spleen and rupture of the appendix. He finds himself willing to die. Oh dear lord. Where was this guy when Jesus was being crucified?

A guy presses himself against you and whispers in your ear while you're in the middle of flirting with a girl. You have to point out that you're in the middle of something and he's interrupting. Then have to explain that he's uninvited, because apparently "interrupting" wasn't in his dictionary. "Clearly, she didn't send out an invite. I haven't licked any stamps lately. Hm. Wonder what that means? Oh, you're not on the guest list?" No, not next time, douche.

A girl walks up to you and asks you out. Her walk is excessively vain, but you give her the benefit of the doubt because she seems respectful. Right when you think she's respectful, she asks for a threesome with you and your supposed girlfriend, your hetero buddy sitting next to you with a look of 'what the fuck?' disdainfully painted on her face. Can you just sit in your friend's lap and pretend you're dating? Could your friend handle this one? Since apparently rejection blows up in your face? Nope, she sits there looking for your leadership. Of course she wants to watch the Masquerade. Who wouldn't want to watch a monkey in a mask tap-dancing to the music of social guillotines?

A girl eyes you. You refuse eye-contact. You'd think that would be a vivid hint, but she waits for your friend to go to the bathroom and approaches you guarding the coats. She feels it's appropriate to grope your leg. You feel it's inappropriate, and when you reject her and insist she listen, you're the one that's reprimanded. Your friend comes back and confesses to having expected something to occur, yet she left you conveniently isolated, even though her intuition was blaring 'Red Alert'. Thank you, friend.

You give a guy a Google Voice rejection voicemail. ;) He thought he was calling your phone number. Why spend forty minutes rejecting him when Google can do it for you? Whoohoo! You were so psyched, until he stalks you on Facebook and gets your number from one of your friends. WTF! Seriously, your friends must enjoy the stories.

You come home with a BPA-Free sticker on your ass. It's strategically placed in an area you dare not recount. You didn't feel anyone put it there, and don't want to think about it. Instead, you snap photos and post them for your friends, as if the plastic-free sticker were a compliment rather than assault.

Some boys pull-up in their crappy car hooting and whistling. This is what you get for being in downtown Atlanta in the middle of the night after performing on stage. Thank god your lady friend came with a menacing growl and a bra knife. You didn't have to handle this one YAY. But you two still can't walk to the car without your male dance partners guarding.

You're at a Gay Men's pub wing-manning your buddy ;) This is how we sift out the no-goers. A man approaches you after hitting on your friend. He says some very poorly sculpted erotic phrases, then asks to do you. You tell him you're pregnant. You look at yourself. No one's going to believe that. Shit. He looks at you, waiting, unfazed. Rather than admit you're lying and spend time rejecting him, you tell him you'll meet him in the ladies room for a fuck. "Go on ahead, take your shirt and pants off. I'll be there in five minutes." Then, of course, you notify your friends and go to a safe area, although you were tempted to tell any of the other boys at the bar he's waiting for them in the ladies room. So tempting, but you wouldn't do that to another person.

Your dating life sucks. Women ask you out, but never call. Men hit on you all the time, and well face it, you're gay. The projectile bile in their mouths will never make kissing sexy. If you were hetero, you'd rule the world like a Mongol Emperor, but that's not this lifetime.... yaaaay :( reincarnation.... You decide to tell every guy that asks you out you have AIDS because HIV isn't enough. Then you start telling your female friends. Because maybe the men will believe it, if the women tell them it's true. Who cares you're never going to have a girlfriend or get married. Wasn't happening anyway :D!!! Haha haha ha :(! All you need is your lucky taser and a blood test, in case you find someone you like that ACTUALLY likes you.