It was February the thirteenth, and Cupid was depressed. After years of trying, Psyche, the nympho from down the street, had finally agreed to go on a date with him. The problem was that she wanted to go out on Valentine's Day, the only day of the year he absolutely had to work. There was no way he could help the mortals fall in love and have time for a tryst of his own, so he was trying to devise a plan that would allow him to take the day off. Hours passed, and he had just about given up, when he got an idea:
"I will call my mother, Aphrodite, and see if maybe she can fill in for me. After all, she is the Goddess of Love!" He ran to the phone excitedly.
"Hello mother, how is everything?"
"Things are great here. How are you, Cupid?"
"I am fine, mother. Look, I have a huge favor to ask of you. Do you think... that you could fill in for me tomorrow? Something has come up, and I just don't think I am up to it this year."
"What! Now what is so important that it has to be done on Valentine's Day? Can't you reschedule?"
"I wish I could, mother, but it cannot be helped. So, will you work for me, please?"
"Son, under any other circumstances I would be more than willing to help you, but your father and I have plans for tomorrow. I am sorry, but you will have to work."
"I really need this year off. Do you think it would be okay if I asked Anteros to work for me? I know it is a stretch, but it would mean a lot."
"Well, I guess you could try, but I really don't think he..."
"Thanks mom, I am going to call him right now! I love you!"
"I love you, Cupid, goodbye!"
"Wow, she agreed way too easily, a pleasant surprise," thought Cupid. "Now all I have to do is convince Anteros to work for me. Since he is the God of Slighted Love, this may not be so simple. I will stew over this a bit, then call my little brother." Cupid went to fix himself some lunch, and began devising his plan of attack.
As he was preparing his grilled cheese sandwich, he took a drink of water and choked on it, coughing and sputtering. "That's it, I have my plan!" he said mischievously, and went to call his brother.
"Anteros, my brother, I have a big problem, and I was hoping that you could help me out. I have come down with a cold, and can't even get out of bed.(sniffling) As you are well aware, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and someone has to help the mortals fall in love.(coughing) Do you think you can do it?"
"Cupid, you know how I hate for people to be happy and in love...but because you are sick, I will help you out just this once. This is going to be tough, so I hope you appreciate what I am doing for you. Feel better soon!"
"Thanks Anteros, you don't know how much this means to me. I owe you!"
Cupid jumped up and down excitedly. "I can't believe he bought it! Now, it is time to get ready for my big date with Psyche."
The next morning, Anteros woke up early so he could stop by and check on his big brother before he began the festival of love. He reached the front door and was about to knock, when he heard Cupid talking to himself. Anteros leaned in closer so he could hear what was going on.
"Okay, the champagne is chilling, the lobster and oysters were just delivered, and Mr. Winky is ready and willing to go. Look out Psyche, Cupid is on the prowl!"
Anteros dropped his hand in disgust. "So, he tricked me into working for him just so he could get laid. I guess I'll just have to teach him a lesson. Time to have some fun!" Armed with Cupid's bow and arrows, Anteros flew away looking for someone who needed 'help' with love.
It wasn't long before he spied Tim writing a letter to Cindy, a girl he had loved for a long time, but had never had the guts to tell her. Anteros flew in close to see what he had written.
Dearest Cindy,
We have been friends for a very long time, but my feelings for you have grown. So, on this Valentine's Day, I want you to know that I...
Anteros drew back his bow and let an arrow fly. The arrow pierced Tim's hand.
"Oops, I missed!" Anteros giggled, "Let's see what happens now!"
...want to tear off all of your clothes and kiss every inch of your body. Then I am going to suck on your clit until you beg me to stop. We will have sex all night long, and when we are done, you will be mine forever, so prepare yourself for a wild ride!
Tim
"Man, this is too much fun!" Anteros laughed. "Let's see what other kind of trouble I can cause."
"Well, will you look at that! Jake is flirting with a bunch of girls at the park. Ah Jake, you broke Molly's heart because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants-let's teach you a lesson!"
Anteros shoots an arrow at Jake, hitting him below the belt. He immediately unzipped his pants, pulled his pecker out, and began jerking himself off vigorously, without a care in the world except getting himself off. All of the girls screamed and scattered in different directions, yelling out obscenities as they went.
"I guess my aim is off a little. Let's go and try again," Anteros flew away, laughing.
After several hours of wrecking havoc, Anteros decided to stop for a while and rest his wings across the street from a fancy restaurant. As he looked through the window, he saw Sara, a woman whose words were known to hurt people, having lunch with several businessmen.
"Sara, your mouth has always gotten you into trouble. What do you say we take it up a notch!" He shoots Sara in the mouth with an arrow, and she excuses herself from the table. She sneaks back and slides under the tablecloth, where she begins sucking off her boss.
"So John, what do you think of our proposal? Do you think you can help us?"
"Oh yes, I like that very much! Why don't you give me more? My God, what a beautiful mouth, I mean proposal, you have, oh yessss!" His eyes roll back in his head, and he slumps forward onto the table.
Anteros was rolling with laughter as Sara moved from table to table, licking women and sucking men until the entire restaurant was moaning. Some of them were even having sex with each other. "I bet that is the best lunch any of them have ever had! Time to get back to work."
Unaware of what was going on in the outside world, Cupid and Psyche were enjoying a nice dinner of steamed lobster and raw oysters, with strawberries and whipped cream for dessert. Psyche was known for her ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose, and Cupid was rigid with the anticipation of what would happen next.
As Anteros flew over Chicago, he spied Brad, who was a real piece of work. A Brad Pitt wanna be, with the attitude of George Carlin, Anteros found him annoying.
"Brad, Brad, Brad! You have always been a pain in the ass, especially to women. I think it is time that you had a pain in the ass," Anteros took aim and the arrow hit its mark.
Brad went to the motel room where he was meeting his mistress. She took one look at his butt and had a devilish idea. "Why don't you let me tie you up today, sweetie? I am feeling kinda kinky."
