I've been obsessed with sex for my entire life, and I've never quite known why. I'll skip my slutty high school and college days, because while fun, they were basic as hell. After a bachelor's in neuroscience, and a master's and a PhD in clinical psychology, I never could quite figure out what made me so hypersexual. I did, however, become one of the most educated high-class escorts in Washington D.C.
My primary clientele was, you guessed it: politicians. I've probably banged about half the house of representatives. People ask me if I let my political opinions affect my job, but I always just say: there is no partisan line when it comes to pussy.
I have a lot of stories I could tell you, but the craziest thing that happened to me actually happened this past November 3rd, or, Election Day.
Election Day is normally a pretty slow night for me because politicians end up spending time celebrating or mourning their defeat with their wives. So I decided to plop in front of CNN, open a couple bottles of pinot grigio, and silently pray that I wouldn't have to keep listening to Republicans whine about "feeling conflicted" about what was happening in their party anymore. I could just get back to indulging in their freaky kinks without worrying about them suddenly becoming aware of their lack of moral compass.
But when I turned on CNN, I got a weird notification I've never gotten before on my TV. It said...
"Would you like to switch to
Secret CNN
?"
What? What the heck is
Secret CNN?
I was curious, so of course I clicked the green button on my remote. A new CNN station popped up, with the exact same logo only with the words "secret" above it and the colors inverted. Huh. Okay.
The news anchor was some blonde lady I've never seen before. She was relaying the results of some election... but... it wasn't for the president. Was it one of the Senate races? A local election?
Then, I saw my name on the list of candidates. My name. And there was no mistaking it was me. How many Dr. Olivia Vandermeers do you think are out there? This couldn't be a coincidence. And not only was my name on the list of candidates, I was currently winning with 88% of the popular vote.
"Well, I know a lot of people thought it would still be too close to call," the anchor said, "But it looks like it's a landslide. At this point, it's not too early to say that our next Sex President will be Dr. Olivia Vandermeer."
Hold up.
Sex. President?
What the heck is a Sex President. Soon, I heard a knock on my door. I was almost too afraid to answer, but my curiosity got the best of me.
I opened the door to two people: a man and a woman. Both of them were dressed like secret service agents, with suits and dark, opaque sunglasses.
"Ma'am, we're your security until the inauguration," the woman said, in a very serious voice.
"So you're like the secret service?" I asked, incredulous.
"No," she replied, "We're the Secret Secret Service. We serve the Sex President."
Surprisingly, not much changed the next few months. My Secret Secret Service agents were around and I could watch Secret CNN, but I still saw my regular clients. I asked my security team questions, but no one had any answers. Secret CNN was confusing to watch, almost like it had some weird code I wasn't picking up on. The news stories were actually pretty normal, but there was still something off about them.
"So..." I asked one day in December, "What exactly does the Sex President do?"
Greg, the male Secret Secret Service agent, responded, "All information regarding the position is classified until after the inauguration."
"When is the inauguration?" I asked.
Greg looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "Inauguration Day."