Poon Points

In the never-ending quest to dispel myths, clear up misconceptions, and, perhaps, to impart some unknown facts about each of the contenders in the battle of the sexes, it is imperative that each understand the other side.

For example, women are under the misconception that men sit around the local bar and rate female customers on some supposed 1-10 scale. This is categorically untrue. When men are frequenting the local pub, they spend a significant amount of time discussing things of great import. Besides talking about how many women they slept with last night, last week, or last year (okay, it’s usually the same number, but that’s not important), men spend hours discussing issues such as the relative merits of Barry Bond’s latest homer compared to the mammoth shot by Joe DiMaggio on August 22, 1941 against the Cleveland Indians. Perhaps it is an in-depth analysis of the movement of the jigger bug through underwater lily pads. Most assuredly, men are not ogling the total female population.

But, women say, we hear them rating us! Nonsense, say I. What you have heard is not some vulgar and sexist exercise rating women based on a nonsensical evaluation of her physical attributes, but rather a sophisticated, highly evolved, competitive process to determine which man has the right to woo the female in question. It is, essentially, a numerical process for defining the male’s depth and desire for a female, and comparing that depth and desire against that of a competing male. Bulls fight for the honor, mountain goats butt heads, and man bids – it is the way of the world.

Back in the caveman days, if a guy wanted a woman, he just went over, bopped her on the head with his big stick (clearly, the impetus behind the “size matters” myth), and drug her away to a nearby cave for an afternoon of Neanderthal nookie. Needless to say, pretty women were most in demand, so the men had to figure out a way to determine who had the right to court (clout?) the young lady. The cavemen, being cavemen, resorted to the time honored tradition of smacking each other around, and the last man standing got the honor to bop the woman in question. Of course, very often, the last man standing had no energy left to do any bopping. She, of course, seeing this, would be offended that he wasn’t able to demonstrate enough stamina to bop her (thus giving birth to the whole “stamina” fiasco). Men clearly understood the penalty for not giving the woman a good bopping.

The evolution of man (and man did, in fact, evolve, despite what some women may say) led to a revolution in the courting process. Man could no longer bop a woman and drag her off to the cave. He had to “win” her heart, “gain” her trust, and “demonstrate” his commitment to her before he was allowed to claim her. However, the sorting process between men did not evolve – it merely changed weapons. A duel for her honor, a fight to the death, these were the ways that men bested their competition.

After several hundred years (men are not stupid – but they might be slow), men figured out that killing each other wasn’t the most practical way to determine who courted the lady in question. Thus began the evolution of POON Points.

Simply put, POON Points is a bidding process for the right to pursue a particular young lady. When a woman walks into a bar, and she hears a man say, “She’s a six!”, that means that the gentleman has staked his claim, and bid 6 POON Points for her as a measure of his commitment. If another man responds “No! She’s at least an 8”, he has announced to the male world that he is willing to spend 8 POON Points for the right to woo her. Clearly, he has trumped his competition, and has established his right to pursue her without interference.

Now, you may wonder how POON Points came to be. POON is a derivation of the word poontang. Another popular myth is that poontang is a vulgarism used to describe sweaty, inconsequential sex. Not so. Poontang is not a word at all. Rather, it is an acronym. Poontang comes from a slogan uttered by men world wide down through the ages – Postpone Our Own Needs To Assure aNother’s Gratification. (Hey, I don’t make ‘em up – I just document ‘em!). Clearly, when men are talking about poontang, or poon, it is meant with the utmost in respect and reverence toward women, a clear indication of our commitment to ensuring her pleasure and comfort.

But, say the ladies, this makes us feel like we are a car being bid on at the local auction. In truth, this is a fairly accurate analogy. If, for example, you are a sleek sports car, eager to travel the roads of romance at blinding speeds, evoking rushes of adrenalin and euphoria, then your POON Point potential is much higher than the comfortable sedan, having survived many owners, with a back seat sagging and worn, not too fast on the acceleration, but reliable and dependable, and always available. Men recognize the value of both models. After all, they will both get you where you are going. But, sports cars are a lot more fun!

“How do we use this to our advantage?” is a question often asked by the women when they discover the endearing practice of POON Point bidding. Simple. Knowledge is power. Know thy enemy. Read his mind (it isn’t that hard). Anticipate his every action. Counter his every move.

You must understand the rules for POON Points. First, I must solicit your promise that you will never tell your husband/brother/father/boyfriend/significant other where you got this information. In fact, it is imperative that you deny having the knowledge. At all costs – deny, deny, deny!

One of the key elements of POON Points is to remember that men are bidding for the right to court the lady in question. As in poker, it is important to conceal the true depth of their desire to win – in this case, to win the right to court the young lady. So, men have developed a series of phrases that obfuscate their true feelings. These phrases are intended to throw the competitor off the scent, to hide the depth of their true commitment. I am privileged to reveal these phrases – what they will say – and the true meaning – what they would say if another man wasn’t bidding.

POON Score 1 What they say:”I wouldn’t take her to a dog fight even if she was in the main event”. What they mean: “If she is willing to give it up, I might call her again next week, providing that the Tractor Pull is cancelled.” NOTE: There are no women who get a POON score of 1. Quasimdo’s mother got a 6.

POON Score 2 What they say: “She is ugly enough to knock the buzzards off a honey wagon”. What they mean: “If she is willing to give it up, I’ll take her to the drive-in as long as she stays down below the seat.” NOTE: The only woman in history to ever get a POON score of 2 was a lady named Medusa, who had unquestionably the worst dreadlocks in history.

POON Score 3 What they say: “When they made her, they broke the mold – by court order!” What they mean: “If she is willing to give it up (I think we are beginning to see a trend here), I will take her to a fast food restaurant, providing we use the drive thru lane.” NOTE: There were only two POON scores of 3 ever awarded, and they both burst into flames when notified.

POON Score 4 What they say:” She’s so ugly she has to wear a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.” What they mean: “If she is willing to give it up, we could go bowling – on Senior’s Nite!” NOTE: In order to be awarded a POON score of 4, you must have hair the size, and color, of Marge Simpson.

POON Score 5 What they say: “This is a girl I could take home to Dad. He’s got Alzheimer’s and would never remember.” What they mean: “If she is willing to give it up, I would ask her to the prom/club dance/rave/KKK meeting.” NOTE: The last time a woman was rated a POON 5, it was right after she had carved up her whole family with an ax.

POON Score 6: What they say: “She seems like a nice girl.” What they mean: “She’s got big knockers.” NOTE: Men always talk about the size of women’s breasts, but the truth is they are intimidated by well endowed women. Or, as my buddy Ralph used to say, “There IS such a thing as too much of a good thing.” It is interesting to note that in order to get a 6, you must be big-chested; the others all get 7 or more.

POON Score 7: What they say: “Man, that bitch ain’t got a clue.” What they mean: “Nope. She wouldn’t talk to me, either.” NOTE: It is the 7’s of the world that men lust after, the ones they consider attainable, the ones that, if they play their cards just right, they might get to dance with, to laugh with, the ones that they want, the ones with which they feel only slightly inferior. All the others are just toys to be admired, played with, and returned to the toy box.

POON Score 8: What they say: “Wow! That chick is hot!” What they mean: “I ain’t got a chance in hell of getting any of that!” NOTE: Men who suffer from delusions of grandeur often pursue the 8s of the world. If you are an 8, and are being pursued, you are destined to be disappointed. Disappointment comes in many sizes – most of them small. Be prepared.

POON Score 9: What they say: I’d pay a dollar just to sniff her bicycle seat!” What they mean: “If she actually spoke to me, I would turn into a drooling, blathering bowl of jello.” NOTE: The truth is out – 9s are just 7s with big breasts. If you have dated a man for more than a week, and he has never looked into your eyes, you are a 9. There has never been a documented case of a man having an intelligent conversation with a 9. Their other head does all the talking.

POON Score 10: What they say: “Man, I would crawl naked through a mile of broken glass just to sniff the wheels on the truck that takes her panties to the laundry.” What they mean: “Oh God! Oh yes! Oh! Oh! Ohhhhhhh! I need a cigarette.” NOTE: There are no 10s in the world, but that doesn’t stop men from thinking so, which is exactly the same mindset that makes them believe that they can climb Mt. Everest, go to the moon, or capture your heart, all tasks of increasing difficulty, and clearly beyond their capabilities.

The next logical question – what are the criteria for each score? The criteria are an extremely complex evolution of man’s needs and desires across the millennia. A lifetime of study is necessary to truly understand the intricacies and vagaries of the male mind. Keeping in mind that there are no POON 1, 2, 3, or 4 women, the following is a detailed and complete list of the criteria for each score:

POON 5 – Must be breathing

POON 6 – Must be breathing

POON 7 – Must be breathing

POON 8 – Must be breathing

POON 9 – Must be breathing

POON 10 – Breathing is optional

Clearly, men are simple creatures, not given to complexity, duplicity, or heavy thought (or much thought at all). To attempt to fathom a man’s mind is to try to fathom of a mud puddle. There isn’t much depth there, and you will only get dirty.

So, we understand the purpose of the POON point system. We understand how men will try to hide their true feelings. We even understand the criteria for POON points. What does this all mean? To what lengths are men willing to go to capture the target of their affection?

Again, I have done exhaustive research, and have been able to compile a detailed definition of the depth of a man’s desire to attain his goal. Men are creatures of action (unless, of course, it is Sunday afternoon during football season. Then, they are merely creatures). The depth of their commitment can be measured in actions. A list of POON scores, and relative commitment, is provided.

POON Score 1 – To get the POON 1 of his dreams, a man is willing to go to the hardware store, spend the afternoon with the boys, watch her change the oil in his car, or drink enormous quantities of beer (which, frankly, is how he got hooked up with a POON 1 in the first place).

POON Score 2 – A man in pursuit of a POON 2 will take her to the hardware store during the national figure skating championship (testing proves that every man watches the figure skating championships – he just knows if he waits long enough, that outfit is going to split in just the right place during one of those doubleback sopwith camel thingies – ever the eternal optimist --- not too bright, but optimistic, nonetheless), let her watch him change the oil in his car, drink enormous quantities of beer, or cancel his ophthalmologist appointment (which, anthropologists contend, is a direct contributor to his fascination with his 2).

POON Score 3 – A man lusting after a POON 3 is prepared to spend his Saturday afternoon with the object of his affection, cruising the local auto parts store, visiting the Hooters restaurant, and promises to refrain from telling her how good she looks whenever she fixes herself up (an innocuous statement that, for some unknown reason, evokes the most irrational of responses from the fairer sex).

POON Score 4 – When a man curries the favor of a POON 4, he is willing to go to such extremes as standing in the TV department watching the big game while she searches through the men’s long underwear for that one special pair that will make her look dazzling at her next ballet recital.

POON Score 5 – Men inherently understand that POON 5s require special commitment and care. Toward this goal, a man is willing to call her at least once a month, give her flowers (assuming, of course, the funeral procession has already left the graveyard), and when pressed, admit to his friends that he thinks her remembers her name.

POON Score 6 – A man who loves a POON 6 can be instantly identified in any crowd. He is the one who is wearing the matching shirt, the madras red that highlights her hair when viewed in the moonlight but makes him look like a very sick apple, or the ‘I’m Stupid’ t-shirt with the barbecue stain on it. On cold days, he will wear the purple and orange ski cap she knitted, as well as the matching mittens with the string though his sleeves so they can’t be lost. This man’s sacrifices stand as a monument to his love for his 6.

POON Score 7 – POON 7s evoke the best in a man. A man pursuing a POON 7 will forego all other women (except for an occasional peek at the girl wearing the t-shirt/halter top/hot pants/no bra/no panties/sweater/ski pants/tight jeans/old sweats. After all, a man only looks at other women out of pity that they aren’t as beautiful, as graceful, or as glorious as his 7). It is the 7 whose door is opened (if she hurries in ahead of the 9 behind her), who gets romantic phone calls at all hours (especially after six beers), who becomes not only the object of his affection, but his partner in life, in growth, in maturity (okay, I made that one up – men and maturity don’t belong in the same sentence).

POON Score 8 – In pursuit of a POON 8, a man will forego many of the pleasures of manhood, considering these to be a sacrifice upon the altar of her beauty. He will NOT stand outside the Victoria Secret’s store creating that little foggy spot on the window that has earned him the affectionate nickname of ‘The Panter’ from the clerks inside; he will NOT ask the jewelry clerk to show him the rings on the bottom shelf just so he can look down her blouse (AGAIN!), and he will NOT ask her to dress up in the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader outfit more than once a week. A woman could ask no more.

POON Score 9 – For his 9, a man will go to great lengths – lengths that include serving as a human manikin for his girl’s mother who, for some unknown reason, merely snorts every time she measures his inseam ALL the way up to there; accompanying his girl when she goes to the store to pick up THOSE pads (though being careful to never actually touch the package), and waiting outside while she attends the monthly meeting of the Women for Extreme Efficiency of Penile Surrogates (WEEPS) movement.

POON Score 10 – In the quest to capture his perfect 10, a man will subject himself to that greatest embarrassment, that maximum of discomfort, that deed so heinous no man dare even speak of it. Yes, I mean that! We all know the one. This man, star struck and crazy with desire, will even --- shudder!!! – stand outside the dressing room in the ladies’ lingerie section while his dreamboat tries on every outfit in the store, standing there trying not to look like the neighborhood pervert, pretending to be shopping without actually touching anything, and displaying a complete lack of awareness that he is leaning against a rack full of crotchless panties, all the while ignoring the looks of pity from other men passing by.

So, ladies, when you hear men bidding for your hand, when you hear the POON points being expended, be confident now that you know the inner workings of the male mind (yeah, like that’s hard to figure out!), you will understand the true depth and intent of your suitors, and you can measure his commitment in both actions and words.

If, however, you feel you need more insight into the quaint practice of POON points, please get a copy of my book, “Women are From Venus, But Men Can’t Find It on the Damn Map!”, available at finer bookstores and men’s rooms in your neighborhood.