Polite Conversation With Neighbors

"Oh hi! We just moved in next door and I thought I'd introduce myself to the neighbors! My name's Carolyn, I've got two kids, Shane and Cody, and my husband Roger isn't here yet, but I'm sure you'll see us all around!"

She stood there, expectantly waiting for me to say something. I didn't know what the fuck to say to that, I've never lived in a neighborhood with a home owner's association or been in the Parent/Teacher Organization, how the fuck am I supposed to know what to do in this situation? I've lived in this apartment for four years, and this is the first neighbor I've made extended eye contact with, much less actually met and talked to.

"Uh... I'm Jack. Nice to meet you." Maybe that's enough to sate her line of questioning. Maybe she'll go away now and this will stop being weird. "Well, nice to meet you, Jack! I hope we can come to you if we need any info about the area, like phone numbers or whatever? Haha! Oh, and of course, we have an

open door policy

in our house, so come on over anytime! Okay, well, I should go unpack, but I'll see you soon...

neighbor!

"

She finally went back to her apartment. Wow, that was weird. I hope she doesn't intend to follow through on visiting... maybe I can just pretend like I'm not home? Shit, this is just what I needed right now. I'm having a hard enough time getting motivated enough to stop smoking weed and look for a job without nosy neighbors. I bet she'd even report something like that,

shit

.

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It wasn't even a week later that she came back. I felt a cold chill run down my spine when I heard the knock at the door. Maybe it's just the UPS man, delivering me some sort of bomb I can accidentally set off. I looked through the peephole and, sure enough, there she was. Long mousey-brown hair done up with one of those... hair... things that girls wear; she had on some blue dress thing with little white designs all over it that I can't quite tell what they're supposed to be; oh, and there were the tits, those are actually pretty nice; and a huge smile on her face. Is that a pie? Fuck, I'm living next to the Cleavers.

"Hey there, Jack! Remember me, Carolyn from next door? I hope this isn't a bad time?" She just smiled at me, like she was genuinely happy to see me, even though we'd barely even met. It was creepy, to be honest. It's just unnatural, nobody is that happy. "Uh, no, that's fine. I'm not working right now, so I'm pretty much home all the time." WHAT THE FUCK, MOUTH?! That is the exact opposite of every correct thing I should've said! Shit, shit shit, now she's never going to leave me alone!! FUCK!!!

"Oh, no job?! You poor thing, well, if you ever need anything just come on over, right through our

open door policy

! Haha! Oh, by the way, I made you this pie! It's pecan, but if you're allergic to pecans don't worry I won't feel bad, I'll just make ya something else!" It's like the real life equivalent of someone typing in ":D" at the end of every sentence. I do really love pecan pie, though. Wait... what if it's poison? What if she's a serial killer and this is how she gets her kicks, that would explain why she's so happy... "Oh, thanks. I love pecan pie. Would you... care to join me for some?" Excellent, now she'll taste her own poison!

"Oh, how gentlemanly of you! Well, I guess I can't really turn down an invitation!" As she walked into my apartment behind me, I realized how grave of a mistake I had actually made. The thought that this crazy woman had violated

my home

and that I could never reverse that settled over me like a hundred blankets. Oh shit, she was looking at my posters. She's going to ask me about them and I'm going to have to explain to her what

Army of Darkness

is.

"Oh, I like this one! Is this for a movie?" This is what I get. I clearly deserve this punishment for one of my many indiscretions in the past, and I may as well just give up and accept my fate. I will have to make small talk with this woman while we eat her pie. "Oh, yeah... it's actually this really funny movie about a guy who fights zombies and has a chainsaw on his arm. Heh..."

"That sounds wonderful! I just love whacky movies!" I could tell she spelled 'wacky' with an 'h', just by the way she said it. "Do you have plates?" What? Of course I have plates. Who the hell doesn't have plates? There are clearly at least three dirty plates I can see just in this room alone. This woman is crazy, she's a vampire and she wants to kill me with her poison pie so she can suck my poison blood (poison is like hot sauce for vampires).

------------------------*-*-*------------------------

Okay, it wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be, I'll admit. Probably because we ended up eating that whole pie, and it was delicious. Then she just left, I didn't even have to ask her to get out! That was a couple days ago, she hasn't bothered me again yet, but I do hear her herding her kids past the door in the mornings and afternoons. They sound awful, just like children often sound. I figure that, since she just left, I can do my favorite thing: get high outside. The patio was specifically created to be relaxed upon, and there's nothing more relaxing than a bowl and a beer.

"Hey there, neighbor!" Oh yeah... it's her kids who go to school, not her. Shit. "Hi--*COUGH COUGH COUGH*-- how're... you doing?" Good cover. She'll never suspect a thing. "Hey, are you doing anything right now?" Shit, she caught me. Fuck, I'm going to prison. "Uh... no. Not anything really, no. Nope... Are you?" I really need to stop asking this woman these leading questions, they just entangle me further in this horrible web of polite conversation. Could you help me out with something? I've got a bit of a baking project for today, and I could really use another pair of hands!" Is this lady serious? She wants me to help her bake cookies now? This is ridiculous. "If it's as good as that pie, I would really like to help you make it so I can help you eat it." Oh wow, I'm right, that does sound really good right now. I am going to make and eat something delicious.

I am literally baking cookies with the neighbor mom. There's only two ways this could turn out: This could be her thing, making guys help her make cookies out of the LAST poor dope who helped her... Well, either that or this is some clumsy porn setup where she's going to rub cookie dough all over her breasts and make me eat it off them. Actually, that would be kinda awesome, now that I think about it. She does have a pretty nice pair, hell, she has a pretty nice everything. I mean, she's packing a little extra, but it's in the nice "curvy" sorta way instead of the... well, the bad way. The bad way that could be is much less good than this. Basically what I'm saying is that she has a nice ass.

"Do you have that sheet done yet?" Oh, I zoned out there, I've only made three cookie blobs and they kept getting bigger. It looks like I'm making a cookie snowman. "Uh, sorry, I'm not very good at... cooking." Saying that I'm high and distracted by her ass is probably not the best route to go in this situation. Better she think that I'm functionally retarded. "Oh, haha, don't worry about it! Here, let me help." Great, I started thinking of her sexually and now I'm getting nervous because she's standing close next to me, easily within spanking range. Fuck, bad thoughts. Concentrate on cookie dough. Huh... if it's cookie dough... can you make a loaf of cookies? Like a loaf of bread, but it's cookie, and you can slice it up and make ham and cheese sandwiches with it. Oh man, that sounds so good right now...

------------------------*-*-*------------------------

Ever since that one day I helped her make cookies, I keep thinking about Carolyn, the neighbor woman. It's gotten way worse since I saw her, too, I even masturbated thinking about her last night. It just kinda happened... shit, what a terrible way to treat a friendly neighbor. A

married

one at that! Married

with kids

! Oh, great, speak of the devil, I think she just knocked on my door. I mean, it must be her, nobody else knocks on my door. Do I look presentable? How many days ago did I take a shower? Am I going to have to make more baked goods?

"Hey there, Jack! Let me ask you something: Do you have a wide selection of herbs?" Don't laugh. If you laugh at that, you are a drug person. "Uh, I have a few... I don't really cook that much. Do you need something?"

"You don't have any crushed basil, do you?" How am I supposed to know? Do you put it on hot dogs? "Let me take a look. Oh, come on in..." She was already in. Okay, I'll pretend she isn't casing my apartment to find new things to drill me about that I don't want to explain to a non-nerd. If it comes to drilling, the only kind I want is—Hey! Stop! Stop thinking about having sex with that married mother! She has children and is happy all the time. Stop it.

"Sorry, it doesn't look like I do have any." It wasn't a long search. Once I looked over the salt and the cumin (that I got for one anniversary dinner with an ex and never used again), it was pretty easy to tell that basil didn't look like peanut butter or ramen. Wait, she's quiet and giggling to herself. Oh god, she's going to kill me with an axe. "I see you have this...

other

herb, though? Haha!" Ah. I left my weed out and she found it. Maybe she won't call the cops, maybe she's cool. I bet she's actually a huge pothead in disguise, and this is going to be just a funny coincidence. "Oh, yeah... I do, heh. Sorry about leaving that out..."

"Oh, don't worry about it, dear! I was in high school in the 70's, you know!" Wow, really? She's twenty years older than me. At least. Damn, she looks great for being in her late forties... Oh, shit, I should say something. "Really? Wow, you could've fooled me. I would've thought you went to high school in the 90's!" I'm hitting on her now. That was definitely a hit. Anybody would know that that is hitting. I'm hitting on her and she knows it. "Oh, YOU!" She playfully shoved me. That was a hit back, wasn't it? Oh no, this is bad.

"I'm serious, you don't look a day past 30. In fact, even then you're a very beautiful 30 year old!" Wow, that was overboard. Even if I actually was trying to hit on her, that would be completely not the thing I would say. Damn, I'm really terrible at making my mouth and brain communicate, aren't I? "Aww, that's sweet of you to say. Well, I should probably get home and work on some laundry I need to do. Hey, don't forget to save some of that for me! Haha!" She leaves after winking and pointing at my stash. She just insinuated that she wants to smoke pot with me? Or... was that like, a joke? Like a joking... thing? Fuck, I don't know. I should smoke and calm down.

------------------------*-*-*------------------------

Someone's knocking on the door. Carolyn? But it's 8 PM, I thought she'd be asleep by this time. She never knocks on my door this late... "Heyyyy! How's my favorite neighbor?!" She looked really nice, like she had actually spent a little bit of time on makeup, and she's wearing a pretty sexy dress. Oh shit, this is so bad. I am not an adulterer, I may be an atheist, but I still think the Ten Commandments are a pretty decent set of rules. "I'm doing good, how about you?" Of course, she walks right in. This is bad. This is bad. This might actually be really hot if it turns out like—no no, this is bad.

"My Roger's over in Hong Kong right now, isn't that a gas? Yeah, he travels a lot for work, he oversees all those workers over there. He's so important in his company, he's the best." Right, please tell me more about how much you like your husband. This will definitely make me not want to adulter. Is that a word? That can't

possibly

be a real word. Wait, what did she just say? "...and the kids are staying with my parents for the summer, they love it up there in Reno in the summers!" So... her husband and kids are out of the house. Oh fuck, this IS the porn thing, isn't it?! Fuck, I should've taken a shower. Wait, this is not happening. I am not doing that with this married woman. Fuck, I need to chill out.

"Carolyn? I know this may have just been an off-hand comment before, but... Well, I'm actually going to smoke some weed, and if you'd like to join me, you're more than welcome." That did not sound natural. Normal people don't talk like that, I'm pretty sure. If she was at a renfest selling leather mugs, that line may have worked. "Oh, really? Haha, oh, I don't think so." Of course not, don't be dumb, she's a mom. Moms don't smoke weed. "But go ahead, don't let me stop you!" That's a little weird, but I could definitely use it. Fuck it, let's pack a bowl.

Ahh... already that feels better. She is... looking at me strangely. Is that lust? No, she's probably pitying me for being a druggie. "Actually... if your offer still stands, I'll try some. I mean, why not?! It's been a long time, but I don't have any responsibilities tonight!"

"Really? Haha, okay, sure. Here you go, you remember how to use this, right?"

"I remember! I'm not some old lady or anything!"

"Haha, I know you aren't, I'm not saying you are!"

"... *COUGH COUGH* Wow... oh yeah, I remember this! Haha!"

She is definitely hot. I would do this lady. She is a hot lady who is high with me and I want to do things to her. With her. I mean, NO. FUCK. "So... how about a movie?"

"Sure! Where are your DVDs?"

"Uh, actually I mostly just download movies on my computer. I just watch too many movies, I couldn't afford it legally, haha." She laughs and tells me to choose a film. Great, now I actually have to do this. Okay, let's open up the big list... fuck, I have no idea what she wants to watch. Also, most of these movies are terrible zombie films that I downloaded ironically. Fuck it, I'll just put the player on random and let fate decide.

"UNH! UNH! Oh yeAH!"

I have porn in this folder. I remember now. I am panicking. Shit, I need to change the movie right now. Ah, phew, okay,

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

, that's a family-friendly film. I look over at her nervously, hoping she somehow didn't notice the thirty seconds of hardcore sex under the credits of whatever porn movie that was. She giggles and looks at me with a look I'm immediately conflicted about. "Why'd you change it? Hehe." Fuck. This is happening. "Sorry about that... I forgot that I had things like that in this folder..."

"It's okay... I don't mind. Like I said, I'm not some old lady or a nun or anything!"

"Right, but... Do you really want to watch... porn?"

"Why not?! It's been a while since I have, I wonder what sort of things they're up to now in them! Haha!" What... does she think some revolution in sex technology has occurred in the last ten years?

"Haha, okay, if you want to..."

So we watched porn. I was sitting there in a room with this nice neighbor woman, and on the TV in front of both of us was a couple dressed like office workers playing out some hackneyed story that would eventually lead to them fucking. This hasn't gotten uncomfortable yet, but it will, oh, it will very soon. The "actress" delivers the line "maybe I can...

file

those

reports

for you..." as if it was a really deep concept, and we both laugh. We look at each other, then back at the screen just in time to see her reach into the man's pants and pull out his penis, which she puts in her mouth after she makes plenty of comments about it's remarkable size.

This is the part I was dreading. My body's getting turned on because of the movie, and my mind's getting turned on because this woman may possibly want to have sex with me. This is incredibly awkward. I mean, what the hell do you do in this situation? The only kind of media that ever deals with something like this is porn, and I've learned over the years that one should NEVER base one's actions off of porn. Do I sit next to her on the couch, slowly moving next to her until I have my hand on her leg, then I kiss her neck and we give into the passion? Do I just sit here and calmly watch the movie as neither one of us makes eye contact or talks?

"So this is the sorta stuff you're in to, huh?" She teasingly asked me, looking at me with a predatory gaze. It was, of course. I enjoy having sex with women, and that is what this movie is about, so yes, of course I'm into this. "Yeah, ha. I mean, not just this, I like other things too, obviously. Of course. It's not all

that

obvious..." Oh man, I'm doing my 'nervous inexperienced cute boy' thing. "Oh, you don't have to be so bashful with me, Jack." She just smiled and looked at me, and I noticed her breathing getting heavier. It's too late to back out of this now, we're already in the endgame of this little sex dance. Now it's just up to me to mate her. Checkmate her, I mean, continuing my chess metaphor. And also actually mate her, yes, but that's not how I meant it. Fuck it, you know what I mean.

I realized she was still staring at me expectantly, and I had no idea what it was she was waiting for me to do. "Uh... okay." Maybe looking really confused will make her explain what she wants. I hate it when women can't take the hint that I'm too stupid to figure out

their

hints.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm... not doing anything. ...What are you doing?"

"Hehe. Tell you what, if you do it first, then I'll join in."

What the hell are we talking about. What am I supposed to do?! Does she mean... sex? She wants me to start and she'll join in later? How the hell does that work? Suddenly the girl on screen gags loudly on the man's dick, getting both of our attentions. They switch up positions, now the girl is bending over a bright pink pleather bean bag chair, and he's pounding her into the ground. Why are these porn guys always so hugely muscular? They all have these tiny little heads—oh, she's looking at me again. "Sorry... tell you what, why don't you start first so I can... follow your lead." That was kinda sexy. Sexy enough that it's not just a dumb question.

She laughed, then she blushed, and finally she spread her legs apart on my couch and slid a hand down between then. Ah, now I see what she meant. She meant masturbation. I probably should've realized that earlier. Holy shit, this is so hot. She's still fully dressed, but she's pushed her dress up past her hips and has a hand straight down the front of her panties, which I now see to be black and semi-transparent. I suddenly realize that one of the "enjoyable sex" sounds I'm hearing isn't coming from the TV, and that Carolyn is masturbating right next to me.

Obviously that was all I needed to cast logic to the wind. I pulled out my cock, which was definitely not hard because of anything to do with the movie we were "watching." She peeks over at me and notices that I've finally joined her, causing her to give me a look that made me want to jump her immediately. Still, it's all these complicated games with her, we had to do this in the right order. Not that the stuff in between isn't nice, too.

"Why don't you come over here, next to me?" I had been sitting in my recliner while she was on my couch, but yes, I think a change in location was definitely called for. As I got up and walked over to her, I took off my shirt and sweatpants as sexily as I could. She didn't laugh out loud at me, so I considered it a success. I sat there naked next to her, one hand idly rubbing my John Thomas as she began clumsily throwing off her clothes as well. Her body was even more amazing that I had guessed through her clothes. She has these amazing tits, probably D-cup, and despite her age and having kids, they didn't seem to be droopy or sagging in any way. Holy shit, I want those tits. I want to hold them, weigh them, to kiss them and nibble on her pink nipples.