Organising a Bedmate

(Set in England)

Ernie Trump awoke at dawn and reached for his old friend called Erection and sighed. He'd much prefer reaching for an already warmed pussy conveniently beside him only a few finger widths away.

His mind suddenly clicked with the obvious solution.

Now that he lived alone in the family house -- his parents having limped off to geriatric heaven at a retirement village housing people too lazy to keep on working -- he should invite a female to move in with him.

That suggested curly questions:

What sort of female?

What if she wished to also install her cats in his home, um all five of them? The problem was his dog had been trained to eat cats to improve the world environment.

Was it possible to find a female around his age of 28 with big tits and small butt?"

There was only one toilet in the house and that was in the bathroom. Would he ever get to use the toilet and bathroom?

Who would provide her living costs and general financial support?

If she became pregnant would she go quietly and re-join her parents to receive the support she'd need?

Christ, the questions were never-ending. Perhaps it would be better to ask a guy to move in with him.

What sort of guy?

Oh jeepers, the questions loomed with greater complexity. One advantage the guy wouldn't get pregnant but neighbours might no longer be friendly. Oh if his sister promised to never speak to him again that would be listed as a huge advantage as she was breaking her neck to get her family into the house now they her husband had upgraded to a younger model.

Yes it made better sense to install a female and to choose one who loved doing the washing and lawns, broke into song when ironing and accepted it was her role in life to cook. The size of her tits should be pushed way down the list of considerations.

What about floppy tits. Nah he was getting ahead of himself.

At the pub on Friday night Ernie played his hand.

"Thelma would you like to move in with me?"

Conversation in their group of nine skidded to a halt and all eyes were on Thelma who rose to the occasion magnificently.

"Why?"

Ernie was left speechless. Christ if she didn't know why she had no right to responding to such a question.

Flighty Pauline, always the one to become pissed first, tickled Ernie under the chin and said "Oh Diddum's is missing cuddling a fat hairy pussy now that his mum has gone to live in Retirement Village austerity.

Her husband Nathan, a jealous bastard, told Pauline to stop dribbling and cover more of her tits. Nathan still simmered over failing to get into Oxford to study

Animal Rights & Their Historical Exploitation by Humans

got his 3rd Class degree from a northern university that was embarrassed by the low number of applications and he was the only student that year enrolled for a science degree in

Development of the Russian Tundra for Population Growth Potential

.

Nathan said his sister couldn't find anyone to have sex and he could mention an opportunity existed in Ernie's bedroom.

"Can she cook?"

"No and her bedroom is a pigsty so don't expect her to replace your house-keeping duties."

Madeline who actually had big tits and a small bum said she could be interested and that raised eyebrows.

"But Madeline you live at 12 Walter Lane and are married to B.W. Lovegrove of the same address," drawled pedantic Tom, who preferred being called a postal delivery person instead of a postman because even idiots know people don't post men.

Madeline sighed and said, "Well Bruce hasn't been performing up to expectation and we all know that Ernie is a bit of a stud, according to what he tells us."

"This conversation is getting out of hand," Ernie protested.

"But you started this conversation attempting to get an alternative to using your hand," said Margaret, manager of a sexual health clinic. "If you have become bored with self-administered masturbation have you thought of buying a blow-up doll; the one we recommend is Comely Constance."

"God the idea of keeping a constant Constance permanently inflated in my bedroom appeals to me," said Madeline. "I guess she would accommodate one end of a double-ended dildo but push-back would be lacking."

That drew raised eyebrows but no comment.

Discussion resumed with the topic (yawn) changing to the current weather.

At 9:30 next morning (Saturday) a call on Ernie's mobile phone awoke him.

"Hi it's Ernie Trump."

"Ernie its Melody Freddo."

The call half-terrorized him. She'd been in the group last night but had not spoken during the rambling about his quest to find a bedmate.

Melody's chest was practically concaved and she had chin stubble.

"I mentioned your quest to find a live-in bed companion to my sister."

No, no way, Ernie perspired and thinking the sister was probably 4ft 8in with chronic halitosis.

"Blaire is on her way to test you for compatibility. God luck and it's my pleasure to assist," Melody said and cut the call.

"No, no," he yelled despite knowing the wheels were in motion.

He dressed in his running gear and fled the building, only to collide with a blonde who was starting to climb the steps to the lobby.

Ernie caught her from falling heavily.

She cooed "Oooh, you are a little late to try to chum up to me. Do you know fellow tenant Mr Ernest Trump?"

"Blaire?"

"Earnest?"

"No I only answer to Ernie."

They sat in the tearooms sipping coffee, they being Blaire the answer to Ernie's wet dreams and Ernie who was going overboard trying to act like a gentleman. She was good looking, with a modest bust and her butt was perky, lean and heart-shaped.

Omigod.

He was over-acting like a clown and she would be thinking how best to reject him.

Ernie said in defeat, "You probably wouldn't find compatibility with me because I find you delightfully attractive and would find it difficulty keeping my hands off you and in bed I completely lose it intellectually and the only thing on my mind is always sex meaning where, when and how often."

"Omigod," Blaire gurgled. "I find those words 'how often' so appealing that I'm compelled to ask how soon may I move in?"

"As soon as I remove the condoms from around the bed," he joked.

"Omigod a lover with humour and you won't need condoms with me except say once a day when you decide to sample the back door."

Ernie looked around furtively half-expecting to see the grinning faces of some of his friends chortling over how they'd set him up using an actress or smooth call girl but he was unable to recognise anyone. He phone went.

"Hi it's Ernie Trump."

"Ernie it's Melody Freddo. Have you two connected yet?"

"Not yet Melody, we have just met."

"God you are embarrassing Ernie. I meant had you two met. Well I won't keep you. Melody packed things into her car for a lengthy stayover before she left here and so it will be moist and puffed up waiting for you. Be warned Melody is one of those over-sexed woman who finds it difficult to cope if she goes longer than 10 hours after her last bout of sex."

Ernie almost dropped his phone in shock and smiled which extended into a leer.

Melody's unremitting high level of sexuality pleased Ernie greatly and quickly buried his disappointment that she was a false blonde and padded her boobs to make them look bigger and more shapely than in reality. He accepted the reality happily because at last he's secured a woman who liked him.

"Like you? I love you," Melody said one night when they leaned over steaks and their second bottle of wine in a homely little restaurant that specialized in great cooking and intimacy.

That was the first vocalized declaration of love between them and Ernie rose to the occasion and was far more vocally extravagant than perhaps the anticipated response of something like 'Yeah and I think you are pretty neat too. What he said romantically was 'My sweet concupiscent woman; you are my wet dreams personified'.

Melody gave the impression she understood what that meant.

They decided to try to land Melody with a pregnancy and without being asked Ernie began converting the guest room next to their bedroom into a nursery and only yesterday said they must visit their parents to discuss their wedding.

"Marriage?" Melody said in surprise. "We've not discussed that possibility, I guess because I didn't wish to push you."

"Well push will quickly turn to shove because no child of ours is going to be brought into this world without his or her mum and dad being legally wedded."

"My hero," Melody cooed, making her man feel like he was 7 ft. tall.

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