I was sitting at the side of the river, minding my own business. That was my first mistake: never mind your own business, trouble finds you every time. Of course, being a Demon in Hell doesn't help either, but there've been a couple of centuries I flew under the radar. I was taking a break from tending the Spawnling pens: new demons don't flip into existence from Ether, and old demons don't want them underfoot until they're ready to cause trouble as a conscious choice. Joyce promised to watch the little buggers for me so I could take off and I was going to cover for her later. Freddie's cafe was the best place for kuchen, and I'd connived five to enjoy with a nice latte.
What to my wondering eyes should appear but the Big Guy's son himself, the AntiChrist. Ace was slumming again, looking like an aging hippie with a backpack over his shoulders. I hate the little rat bastard, and I don't think he likes me, either. When he pulled off his pack and slung it into the chair beside me, I knew I was in for a shit sandwich again. He never had any good news for me in recent millennia.
"Hi, Norm, how's it hanging?" The jackass even managed a sincere looking smile for me.
"Fine, your lordship. Just taking a break from the Spawnling pens. Little buggers can drive you crazy."
"I bet. How's Joyce?"
"She's fine. How's Miriam?"
He fumed and I knew I'd struck a chord. The little shit was always trying to make time with the Adversary's mother, and didn't like being reminded of his consistent failure. Sure, he could blast me into teenie, tiny pieces, but I'd love that. Being nothing is better than this damn place. "All right, I guess. Norm, it's time for you to get back to the job you do best."
I put down my coffee mug with a bang. "No, no, Ace, anything but that. I'll clean out the dungpits for a century, two if you want, but don't make me go back on Spawning duty again. I've done my time there, filled the ranks of Hell better than anyone else. It's time I got a break."
"There's one problem with Hell, when you're good at a job, you keep doing it," he said, shaking his head in mock frustration. "It's been 300 years, and our census is down. There are so many new arrivals, thanks to Brother Dawkins, we can't keep them under control, so we need to get new blood in the pipeline. Your talent, your expertise, you job. And I know you know the problem, because you know the number of Spawnlings has been pathetic since the Industrial Revolution."
Shrugging my shoulders, I spread my palms. He turned up the fake smile a couple more notches and continued. "The Witchhunts did us in, Norm. Not many witches around to inseminate, and not a lot of celibate bishops to milk. You're smart and adaptable, you'll be able to sniff out the new material, so you're elected."
Smoke began to trickle out of my ears. I wolfed down my remaining pastry, knowing I wouldn't have long to enjoy it. Ace would shoot me up to Earth before I finished if I weren't careful. I shook my head in disbelief, crumbs falling from the sides of my mouth: "Joyce can't manage the Spawnlings very well on her own. If I'm not there, all Hell breaks loose, so to speak."
"Well, it won't if she knows what's good for her, he said, tapping the table with his open palm. "I'll be there supervising, so you won't be missed."
"What about your Big Project? Don't you have better things to do than manage a bunch of poisonous little worms?"
"What work? My plan is underway and cranking along without me. Doesn't need me on top of it."
It was time to switch gears, tick him off and distract him. "What about the club later? Won't Miriam be there to listen to Charlie play?"
He fumed and sat grinding his teeth for a moment. "I'm tired of Parker. Need to wash out the sound with some Gesualdo or Wagner."
"Nothing like some thick chromaticism to take your mind off your blue balls, right?" A bolt shot from his nose and singed my butt. "All right, all right, this is Hell and I'm supposed to give you a hard time. Don't take it personally. Spawning duty it is."
"Good," he simpered, snuggling into himself. "I'll give you a day. Nice of me right?"
"You're the best boss in the Pit, that's for Damn sure."