I was sitting at the side of the river, minding my own business. That was my first mistake: never mind your own business, trouble finds you every time. Of course, being a Demon in Hell doesn't help either, but there've been a couple of centuries I flew under the radar. I was taking a break from tending the Spawnling pens: new demons don't flip into existence from Ether, and old demons don't want them underfoot until they're ready to cause trouble as a conscious choice. Joyce promised to watch the little buggers for me so I could take off and I was going to cover for her later. Freddie's cafe was the best place for kuchen, and I'd connived five to enjoy with a nice latte.
What to my wondering eyes should appear but the Big Guy's son himself, the AntiChrist. Ace was slumming again, looking like an aging hippie with a backpack over his shoulders. I hate the little rat bastard, and I don't think he likes me, either. When he pulled off his pack and slung it into the chair beside me, I knew I was in for a shit sandwich again. He never had any good news for me in recent millennia.
"Hi, Norm, how's it hanging?" The jackass even managed a sincere looking smile for me.
"Fine, your lordship. Just taking a break from the Spawnling pens. Little buggers can drive you crazy."
"I bet. How's Joyce?"
"She's fine. How's Miriam?"
He fumed and I knew I'd struck a chord. The little shit was always trying to make time with the Adversary's mother, and didn't like being reminded of his consistent failure. Sure, he could blast me into teenie, tiny pieces, but I'd love that. Being nothing is better than this damn place. "All right, I guess. Norm, it's time for you to get back to the job you do best."
I put down my coffee mug with a bang. "No, no, Ace, anything but that. I'll clean out the dungpits for a century, two if you want, but don't make me go back on Spawning duty again. I've done my time there, filled the ranks of Hell better than anyone else. It's time I got a break."
"There's one problem with Hell, when you're good at a job, you keep doing it," he said, shaking his head in mock frustration. "It's been 300 years, and our census is down. There are so many new arrivals, thanks to Brother Dawkins, we can't keep them under control, so we need to get new blood in the pipeline. Your talent, your expertise, you job. And I know you know the problem, because you know the number of Spawnlings has been pathetic since the Industrial Revolution."
Shrugging my shoulders, I spread my palms. He turned up the fake smile a couple more notches and continued. "The Witchhunts did us in, Norm. Not many witches around to inseminate, and not a lot of celibate bishops to milk. You're smart and adaptable, you'll be able to sniff out the new material, so you're elected."
Smoke began to trickle out of my ears. I wolfed down my remaining pastry, knowing I wouldn't have long to enjoy it. Ace would shoot me up to Earth before I finished if I weren't careful. I shook my head in disbelief, crumbs falling from the sides of my mouth: "Joyce can't manage the Spawnlings very well on her own. If I'm not there, all Hell breaks loose, so to speak."
"Well, it won't if she knows what's good for her, he said, tapping the table with his open palm. "I'll be there supervising, so you won't be missed."
"What about your Big Project? Don't you have better things to do than manage a bunch of poisonous little worms?"
"What work? My plan is underway and cranking along without me. Doesn't need me on top of it."
It was time to switch gears, tick him off and distract him. "What about the club later? Won't Miriam be there to listen to Charlie play?"
He fumed and sat grinding his teeth for a moment. "I'm tired of Parker. Need to wash out the sound with some Gesualdo or Wagner."
"Nothing like some thick chromaticism to take your mind off your blue balls, right?" A bolt shot from his nose and singed my butt. "All right, all right, this is Hell and I'm supposed to give you a hard time. Don't take it personally. Spawning duty it is."
"Good," he simpered, snuggling into himself. "I'll give you a day. Nice of me right?"
"You're the best boss in the Pit, that's for Damn sure."
"Right," he snarled, picking up his pack. "You'll go when you finish your latte."
"Bye."
"Good bye, Norm. Happy Cunt Hunting."
A thought crossed my mind as I sipped my latte, and I sent a quick note to His Infernal Majesty. The reply was immediate, and I watched it burn with a smile on my face. He liked my idea, and promised to help me if I could bring it off. I smiled and savored the anticipation. This was going to be fun after all.
I dawdled as long as I could over my latte, taking time to savor every drop as well as every piece of attractive shedevil flesh that strolled by. Needed to get psyched up for the ugly job, especially since it's never really possible to have a real orgasm on Spawning duty.
Doing Spawning duty is a two-fold operation: first, I have to collect human semen from a willing donor, second I have to use it on a willing recipient. That means I play both sides of the street in a short period of time, since human semen doesn't last too long in a demon's body. I would have to be a succubus for the first part and an incubus for the second, that's the way it goes. Fortunately, there's a few tools that make the job easier.
The shift to Earth went painlessly, and I hunkered in my favorite, low maintenance form as I checked out the scene. The only thing I had clean in my closet was an old Viking outfit, but since I materialized in a Science Fiction convention I arrived unnoticed. I have many powers when I'm on Earth: I can reach out and find anything I want through the Ether and bring it to me, particularly the clothing I'd be wearing later; I can adjust my form to any shape; I can read minds but not change them directly, that's what temptation's for; I can speak any language and I have unlimited Internet access. The last came in handy as I scouted my venue, setting up a couple of fake identities for registration at the conference and hotel since getting busted for not having credentials is an unnecessary hassle. Using any of these powers costs in excruciating pain, so I wanted to find ways I could cut corners. I could have materialized as Bar Rafeli's clone and reeled in seething man meat right away, but it hurts less if I could find a schmoe with lower standards.
First, the load of human semen, and I found my research was right: there was enough frustrated testosterone in the place to spawn legions of demons, more than any remote monastery I'd ever visited. A few scans and I located my mark. He was fretting over the authenticity of an old Star Trek script, trying to haggle the price down. His mind was easy to read, and I soon had his version of the ideal, accessible woman. That's the good bit about finding someone desperate enough: a woman of great beauty would intimidate him, leave him speechless even if she came on strong, but someone who seemed accessible and was good looking enough would hit the mother lode, so to speak.
I found a dark niche to adjust, focusing on his ideal and how she would be dressed. After I morphed myself I ducked into a ladies' room to look. A 40 something brunette looked back at me, a few crow's feet around the eyes, 5'1" with large breasts beginning to sag. I hate the carrying the damn things around, and wished I'd found someone who wanted a small titted woman, but everything else he wanted was so easy I put up with it. Taking off the Viking outfit and sending it back to Hell, I summoned a Princess Lei bikini from the last good Jedi movie, with a chain and collar, and matching sandals so I didn't get hassled by some officious nerd enforcing a dress code. A quick look, a few adjustments, and it was perfect. Fortunately, the jerk had a secret desire to sleep with his mother, so I didn't have to make up facial features from my own imagination: that takes more energy and pain.
I strolled out across the exhibit floor, swaying my hips, and giving the horny geeks an icy stare to go with my looks. The other girls gave me chilly glances in return, but that's OK, I'd get even with one of them later. My target was still indecisive, holding his cellophane trophy and staring at it, when I sauntered up beside him and started browsing some collectables, picking up a Luke Skywalker action figure to look at until he noticed me. It took a little longer than I expected, but I got his attention.