A Happy Ending

All Van Helsing had to do was follow the splooging noises. Ever since the Count had had cable TV installed in the castle[1] things had been different. Forget the classy, sophisticated and suave killer, the elegant and handsome seducer, and picture instead... The splooging was getting louder, and there was some shouting and shrieking as well. Arming his crossbow with a stake-arrow, Van Helsing rounded the corner into the great hall. Oh, god, he thought. He sighed and shook his head slowly. There before him was the infamous Count sitting up on a high chair, like a tennis umpire, a huge grin on his undead face as he watched two women in tiny bikinis rolling around together in a large vat of (good grief) lime jelly. One was already a vampire, attempting to bite the other girl. He did have to admit that the sight was rather appealing in a sick kind of way, their slippery flesh rubbing against each other, the wet jelly making their bikinis stick tightly to their skin, the hair pulling and the knees in the crotch....No! He shook himself out of it. He was a man of honour!

He looked further around the room, and discovered, unsurprisingly, Jonathan Harker chained to the wall and wearing nothing but some embarrassing boxer shorts, ostensibly attempting to free himself and save the non-vampire girl in the jelly, most likely his fiancee Mina. The erection the size of Texas, however, gave away Harker's real feelings towards the scene before him. Van Helsing sighed and pointed his crossbow at the Count.

"Count Dracula! Good god, what's happened to you? Have you no shame?" Van Helsing called across the room.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Van Helsing, I'm undead. Morals have been optional for me for the past six hundred years," replied the vampire. "WHOO BABY!" he hooted as Mina's bikini top went flying across the room.

"In all my years hunting you down I never ever expected to finally get to kill you at a jelly-wrestling match. It's undignified. We ought to be out on one of your precipices with lightning flying about, or rolling about in a swamp in a graveyard! This is going to look very stupid in my journal and in my report to the society," Van Helsing whined.

The vampire girl now had Mina in as best a headlock as one could get when covered in jelly, and as far as Van Helsing could make out, she was only pretending to struggle, and was even trying to get the not-unattractive vampire girl to grab her ample breasts again. He rolled his eyes.

"To hell with your precious journal, I've got company! Company whose brains I'd like to fuck out! Will you just look at that girl Mina? Talk about tits 'n' arse," said Dracula.

"Aughhgllhler!" shouted Jonathan Harker, uselessly rattling his chains.

The vampire girl was about to sink her fangs into Mina, but the count jumped down from his chair and pulled her off.

"Veronica, she's mine! How about you be a dear and go give Mr Harker a blow job he'll never forget, hmmm?" Dracula said to Veronica VampireGirl. Her eyes lit up and she trotted over to the young man chained to the wall. She winked at Jonathan, licked her full lips, and knelt before him...

Meanwhile Dracula had helped Mina out of the jelly pool, towelled her off and was groping her thoroughly. Van Helsing stood there, crossbow drooping and jaw on the floor, but was brought back to reality when Mina screamed. He assumed it was a cry for help, a scream of terror, and ran across the room, ready to stake the Count. The Count noticed, of course, and barely taking a break from sticking his tongue down Mina's throat, reached into his jacket, pulled out a pistol, and shot Van Helsing in the chest four times.

"OW!" yelled Van Helsing. "Oh, heck." he collapsed on the cobblestone floor, and much to everyone's surprise, his body began to fizzle and decompose rapidly.

"That never happens in Tarantino movies," said Dracula. "Oh well, I suppose it's to be expected. This castle IS supernaturally charged, you know. And I'm all charged up for you, babe," he said to Mina, who just giggled and then moaned as the Count ground his crotch against hers. "Hey, Harker, bet you didn't know your girl here was such a nympho slut!" he called out to Jonathan.

Jonathan didn't reply, having been quiet now for some time. Veronica was indeed giving him a blowjob he'd never forget. She'd teased him with her lithe tongue, sucked lightly and hard, taken him all the way into her throat and out again, until he was sweating and shaking and whimpering. She *was* rather good at this, Jonathan thought, as he approached what would certainly be a spectacular orgasm and blowing of his load, oh yes, yeah, yeah baby, oh yeah, OH MY GOD...and in the fraction of a second before he came, Veronica jammed her fangs into his penis and *really* began to suck. Forget the jugular, she thought, this is where it's tastiest!

Mina paid no attention to the scene, instead concentrating on removing the Count's trousers. He threw her down on the floor and after a brief nod to the concept of foreplay, plunged his cock inside her and began to thrust away. Mina moaned like a whore while the count ground a nice cobblestone pattern into her bare arse, and just as the vampire was getting *really* excited and moving in on her jugular, he felt a piece of pointy wood pointed into his back over his heart.

"Jub jub!" said a cute little voice.

Slowly the count rolled off Mina, turning to face what looked like a large animatronic teddy bear, wielding a large pointy piece of wood.

"What the FUCKING FUCK is going on here?" shouted the Count. "Who the fuck are you? You can't be a werewolf, or a were...teddy-bear, it's not a full moon. Jesus, this castle gets weirder every year, I swear."

"Jub jub jub!" said the creature, and prodded the vampire with the stake again.

"OK, OK! Calm down," Dracula said. He stood up and held up his hands, his erection now drooping, much to Mina's disappointment. Several other little furry creatures ran into the room, all brandishing stakes-on-sticks. They surrounded him, and with some suggestive prodding, manoeuvered him into one corner of the hall.

"Jub-jub jub. Jub," said one of the creatures into a small device, and with an impressive array of special effects, Dracula and the furry creatures transported from the room.

Mina blinked. "Well, that was unexpected," she said.

Veronica walked over to her and offered here a hand up off the floor. "It certainly was," she said. Jonathan's body hung limp from its chains.

Mina looked first at her former fiancee's body, then at the vampire girl, and said "You know, they left before I finished, and I'm still really quite horny. Care to help a girl out?"

"Sure," Veronica said with a fang-filled smile. "Why don't you come on up to my bedroom? The Count had some of the former cable girls install a spa." She took Mina's warm little hand and led her up the ancient staircase, and they both knew it wouldn't be long until Mina's hand would be cold and dead, just like her lesbian vampire lover's.

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[1] Which took longer than usual, not because the company had to actually lay cable to a rather inaccessible place, but because they insisted upon sending young nubile female technicians to do the job, and there was nothing the Count liked about the modern world than a woman wielding power tools: Less likely to be wearing a frilly, high-necked blouse that frankly just got in the way of a good bite. And so handy afterwards with the ever-present renovation projects required by a crumbling castle.