Home Office Intercourse

If you've read this writer's 'Pirate Sex for Beginners' and 'Ticket to Ride' you'll already know where I'm coming from. But if you're sniggering at that remark, shame on you! I know this is being published under 'Humor and Satire' but this is just the introduction. I'll let you know when I've started with the H & S.

For those of you who haven't read them, (and if not, why not? I mean, what else is there to do? Surely you've finished all your DIY by now.) you won't realise that this is another piece of work that's designed to develop your role-playing skills. To be Frank, I'm worried that during these Covidinous times the diversity of your sex life may be suffering.

In this day and age where millions of us "work from home" it's likely that you have your own fully equipped office which will serve as an ideal setting for role play. If not you will probably have a desk somewhere. Well, do you have a table? Then use that. Because, where's this role play set? Why, in an office!

What's the most common office role play? That's right, boss and secretary, and that's just what this isn't. It's actually the boss and new employee role play.

The boss will be seated behind the desk and the new employee is waiting outside. Dress is standard office attire. Her skirt should be a little too short, the neckline a little too plunging. High heels, stockings and suspenders are a must, knickers are a must not. For him, it's the standard suit and tie.

A knock is heard on the door. Regular readers will notice that there's still not a fat lot of stage direction. I assumed that you've finished all your DIY earlier and if you have, you can do this yourself. I mean, really? It's not too much to ask.

OK, now I'm starting...

Miss Willey: "Come in!"

("Enter!" may be an even better option. It's a toss-up really. I've given you an alternative because you may be new to this. You'll be able to improvise once you've grown into it a bit. And I guarantee you'll be surprised just how much you do grow into it. Some of you will become huge!)

Mr Kerr: "Good morning Miss Willey."

Miss Willey: "Mr Kerr."

Mr Kerr: "Is there something you wanted Miss Willey?"

Miss Willey: "You've been here six months now Owen, I think you can address me as Wanda."

Mr Kerr: "Thank you very much. Now if that's all, I have paperwork to do."

Miss Willey: "I think you're forgetting something Owen."

Mr Kerr: "I'm sorry. I have paperwork to do Wanda."

Miss Willey: "No, not my name, you seem to have forgotten your appraisal."

Mr Kerr: "Yes, I remember now, the six-monthly appraisal."

Miss Willey: "So take a seat and we'll begin."

Mr Kerr: "Thanks Wanda."

Miss Willey: "Right if you're comfortable, we'll commence. How are you enjoying Assen Cox?"

Mr Kerr: "I'm really finding Assen Cox to my liking. Everybody's made me very welcome."

Miss Willey: "That's good to hear. We pride ourselves on being a friendly company. Initially I would like you to state your understanding of your main duties and responsibilities."

Mr Kerr: "I'm primarily responsible for selling the 'Orgasm Addict 9', 'Orgasm Lover 7' and Orgasm Liker 5. Of course, I'm also at liberty to offer additional Assen Cox related products."

Miss Willey: "And has the past six months been good/bad/satisfactory or otherwise for you, and why?"

Mr Kerr: "I'd say good because I've surpassed all sales targets. I also enjoyed the two day 'Post Euro Political Correctness in the Workplace' seminar."

Miss Willey: "I'm glad to hear it. Now what do you consider to be your most important achievements of the past six months?"

Mr Kerr: "Being nominated for 'Newcomer of the Year' was terrific but undoubtedly winning the prestigious Silver Dildo for last month is the highlight."

Miss Willey: "Yes, I believe you were within two inches of the even more prestigious gold. Now what do you like and dislike about working for this organisation?"

Mr Kerr: "I love meeting sad, frustrated people and having the opportunity to replace their feelings of hopelessness with joy and relief."

Miss Willey: "A good answer, but what elements of your job do you find most difficult?"

Mr Kerr: "I find the company's zero tolerance for fraternising with the clients very frustrating."

Miss Willey: "It's not considered to be a sound sales technique for our front line to be satisfying our clients with shall we say, an alternative product? Anyway, which elements of your job interest you the most, and least?"

Mr Kerr: "I'd say meeting attractive young sex-starved housewives while their husbands are out is the most and not being able to take advantage of them is the least."

Miss Willey: "Then what do you consider to be your most important aims and tasks in the next year?"

Mr Kerr: "It's my aim with your support to utilise the experience I've gained in the last six months to win the Platinum Prosthetic for national salesperson of the year."

Miss Willey: "A lofty aim indeed. And I will personally guarantee that I shall be 100% behind you. So, what kind of work would you like to be doing in two years time?"

Mr Kerr: "I would expect that sales success will lead to promotion within two years by which time I should have the experience be able to implement novel sales techniques that will see our products bringing relief to the entire country."

Miss Willey: "Which brings us neatly to the question of what sort of training would benefit you in the next year?"

Mr Kerr: "I certainly benefitted from the two day 'Post Euro Political Correctness in the Workplace' seminar, but I think my short-term goal will be satisfied if I have regular one to ones with you."

Miss Willey: "Excellent answer Owen. Finally, what action by you and myself could be taken to improve your performance in your current position?"

Mr Kerr: "I would suggest that we could collaborate much more closely."

Miss Willey: "There is one more thing. A matter of discipline I need to address. I hope now you realise that above all in this enlightened era it's necessary to maintain political correctness."

Mr Kerr: "Indeed I do. I can guarantee that the matter you speak of was a momentary lapse. I'm very proud to say that it's been a very long time since a well-endowed lovely has heard me say, "Phwoarrr, not many of those to the kilo".

Miss Willey: "So you believe you've benefitted from the two day 'Post European Political Correctness in the Workplace' seminar?"

Mr Kerr: "A real eye-opener. I now know that the correct manner by which to administer this, the most gracious of compliments in the post European era is to say, "Phwoarrr, not many of those to the pound."

Miss Willey: "Very good. Europhiles may disagree, but the referendum made it clear. People should not have to tolerate metric related conversation. No matter how well meant. I believe that you subsequently apologised to poor Helen."

Mr Kerr: "Indeed so. I now realise the stress that I caused her."

Miss Willey: "And yet you've not once utilised your training and directed a post European remark to me. Don't you find me do-able at all?"

Mr Kerr: "Of course. It's just an oversight."

Miss Willey: "You said earlier that not being able to take advantage of attractive young sex-starved housewives was frustrating for you. Yet no matter how frustrated you were you never once asked me to get my tits out."

Mr Kerr: "For the boys. According to the tutor it's for the boys."

Miss Willey: "Whatever it is, how do you think that makes me feel? Don't you like my tits Owen?"

Mr Kerr: "I love your tits Wanda."

Miss Willey: "So how do they compare to Helen's melons?"

Mr Kerr: "There's no comparison. Yours look even bigger, firmer and more gropable."

Miss Willey: "And what about my legs?"

Mr Kerr: "Longer, slimmer and far more shapely."

Miss Willey: "Good, now we've cleared that up, have you got any questions you'd like to ask me?"

Mr Kerr: "There is just one thing. I was wondering why you aren't wearing any knickers?"

Miss Willey: "You never know when you might be called upon to test a new product. I'm always prepared. Now didn't you say you had some paperwork to attend to?"

Mr Kerr: "I did but I'm afraid to say that I can't leave because looking at your private parts I've become highly aroused."

Miss Willey: "You've become highly aroused? We send you on a very expensive two-day seminar and you come back and tell me you're highly aroused?"

Mr Kerr: "What I meant was, seeing you all Sharon Stoned I need to bend you over the desk and screw you silly."

Miss Willey: "Much better, but before we start I'll need to borrow your Dictaphone."

Mr Kerr: "Really? Wouldn't it be easier to use your finger?"

And to think they said...

1. The Dictaphone gag was dead.

2. The office romance was dead.

3. Alexander Graham Bell was dead.

Did you know that Dictaphone was an American company founded in Washington, D.C. in 1881 by Alexander Graham Bell? The Dictaphone is still an important piece of office equipment today. It's not just a made-up name that forms the basis for that ancient, yet ever hilarious joke.

I wrote at the start that if you've read 'Pirate Sex for Beginners' and 'Ticket to Ride' you'll already know where I'm coming from. So regular readers will understand that it's up to them to provide the sex part. Or parts.

Having said that, I should warn the gentleman (should there be one) that he must not under any circumstances start by actually attempting to use his dick to make a phone call. This action would have been highly unhygienic even in the pre-Covid era.

If you feel you really must stick rigidly to the script I insist that you wear full Personal Protective Equipment. Or as we used to call it, a condom. And don't forget to give your phone a liberal spraying when you finish!