Some folks would say I am blessed, nothing could be farther from the truth.
I am a normal looking man, just over 5'10", in reasonable shape at 34. Bit of thinning of the hair on top, solid 175# with the beginnings of a middle aged spread.
Nice and normal...except.
Nature must have had a sense of humor, between my legs hangs a monstrous deformity. I measured one day just to know, the length isn't all that big of a deal, just over 9" overall from the base to the tip when flaccid. Plus it ain't easy to measure, I had to lay the thing out on the kitchen table to do it.
(Quit fucking laughing, this is serious shit!)
Great, you would think. Except the girth also measures just over 9" around, also flaccid, about the same size as an average coffee cup. The head of my penis is even larger, and being uncircumsized makes it even worse.
In fact I got it stuck in one of Mom's 16 ounce drinking glasses back when I was about 14, (don't ask).
Had to go get Mom to help me get loose, she stuck her finger in alongside with some cooking oil on it and it came right loose with a loud "POP!" sound. Mom never said a word, didn't even crack a smile.
(I said quit laughing.)
So at age 34, I was still technically a virgin. Well, up until just recently, I will get to that part. Impossible? Why women would LOVE the idea of a prong like mine, right?
The truth is that in the few times when it became apparent that intimacy might be in the cards, without fail completing the act was impossible.
Oh, sure, there was the time Maggie Patterson and I were out in the barn, we got to horsing around and I got my hands in her panties, that was fun. Then I got her panties off and she was breathing all funny, I got my pants undone and down around my behind and she reached down and took ahold of me.
Well, she started scooting backwards like a fucking Crab, I was poking away at her and she was scooting backwards. Dang near went off the edge of the haystack into the corral.
Finally I sat up, she looked at me, both of her hands were on me and each one only reached about halfway around. Her eyes looked like saucers, then she let go and just shook her head no, her knees banged together so hard I was afraid Mom would come running to see what the noise was.
Never ever got to feel around with her again after that. Everybody in school looked at me funny after that, too. I finally even quit gym class, they kept calling me "Horsedick" all the time.
Odd that before that none of the guys really ever said much, once the girls started yapping it seemed picking on me was everybody's favorite pastime.
I did get me a job one summer cutting grass for Mrs. Melrose. She and her fat husband owned about 5 acres down the road a piece, I mowed the whole thing a section at a time. Pretty good job, by the time I got the last chunk done the first chunk needed mowed, so I was up there maybe 3-4 times a week.
I never saw much of anybody the first week, then I went up to the house to get paid. It was hotter than hell that day, I just had on a pair of baggy shorts and my tennies, like baggy shorts did much to keep me hidden.
I didn't even think of that, I was tired and dirty and sweaty and I wanted my money. Mrs. Melrose must not have been expecting me, she was in the shower trying to cool off I guess, nobody in our neck of the woods had air conditioning.
Her old man answered the door, turned and hollered, "Sarah! Come and pay the lawn boy!" then he wandered off, sucking on a can of beer.
I didn't like Mr. Melrose much, he always looked at me like I was going to steal something or kick his fucking dog.
Mrs. Melrose came to the door wrapped in a towel, her hair wet, looking all fresh and sweet smelling. I saw her bare legs and about half of one tit that wasn't covered all the way and damned if I didn't start to get a fucking boner!
Some guys can get a boner in baggy shorts and get away with it, in my case I end up with what looks like I have a damned overgrown Zuchinni stuffed in there, no way or place to hide.
Her eyes got all big and funny looking, I turned every shade of red there is, I was trying to look down but hell she was fucking NAKED under that goddamned towel and my dick just got bigger and bigger.
She finally tore her eyes away, turned to go get me some money, giving me a nice view of her bare ass as she walked away clutching the towel to her front.
Oh, now THAT helped lots, now my cock was trying to climb up and out my goddamned pants leg, the situation was getting worse. Mrs. Melrose came back a few minutes later with my money, she managed to slip the fucking towel as she handed it to me, baring one big brown nipple.
"OOPS!" she giggled like a schoolgirl, jerking the towel back up.
I got the hell out of there.
I barely made it home, slapped my cock out on the bathroom counter and began rubbing the top of it like crazy until she let fly all over the back of the sink, mirror, and wall. Finally it went back down, I wiped up the mess just as Mom started hollering that dinner was ready.
The next time I was up there mowing, Mrs. Melrose was out in the yard in a bikini sunning herself. I did my best to pretend I wasn't staring at her, it didn't help that she lay there on her back with her legs all spread out, the tiny bit of cloth barely hiding anything.
I had put on a long shirt so if anything happened I was a little bit hidden. It was still hot as hell, by the third time I passed by where Mrs. Melrose was she had her top undone and was laying on her belly. Looked plumb naked, her bare butt just out there in the damn sun.
Natch I started having trouble again. In less time than it takes to tell, my lawnmower must have looked like it had a trailor hitch on behind.
A BIG trailor hitch!
I was also being careful to do a very good job every time I got close to her, after all, she wasn't looking at me.
Then as I came by again, she sat up, smiled. Titties bare to the world and me, too. I just about sprayed my shorts. Then she waved me over, nothing to do but shut my mower down and go over there, my face red as a Beet but my eyes locked on those fine brown bare boobies.
"You look hot. Want a cold beer?"
A cold anything sounded real good, but I was only 19. Besides, I had never had a beer before.
"Uhhhh..I am only ninetee...."
"Oh, Poo! Sit down, relax."
I sat down, she handed me a dark bottle of something with German writing on it, I took a sip, managed to not screw up my face too much.
"Yum! That's good!" I said, wishing she would look away so I could spit the stuff out. She didn't, I swallowed.
"You sure have grown the last few years." She was looking at my crotch, the end of my cock was threatening to poke up and over my waistband.
"Take off your shirt, you look hot." she encouraged, as I leaned forward trying to hide the wad poking out of me.
"I..I..." I stammered, turning even redder.
"Oh, don't be silly, I have seen men before."
Well, she hadn't seen THIS "man" before, I had not intention at all of...
She just reached over and started unbuttoning my shirt, peeled it back and off me, no messing around. I was almost in shock, here she was, wearing what looked like a Violin string with a postage stamp on it, staring at my crotch like she planned on having it for dinner.
I wanted to run but I didn't want to get up. I took another swig of whatever was in the bottle, that was a mistake. It hit my throat and bounced right back.
"Careful, that's cold."
No, it wasn't so cold, it just tasted like carbonated Pig piss. I set the bottle down, she was almost on top of me, then she WAS on top of me. Her hands were down the front of my shorts before I could try to push her away, my feelings were a mix of terrified, mortified, and lust at the sight of her bare breasts.
Which now were shoved up against my chest, by the way.
"Mrs. Melrose!" I started to protest. She had my cock out of my shorts by now, both hands wrapped around it saying, "Oh my God. Oh my God." Over and over.
Somehow she pulled the string on that thing she wore and it was gone, she raised up, giving me my first real look at a bare pussy. I had always thought that they had hair down there, at least Maggie Patterson did, but Mrs. Melrose didn't have any.
I thought that was funny, she had hair on her head, so why didn't she have hair on her...?
That thought left me because then she was wiggling and pushing, trying to shove me in her. It just would not go, she did everything she could, rubbing back and forth, getting me all slick as she could to no avail.
I couldn't stop it, I blasted off like there would be no tomorrow, over and over as she held me with both hands and rubbed her pussy on the head of my cock.
Frustrated, panting, she lay back and looked at me. She opened her mouth to say something when her old man yelled "Sarah!" from up toward the house.
Mrs. Melrose jumped up and ran towards the house, forgetting her suit if you could call it that in the process. I had a pretty good idea what was coming next, so I grabbed my mower and headed off down the street as fast as I could go, him yelling behind me.
"You little son of a bitch! You bastard cocksucker, you fucking MOTHERFUCKER, come around here again and I will SHOOT you!"
I was going as fast as I could, expecting bullets to come flying my way any second.
Anyway, I didn't get to mow their grass anymore after that.
I didn't get paid, either, which pissed me off.
I am pretty sure Mom heard about what happened, enough of it anyway because she just smiled and told me to not worry about it when I explained I didn't have the job any more.
It was the next week Mom took me to see the first Doctor. She sat there in the room with us while the Doctor checked me over, but I wasn't that bashful around Mom anyway. They were talking about surgery to make me "more normal" and to be frank I didn't like the sound of that one damned bit.
But it was OK, the Doctor had no idea at all what to do, he admitted he had never seen anything quite like my penis before. Then he asked me about "sexual function" and other stuff right in front of Mom. I had no idea at all what "sexual function" even meant other than it does get hard, I told him that, too.
Worse, he asked me if I had had any "experiences". Yea, right in front of Mom. So I had to tell him about the time with Maggie Patterson. Then Mom mentioned that there was an "incident" with a married woman up the street, Mom always was courteous and didn't say her name but now I knew for sure that she knew about Mrs. Melrose.
The Doctor just nodded, I was beginning to think EVERYBODY on the fucking planet now knew about that. Then he went off into a long description about how a woman's vagina can handle delivering a baby that has a head THIS big (He made a circle with his fingers like I didn't know how big a fucking baby's head was).
Right in front of MOM, for Crist's sake!
