In these times of overvalued new cars and bleak employment outlook it pays to know how to buy a used car. Most of us are only three paychecks away from homelessness (finding the ideal location for a cardboard box will be covered in a future article). Because of this 'state of the union' being prepared to downsize from an SUV that burns premium unleaded gasoline at a rate equivalent to a space shuttle launch to a more moderate coal burning, vehicle the size and make up of a Red Flyer Wagon is imperative.
To truly appreciate the vehicles on today's market, one must make a trip to the local new car dealership. That's right new. Initially, a salesman will ask you a lot of unnecessary and invasive questions about your employment history, wages earned, and if you have a valid driver's license. At this early stage in the process it is not wise to rant loudly, in a strange accent, "I only want to learn to steer, I don't care about stopping..." Actions like this should be saved until you have taken the wheel and merged into the fast lane on the Interstate.
As for the financial queries required before the average dealer will allow you behind the wheel, use someone else's information - like a parent or someone dead. If your salesman notices a distinct age disparity and comments that "you look 25 years old, not 58," thank him or her, politely and tell them you represent the Ernest and Tava Borgnine Beauty System and would be willing to give them a complete free make over after they attend a 45 minute no-obligation seminar on the system. Rest assured your salesman will not bring up the subject again.
As you speak to the salesman try to impress upon him or her that you are not just some "tire kicking" techno-phobe. Elucidate on the marvels of the "ion-free radial fermentation" engine, asking when are they expecting to put an engine like that into their cars. Make things up. These people are salesmen, not engineers. Last week he or she was probably selling water beds so they will never know the difference.
Next will come your chance to sit behind the wheel in a showroom demonstrator. Play with every button and gadget on the dashboard. This will come in handy in a later step. Try to pull buttons off the dash explaining that you sometimes transport chimps and orangutans to the zoo and that "they just love to play with buttons."
Tell the salesman you want to look under the hood as you fumble for the hood release. Wait until they step to front of the car to unlatch the hood, then lay on the horn. This never fails to amuse the rest of the sales staff and will show your salesman you are clever enough to find the best hidden of all gadgets in a car - the horn. If your salesman shows signs of stress at this moment, press the windshield washer button. As the stream shoots over the roof onto the sales manager's desk you can innocently exclaim, "Oh, there it is!"