Fuck Tourettes Syndrome 1

Here is some stuff that I wrote that made me laugh. Hope it does you, too [what the fuck does that mean?].

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I have a great-grandmother, still alive at 92 years old... but we're not close... I owe her money. My attorney wants me to "wait her out."

I was a victim of identity theft not too long ago. But the guy turned himself in... He was afraid I'd ruin HIS credit rating.

Everybody gets excited about the black box on an airplane - you wanna see some real excitement? Next time you fly try getting on board with a black box.

What is it about alcohol that makes women horny as a cat and THINK they are irresistible? After that 4th shot of Jagermiester she's got her feet up on the sunroof and her panties around her ankles, "Do you think I'm pretty down here? You can kiss me down there."

"That's a very tempting offer ma'am, but let me tell why I pulled you over this evening."

Or she lifts up her shirt. "Don't you think my tits are better than hers?"

"Ya, sure. I guess. One of 'em anyhow... maybe, the left one."

There is this great commercial on TV for Viagra. Everybody who see's this guy notices something's different. Hey Bob, new haircut? no? Hey Bob, new car? Hey Bob, did you lose weight? Hey, uh Bob. Are you, uh... sporting a woody? Hm, yeah, don't you think that's a bit... inappropriate at the office, Bob?

At the end they always carry the disclaimer "Call a physician if you have an erection for more than 4 hours..." What for, to brag?

Who's in charge of this country? George W. Bush... this guy is Rainman without the math skills. He has the intellectual depth of a wading pool and the scariest thing is he's like a night light - just enough glow to find the medicine cabinet, but not enough to read labels. So John Q Public is stuck trying to taste the difference between Rolaids and Percodin.

I've actually heard people say "Give him a break, he isn't that smart." Hey, the kid who bags my groceries isn't that smart, but he's not going to trigger the apocalypse because he wants to see what that red button on his desk does. Does anybody else feel like they went to sleep and woke up on the Planet of the Apes?

Internet porn - fun stuff, huh? I saw an ad for a "Demur Teen" - you know somewhere beyond your second birthday it's tough to look demur with your ankles behind your head.

Russian Porn - it would seem pornography is Russia's leading export after air borne beta particle radiation.

How about, "Petite Pussy" - If there IS another kind I'd really rather not know about it.

School mascots are supposed to be intimidating, right? so why do some schools call themselves the Yellow Jacket or the Hornets..?Those are bugs. A 99 cent pair of flip flops trumps a bug every time. BUT if you take the field as the Herpes Simplex Virus, I guarantee your gridiron opponents will see you in a completely different light.

At the very least you'll have the locker room to yourselves.

Girls won't need to put a sticker tattoo on their face at football games... they could just point to that cold sore on their lip, "Be true to your school... I got really drunk one night and got another one, down here (point to crotch)... (giggle)"

Ah the joys of higher education.

Not that all teams need a mascot. Picture this - the University of Arkansas Wrestling Team. Announce them and play that song from "Deliverance" (jing jing jing jing jing). Change the uniform - overalls with one strap. Put a couple of mouth breathers up front (points) "Ah'm gonna make you my bride." That my friends, is intimidation.

I saw a Catholic School that called themselves the Missionaries. I find that particularly ironic. "Excuse me Padre, but that's NOT the Missionary Position."

I love to read the advertisements that follow the drugs ads in magazines--it's like a novella. And they all say "Do not use this product if you are pregnant, do not use this product if you think you are pregnant, do not use this product if you want to become pregnant, do not use this product if you can spell 'pregnant.'" They should save some space and just write, "Do not use this product." Wouldn't that be simpler?

The worst beating I ever got: my girlfriend stepped out of the shower and bent over to pick up the towel. She was having her period and when she bent over I saw a little string peeking out of... you know where. It was the 4th of July so I thought I 'd be kinda cute and funny. I picked up a book of matches, lit one, held it out, and said "Oh look dear, you have a fuse."

Tee shirts that I've yet to print:

Christ isn't the problem, it's all those fuckin' Christians

Ask me about my Tourette's Syndrome!

future ex-wife will fuck for house

Thank God for stereo (over woman's breasts)

Product of first cousins in love

Did I already say Fuck You?

(front) I'm not paranoid, I'm Jewish(back) Oy, the paranoids, you should see

(front) She said if I had tits I'd get bored with 'em... (back) They know so little about us

Your breasts look heavy, can I carry them for you?

Too good looking NOT to be gay

Still fighting the terrible twos

Only a visitor to planet earth

Wow, I just blew my mind

If a Buddahist falls in the woods does he make a sound?

(front) A. What is an insignificant ass-hole, Alex? (back) Q. You

Angels wept, when I was born

(front) I'm not ADHD (back) I've overdosed on amphetamines

(front) I'm not drunk(back) I'm unconsious

"You 'must' pay the rent!"(this is for a man with a handlebar moustache)

Ask me about John Holmes Facial Cream

(picture of Pete Rose) "Three to one, I make the Hall o' Fame"

(toddler size pink sleeper — Greek affiliation in background i.e. Tri Delta) Future beer slut

Sexy? You shave yours first...

I'm like Robin Bush - steal from the rich and give it to the very rich

Real Estate Opportunity:

Visit Crackling Wire Estates Mobile Home Park a subsidiary of Rio Los Banos Country Club featuring our 3 championship golf courses: Gater's Lair, Copperhead Marsh and Stinking Dunes. And for the miniature golfer try Mosquito Bend. Not a duffer? You can go horse back riding at the Thrush Hook Riding Academy, have a day of crappie fishing on Sulfur Springs Lake or explore the geologic wonder of Los Banos Tar Pits. Hungry, try our world class cuisine at the Brass Spittoon or for the casual and family dining stop in the Slaughterhouse and be sure to sample our world's famous Pig Sty Pie. Adults can enjoy a cocktail at the Black Eye Lounge. Crackling Wire Estates is conveniently located a mere seven miles from the Shifting Sands Power Plant; providing residents with clean, safe, dependable nuclear power, and it's a short drive to Stunted Pines Naval Gunnery Range.

We're easy to find. Exit the highway after you pass the high voltage towers, take a left on Strom Thurman Boulevard and go right on Cleft Palate Road. Make a reservation for a free guided tour within the next 24 days and you'll receive five free tickets to Branson, Missouri's newest celebrity-themed fun park, Frawley-wood. That's right Frawley-wood. The world's first tribute theme park to William Frawley that lovable Fred Mertz of I love Lucy and the irascible Uncle Charlie from My Three Sons (first season).

Crackling Wires Estates Mobile Home Park; we're the direction the deep south is going.

News Headlines:

Bush: FEMA Readies for Next Major Hurricane with creation of world's largest sponge

Bush declares: "Today's embryos, tomorrow, will pay for your Social Security... even though it's just a bunch of papers... it's not like real money, it's just papers. I've seen 'em. And we need real money, you know, American greenbacks. Printed money that's what need. But these embryos, they're real children, who are gonna make real money."

Pentagon officials promise to "bomb Afghanistan back to stone-age." Acting Afghani Pres Hamid Karzai "...excited about the upgrade."

News Release:

Yesterday, the world was officially introduced to the newest humanitarian effort to eliminate a disabling affliction, aptly named: Fuck Tourette's Syndrome [FTS].

The number of individuals with undiagnosed Tourette's Syndrome may or may not be climbing. Awareness of the symptoms is the only way to determine where we stand in the fight with this embare-ASS-ing affliction.

Official spokesman for Un-Precedented Yearnings Of Uncontrollably Repressed... SHIT-heads!, known as UPYOURS, the newest organization for Tourette's sufferers, Dave Chappelle was quoted during the first board meeting.

"This is some annoying shit! These mother-fuckers piss me off." Even though studies indicate this is primarily a Caucasian related syndrome--Dave Chappelle, "You can't always diagnose this shit with the brothers."--the well-known comedian offered to lend his name to the cause after meeting this first year's poster person, Miss Bambi Winsome.

Again, quoting Mr Chappelle: "This white bitch got's some fine ass." Miss Winsome was selected to represent the cause when she admitted herself to the Richard Pryor Memorial Institute of Sexual and Chemical Addiction complaining of an inability to control her verbal outbursts when alone with men of color.

"She's crazy!" Mr Chappelle stated. "I mean 'Rick James' crazy! But she touched something in me... Or on me! Hah!"

Indicative of the comedian's busy schedule he concluded his presentation before the board with, "Hey, white boy, you gonna hold that shit all day, or smoke it! This ain't no Grateful Dead concert. This meeting's adjourned, mother-fuckers!"

UPYOURS, a non-profit organization, has yet to settle on an official logo. Several have been submitted by members of the movement but, to date, none have been approved for wide-spread distribution.

Also involved in the effort is actor Bill Murray who once played a man pretending to be afflicted with the disease ("What About Bob") in order to be more annoying than he all ready was.

"No social situation can be comfortable if you have Tourette's, unless it's like a 'Red Hot Chili Peppers' concert. Or maybe, 'Nine Inch Nails,'" the charismatic Canadian born actor stated.

"Do I get paid for this?"

"No sir, it's non-profit. But we can introduce you to the poster person..."

"What, that crazy blond with the great ass? I'm in, babe. But, please don't tell people I called you babe. I don't wanna sound Hollywood."

So far the organization has fully funded the Lenny Bruce Library for Vernacular Studies and fund raising has started for the Tom Arnold Research Clinic for Adult ADHD.

Stay tuned for more...