Report On Limbo Airlines Flight 69

Preliminary Report on Limbo Airlines Flight 69

Wgaius

860 words

To: NTSB Investigative Panel,

Herewith the transcript of the cockpit voice recorder recovered from the site of the recent event near Derby, FL. After a preliminary analysis, the data immediately indicate a probable cause. The voices heard are those of Alison Green, Captain; Martin Spence, Copilot; and Air Traffic Controllers in Atlanta and Jacksonville.

ATC Atlanta: Limbo 69, say your altitude.

Spence: [click] Level at two seven zero, Atlanta. Leaving you on course one seven five. [click]

ATC: Nearest traffic 47 miles to west. No alerts. Call Jacksonville on 118.1. Good night.

Green (on cabin mike): Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. We're level at 27 thousand feet, expecting a smooth ride all the way down to St. Thomas. Because this is a charter flight, the rules are a little relaxed, but we still recommend that everyone keep their seatbelts fastened when not in your seats. Sit back and enjoy the flight.

Spence: Sit back? Most of those folks were drunk or toked up when they boarded. It's going to be a riot back there.

Green: [click] Jacksonville, this is Limbo 69, with you at two seven zero, en route to St. Thomas.

ATC Jacksonville: Good evening, 69. Maintain present course and altitude. Listen on 118.1.

Green: Roger, maintain. [click] What do we have back there this time, accountants going to a convention, or monks seeking enlightenment?

Spence: Word is, it's a sex club. This is their annual trip to take in the sun.

Green: Sex club? Really? What the hell is a sex club?

Spence: Well, they call themselves 'The Greater Atlanta Social and Dining Club'. I think they meet at intervals to do, well, whatever they want. Then once a year...

[voices in background, two thumps in cabin]

Green: Sounds like they can't wait till we get there.

Spence: I was told it's like this every year with this bunch.

Green: I've got to see this. Take it. [Sounds of movement] For crying out loud, half of them are naked! Their clothes are everywhere! There's a woman, um...[pause]

Spence: What?

Green:...being screwed by two men at once. Front and back. She seems to be enjoying it, too. The others are gathered around, cheering them on.

Spence: That's disgusting.

Green: Come and look, Martin. Check the autopilot first.

Spence: Checked. [sound of movement] Let me see. Don't hog the peephole.

Green: There's another couple going at it now.

Spence: Alison! Let me see!

Green: There! Don't be so anxious, Martin. Aren't you getting any at home?

Spence: I'm doing fine.

Green: That isn't what I've heard. Things get around, you know.

Spence: What are you doing, Alison?

Green: Something I've wanted to do for a long time, Martin.

Spence: I've got a wife!

Green: Feels like there's enough here for your wife and me both.

Spence: Jeez, that feels nice. [labored breathing]

Green: Now let me look. Hold these while you're waiting.

Spence: Is this a new shirt? The buttons don't unfasten easily.

Green: Oh-h-h. That's nice, Martin. Don't forget the nipples. Oh, my!

Spence: Do you like that?

Green: I mean, Lucy, the new attendant - she's going down on 4C.

Spence: Isn't that unprofessional?

Green: I'll have to remember to report her. Oh-h-h-h-h-h. Don't stop, Martin.

Spence: Alison? Don't you wear pantyhose? Or underwear either?

Green: Not when I'm flying with you, Martin.

Spence: Jeez, you're all wet already.

Green: I was wet before we were off the ground. I'm that way every time we fly together.

Spence: You're so cool and professional. I couldn't tell.

Green: Well, you know now. Put that thing in me, now. Now!

Spence: Yes, Captain. [sound, probably zipper]

Green: Come on, Martin, I'm waiting.

Spence: How are we going to do this? There's not enough room.

Green: I don't care! Use your imagination. Just do it. [grunts and noises]

[chime sound]

Female alarm voice:

Autopilot disengaged, autopilot disengaged.

Green: Oh, Martin, that feels wonderful! Can you push it in further? Come on, fill me up!

Spence: Oh, God, Alison, I don't think I can hold on.

Green: Don't you dare go off until I do! That's an order, First Officer.

[grunts, wet noises]

ATC: 69, we're reading a change in altitude. Are you altering your flight plan?

Green: Leave that mike alone! Touch me there.

Spence: There? [unknown animal-like cry] I guess that's the place.

Green: Oh, yes!

ATC: 69, we see you descending rapidly through two two zero. Please confirm and state your intentions.

Green: Omigod, I'm coming! I'm coming! [unintellible]

Spence: Oh, Jeez! Me too, uh! [unintellible] Agh! [heavy breathing]

ATC: 69, respond, 69. Declare your intentions. Do you have an emergency?

Green: Get that, Martin!

Spence: I can't. My pants are around my ankles!

Male voice alarm:

Maximum safe airspeed exceeded. Maximum safe airspeed exceeded.

Female voice alarm:

Pull up! Pull up! Pull up!

Spence: Listen to them yelling in back! Do you think they're enjoying themselves as much as we are?

Green: Not a chance. A kiss, Martin?

Spence: Oh, yes, Alison.

[sounds of breakup - tape ends]