Though I hadn't entered and knew nothing about it, I apparently won the competition. I was embarrassed. My wife, Trixibell, had entered for me; she used my name and everything. The entry was based on my farming activities and she used all the fancy language. "Conserving Soil Carbon" she called it and she described my efforts to compost. I just wanted the cows to do well. I'd had enough of living with the ass out of my pants and being unable to afford anything better.
Because I was flying to the capital to meet the minister and collect my prize, the kids were jealous. We kept telling them that they weren't invited. Eventually it was resolved, Jon, Don and Ron went to stay with Uncle Con. Aileen, Gaylene, Rayleen and Carlene went to stay with Auntie Lurlene. Trixibell was happy to pack them up and send them on the train. It was a performance.
Then it was my turn to go. Trixibell had me all packed up and on my way very quickly, she promised that she would take good care of the farm.
Six days in the capital, I wasn't enthusiastic. I'd have much preferred to stay at home with the cows and the bloody bull- he worried me, too cantankerous to load up for the butcher and too valuable, with his pedigree, to shoot and leave to rot in the paddock like I should have. The little bastard was huge and he could run. We called him M.D., short for Managing Director because he could manage and he was direct. I thought the A was missing; MAD would have been just as accurate. I liked the name Malevolent Destructor; it was a perfect description of him.
The kids loved watching him, he had no inhibitions. They didn't need pictures to help with their sex education. Several times I just avoided being gored. He often destroyed a lot of fencing and the cows always took a long time to get back into the paddocks. I'd tried to keep him from the heifers, but he decided otherwise, and had mated with all of them. He didn't care about whether they were ready or not. Trixibell promised to stay away from him. No telling what he'd do if he thought she was in estrus.
Having to wait in an airport lounge is especially difficult. The announcement of the flight being delayed for six hours was made just after Trixibell left. She said that she had things to do and we had kissed our fond farewells. I settled into a seat and waited for check in. I thought of what I might have forgotten while I waited. My mobile phone began to vibrate and I answered it. I was expecting it to be Trixibell but it was a male voice and, after introducing himself, he informed me that the convener of the convention had unfortunately died, and the convention had, at the last moment, been cancelled.
"Bugger," I thought, but I was also pleased to be able to go back to the farm. It was the first time I appreciated having the bloody airport so close to the farm. I tried to ring Trixibell but when she didn't answer I started to walk home.
Fifteen kilometers isn't far when driving a car but to walk it, with a full suitcase in hand and in the blazing summer sun, is something else.
I was most appreciative when Sol Gerschwittzen pulled up alongside and offered me a lift. I was very surprised, he worked for Fordy O'Murtrie. Fordy and I didn't get on. In fact, I had a lot of reasons to dislike the bastard.
"If you don't tell, neither will I," Sol said. I agreed. The truck was wonderful, almost new with air conditioning and Sol loved driving it.
"Thought you'd like a ride in your truck," Sol said.
"Thanks," I replied.
Fordy O'Murtrie had sold M.D. to me. He didn't mention MD's malevolence and the impossibility of managing him. I thought that was a low deed. Bastard! When I'd had enough, I called Fordy, the bastard, and asked him to truck M.D. to market for me. Fordy, the bastard, was hesitant but eventually agreed.
M.D. didn't want to get onto the truck. Fordy, the bastard, had brought a cattle prod and started using it. M.D. didn't like it. He bellowed with the pain, he pawed at the dirt, he looked around and suddenly he was running. The noise was incredible as he hit the side of Fordy, the bastard's truck. The noise continued as M.D. put his head under the tray of the truck, and with a massive effort, Fordy the bastard's truck was tipped over. M.D. demonstrated his thoroughness by attacking the bloody truck. The windows and lights were broken, the doors were wrenched off. I thought Fordy, the bastard, would help but he ran and hid as M.D. wrecked the truck. When the damage was done, M.D. casually sauntered to the paddock where all the heifers were.
Two days later I got an account in the mail, to pay for the bloody truck. The price was vastly exorbitant; he wanted new replacement value to be paid, for the use of a crane and the transport of his truck off my property. My lawyer said I had no defense and I'd be better off paying the bastard. I didn't know my lawyer was Fordy O'Murtrie's too, the bastard.
So, it was a pleasure to ride in my truck, and a fine truck it was too. Sol dropped me at my gate, he wasn't able to take me to my door, Fordy, the bastard, would have found out and sacked him.
"Thanks," I said, as I got out. "By the way, what's your real name Sol?"
"Kevin," he said.
"Why Sol?" I asked.
"Fordy's idea." The bastard.
"Ok." I thought about it for a moment. "Why Sol?" I asked.
"Promise not to tell anyone?"
"Yep."
"It's short for asshole."
"Ok, Kevin. Thanks for the ride."
The walk up my drive to the house was easy in spite of the sun; I thought Trixibell would be surprised. The dogs came to see me and were pleased my time away had been so short. It was the beginning of a lovely home coming. From the front gate I saw a car parked beside the house. I saw it was red. As I got closer I saw it was a Mercedes sports. He bought it at the same time he bought the truck, the sheer expense and frivolity of it had the whole district talking. While the rest of us were struggling, he decided to demonstrate his wealth, and drove around in it through the summer, with its top off. The hard top was on now; obviously he didn't want to risk having a chook scratch up the upholstery or a dog bury something in it. I wondered why Fordy O'Murtrie, the bastard, would be visiting.
The only sign of life around the house was me and the dogs as I approached. I walked to the back door and looked in through the window. I had expected to see Trixibell and probably Fordy, the bastard, in the kitchen, at the table, but no one was there.
I put down the suitcase and wandered around the house, looking in the windows as I went. There was no one in the dining room, no one in the lounge, no one in Donny's room or Aileen's. But as I peered into our bedroom I saw a movement. I got down low and looked properly. There on our bed was Trixibell. She was naked, facing the bed, and holding her up by the legs was Fordy O'Murtrie, the bastard, who was also naked and fucking my Trixibell. It was all too much for me. I sat by the window and muttered,
"The bastard," over and over. I could hear her scream and it wasn't a scream of anything but pleasure. I was in shock and not sure what I could do. Fordy, the bastard, was obviously welcome in my house and in my bed. He's a big cuss, twenty two stone of pure muscle and six feet six inches tall. I could go in, yell at them and pick a fight, but getting out could be a problem. I figured I'd have to be smart.
I went and got my suitcase from near the back door and hid it. Then found some cattle drench in the shed. I went back to the house and peered through our bedroom window. Fordy, the bastard, was still playing wheelbarrows with my Trixibell.
I figured that he'd be a while yet. I unlocked the back door and quietly went in. I could hear Fordy the bastard grunting and my Trixibell moaning. On the table was a bottle of alcohol. Neither Trixibell, nor I drink, so it must have been for Fordy, the bastard. I was lucky the bottle was open. I quickly and quietly tipped out some of its contents and tipped in some premixed drench. There must have been enough to drench about twenty cows.
"If Fordy, the bastard, thinks he's active now, wait until he has a sip of this," I thought to myself, "he'll be shitting himself inside out." I left the kitchen, went to the shed and got a jimmy bar, some screws, wire and some bags. I went to the long drop dunny and started work. With the jimmy bar I took off all the iron below the seat at the back, then with the screws and wire I secured lots of bags, no one would notice. I went and got two bricks and put them by the dunny, ready for when they were needed. Next was the bloody car. I looked in the window and there I saw Trixibell's knickers hanging off the gear shift.
"Bastard!" I thought. I got some cow shit and stuffed it up the exhaust; it was quite a task poking it up as high as it could go. I found some wood on the wood heap and with another block of wood hit it into the exhaust, as tight as I could. Then I went to the hay shed, got a few biscuits of hay and threw them around the yard. I also opened the gate. Lastly, I got the video recorder and its tripod, who said I was a bumpkin? I sat behind the dunny and waited. The smell around the breather pipe wasn't so far from high heaven, as is normal in summer.
I waited for hours it seemed, but it was only about half an hour really. The back door opened and Trixibell was laughing and naked as she emerged with Fordy, the bastard, also naked, following. They were laughing and she did a little jig, her breasts bounced as she held her hands up and showed her body to the bastard. She bent over and with her hands pulled the cheeks of her ass apart. He was all smiles as he watched.
In his hands he had a bottle and two glasses. He put them on the outdoor table and suddenly started chasing her. My Trixibell screamed with delight and started running. She didn't get far; the bastard quickly caught her, picked her up, and carried her to the kid's sandpit. There he put her down, spread her legs and put his head between them. I could hear him sucking and her moaning. He had quite a feast with Trixibell's legs spread wide, and she squirmed as he lapped at her. Lucky I had the camera going, it recorded her orgasm as she shook, trembled and shouted. He persisted as she continued with multiple orgasms and shouted all the time. Eventually he stopped and she recovered her breath, slowly. I heard her say,
"I'll get you for that!" He laughed. She lay there, breathing loudly, I could hear it, and he waited.
