Lucky Lucky Lucky Mike

This story is part of the 750 Word Challenge, Dirty Joke sub-challenge. Below this line are exactly 750 words.

"Mike, my man, the usual?" I knew he'd say yes, so I poured a mug of Bud and had it waiting for him when he sat down. "How's life?" He lived in a low-end apartment just around the corner and had been a regular since I opened the place.

"Been a week, man. And for want it's worth, I'm Lucky Mike now, not just Mike." He took a long draw on his beer and let out a loud sigh, flashing a brand-new tattoo on his left forearm. "Lucky" in a stylized cursive.

"Sounds like a story." I swapped out his empty for another mug of beer.

"Yeah, my mom's not doing well, and I tried to go see her." He shook his head and let out another massive sight. "It wasn't pretty. I'm still kinda shook up by the whole thing."

"Tried? What happened?"

"Things are tight at the shop. Benny couldn't give me an advance, so I took the bus. Fucking long ass trip, but it's what I could afford."

"Man, I hate the damned bus. Stops at every little town, full of all kinds of people."

"Yeah, and this one was packed, but that's not the bad part. Damned driver fell asleep and ran off the road. Rolled the damned thing. Fucking fifty people on board, fifty-one if you count the driver. Killed 'em all, except me. I guess I've got a guardian angel or something because I walked away without a scratch, so yeah, Lucky Mike."

"Fuck man, that deserves a shot." I poured him a tequila and slipped it across the bar. "On me."

It was a month before I saw him again.

"Lucky Mike." I slipped his beer across the bar. "How's your mom? Did you make it out to see her?"

"Fuck man, she died before I could get there. And it's Lucky, Lucky Mike." He showed me his updated tattoo. A second 'Lucky,' just like the first.

"Wait, your mom died. How the hell is that lucky?"

"My brother sent me a plane ticket. I mean, I'm sure not taking the goddamned bus after what happened last time."

"Fuck, I'm sorry, man. Was the funeral nice?" I poured him a tequila shot. "Here, on me, and I still don't see how that's lucky."

"I didn't make it. Fucking budget airlines." He downed his tequila and slammed the shot glass onto the bar. I could see he needed another one, so I poured it.

"Overbooked?"

"Yeah. Some fat guy next to me smelled like he hadn't bathed in a month, too. We got into a storm and the fat asshole threw up all over both of us. It was disgusting."

"I'm still not seeing lucky."

"They called it a microburst. Damned plane hit the side of a mountain. 232 people, pilots, stewardesses, fatty, everybody but me. Other than his puke, I didn't even break a nail. The damndest thing ever. Airlines, rescue team, FFA, nobody can explain it. One of the rescue guys thought the fat guy saved my life. So, yeah, Lucky, Lucky Mike."

"I saw that on the news. I can't believe that was you. Fuck me, man. Lucky, Lucky Mike it is. Tabs on me today." I poured him another beer.

"Lucky, Lucky Mike. How's it going? Haven't seen you in a while." It was three weeks since I saw him last, walking in with an obvious limp.

"Yeah, got me a new girlfriend."

"Girlfriend, really. Sounds good." I slid him his beer.

"Beyond good. She is so out of my league. Makes Megan Fox look ugly, smart, funny, good job, and a beast in bed. Oh, and it's Lucky, Lucky, Lucky, Mike, now,"

"What? After the bus and the plane, you've got to be bulletproof."

"My new girlfriend and I got into a bit of an accident. I was over at her place. Nice second-floor apartment over on third by the bank. Like I said, she's a beast in bed. We were going at it like you wouldn't believe. I mean, she sucks cock like a high-end whore. She's into anal, too. Her pussy is heaven on earth. Anyway, we're fucking like rabbits, like I said. We were on round three, and this Rambo asshole downstairs is cleaning his gun or some bullshit. He shoots her in the ass, taking my left nut off, too."

"Holy fuck, man, that's not lucky. That's awful."

"Nah man, lucky as hell. Thirty seconds sooner and he would've got me between the fucking eyes."