Local Theater Club 02

Local Theater Club 02

"[Headset producer Jane] act 2, scene 4, the Queen's bitching court continues!"

"[Headset producer Lois] and counting down from five, four, three (silently mouths), two, one, curtain up!

"My Grace, has her Grace finished glugging from thy thigh flask, my Grace? The court has other matters to address, my Grace, so?"

"[Glug, swig, glug, swig] what? Oh, proceed then and by all means, let's start up again with what I see before me because I'm not sure what I'm looking at, which is not a complaint, so, Lord William of the Words, please describe what has caught her Graces, the Queen, me, attention, go on."

"[Shuffles a few stone tablets around] a roadmap, my Grace, but I think I'll re-chisel a few stone tablets to refer to it as a slit or a slut slit in thy medieval gown, my Grace, as the extended leg is a roadmap to the good stuff, my Grace. I also understand that the local low born and middle born housewife wenches are requesting that thy sword sliced slut slits be made available on the commoner shop shelves in time for the Sir Phat Dawg's Amateur Night Brothel & Pub Crawl in thy Kingdom's Silk Alley, my Grace, so?"

"Well, that's worthy of a swing of my Queen's approving staff then! However, Commoner Connie, has thou proven that thy badass slut slit gown still allows for the proper bending of the knee for thy horny men because we women have been brainwashed to constantly service the needs of thy fowl men of the Kingdom, hmm?"

"Yes, my Grace, with thy 'of age' son of thy neighbor, my Grace, over the past Fort Night, my Grace and thy boy next door has not submitted any complaints, my Grace."

"[Swings her Queen's staff] Lady Spinster Silly Sally, does thou have the labor force to slut slit enough cheating gowns to stock thy commoners shop shelves in time for the Amateur Night Brothel & Pub Crawl in thy Kingdom's Silk Alley, hmm?"

"My Grace, my Grace, thy may take my head, my Grace, but thy Spinster Silly Sally had foreseen the future of these medieval modern times, my Grace and thy sweat shop labor production has been in high gear, my Grace, for two moons now, my Grace, with the help of her Grace's daughter as a model, my Grace, so?"

"Well, I wondered where that spoiled little brat had been disappearing to, but her Grace, the Queen, me, can see the value of thy slut slit gowns for future red carpet photo ops, so, as it has been modeled, so shall it be available to all of the lowborn and middleborns lonely and sex starved wenches [slams her Queen's staff down firmly]. What else might you have thought of, Spinster Silly Sally, as our Kingdom proceeds into the modern medieval times, hmm?"

"Your Grace, thy daughter, Goth Gina of the Realm, your Grace, mentioned that you, your Grace, has a thing for super wedgies, my Grace, so I've been working on special silky bloomers, my Grace, that will make the Knights pass out, my Grace, when you bend over for them, my Grace and Lord William of the Words already suggested that I call them 'booty wedgie bloomers' instead of a microwave oven, my Grace, so?"

"Mm-hmm, thy Grace, thy Queen, me, is please that the Kingdom still thinks that I still have it and proclaim that thy Spinster Silly Sally shall be anointed to head Seamstress of the Kingdom, mm-hmm!"

"[Headset producer Jane] Ron, tighten up the queen's daughter, Goth Gina's wedgie now! Goth Gina, strut across the stage in your modern booty shorts and make it obvious and go!"

[Mm-hmm, strutting the runway that hasn't even been invented yet and with a hand on her hip!]

"[Headset producer Lois] fair maiden, Lolita Lola, it's time for your chastity belt panties drop and don't be afraid to upstage the Queen's daughter, Goth 'da booty' Gina, especially since your love interest is in the audience has been warned and go!"

"[Soft shuffling feet head towards the Queen's throne] your Grace, your Grace..."

"Halt, who dares to shuffle towards her Grace, the Queen, me, without consent, hmm? I mean, other than a holy fuck of a blonde bombshell smoke show, hmm?"

"[Gasps for air] it is I, your Grace, thy fair maiden from the village, my Grace, first of her name, Lolita Lola, my Grace, first of my family to be placed in chastity, my Grace and first to bring legal suit against thy disgusting asshole step daddy, my Grace."

"OMFG, and I suppose..."

"[Scurrying feet quickly approach the throne] that's right, my Grace, it is I, your Grace, Lady Lawyer Lydia of Smoke & Mirrors, your Grace and I am representing thy fair maiden and her daddy issues, my Grace and in exchange for a barter, my Grace, we shall bring class action suit testimony and evidence against those who deserve punishment, my Grace! Fair maiden, Lolita Lola, please lift your fair maiden dress like stripping has already been invented and show thy court officials what thy nasty ass step daddy has sentenced thy too, mm-hmm!"

[Multiple gasps from the stage actors and a huge 'whoop, whoop' from the audience as the first stripper ever raises her fair maiden dress and exposes what seems to be a chastity belt from a thousand years in the future since chrome hadn't been invented yet]

"[Swings her Queen's staff] called it, this vixen from the village is a total smoke show! Thy fair maiden, um, just stand there and um, wow, be you, wait, fair maiden, Lolita Lola, is it your testimony that you are the freshest of fresh meat and having your step daddy slap and fap himself over you because that fucking idiot lost the key to your glory, doesn't count, so?"

"Oh, my Grace, your Grace, I promise thee, my Grace, all of my glory, front and back, my Grace, is fresher than fresh, my Grace, but my glory is so ready to be violated by..."

"Mm-hmm, we know, Nobleman Phil has laid claim to thy fair maiden goods and..."

"Oh, no, no, my Grace, thy tricked sugar daddy Nobleman Phil, as he was just my gold-digging ticket out of the village and to be received at the Kingdom's castle, my Grace, my gym whipped holy fuck of a smoke show body and my loins, my Grace, burn, burn with a flurry, for thy Lord Paul of Seat 13C, my Grace and...

"[Whoop, whoop, that's me, folks, Lord Paul of Seat 13C!]"

"[Hmm, it feels like gold-digging is still a work in progress] Lady Lawyer Lydia of Smoke & Mirrors, let's hear it then."

"Thank you, my Grace, as everyone has now eye witnessed what 36-24-36 means, my Grace, I offer even further damaging testimony to the courts because your anointed, Nobleman PP Head, has eye witness reports against him that he has been caught mounting the Kingdom's sheep, my Grace, and you recently gave permission for him to mount a steed from stables, your Grace, for his journey to the village and just where does it end, my Grace, hmm?"

[Nobleman Phil quickly starts to back step out of the castle's auditorium]

"[SOB!] Guards, stop that man!"

"[Drug back while dragging his feet] but your Grace, I mean, I mean, listen not to the words of an Ambulance chasing lawyer, my Grace because..."

"Shut it, you sister fucker! I'll hear the truth because..."

"[Ahem, your Grace, we replaced 'sister fucker' with 'mother fucker' several Fort Nights ago.]"

"[Psst, thank you Lord William of the Words] ahem, Nobleman Phil, is it true testimony that you have been caught many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many times mounting thy Kingdom's sheep of the grassy fields, hmm?"

"[Still being drug away in chains] your Grace, I mean, I mean with thy fair maiden in chastity and with a lost key and with how everyone else thinks I'm just plain ole disgusting, my Grace, I mean, my Grace, the sheep barely fought back and as a matter of fact, my Grace, they went all bah, bah, bah as if moaning, my Grace because..."

"Enough, you mother fucker sheep herder. Lady Lawyer Lydia of Smoke & Mirrors, what punishment does thou client wish to be bestowed upon disgusting ex-Nobleman Phail and what restitution from the Realm does she request, hmm?"

[Clank, clunk, clang, right on que, the way too modern chastity belt undies hit the floor, to the delight of literally everyone because real undies hadn't been invented yet, but apparently shaving the dungeon area had been invented.]

"But first, well, well, well, fair maiden, thy Lord Paul of Hickory Street is one lucky mother fucker then because your smoke show just doesn't stop! And see me later about who shaves you. Oh (giggles) and how, since that's a badass chastity, well, let's continue after..."

"[Holla, that's me, folks, Lord Paul of Hickory Street, one lucky mother fucker! Wait, not like that.]"

"After thy fair smoke show maiden, gives us a twirl and bend at thy waist so we'll all know why this Lord Paul of the paint department has stone pillar needs for a trip to thy restroom, mm-hmm!"

"[Giggles and gives it a twirl, like six twirls and three bends, again, to the delight of literally everyone] I'll be signing autographs on thy Lord Paul of the big box store lap after the show everyone (giggles)."

[Lord Paul of the community college passes out]

"Guards, take thy faggot ass ex-Nobleman Phil and chain him naked over a barrel and sentence him to one week in Hound pen, the male Hound pen, mm-hmm! And take a trip to the village and snatch that gross ass nasty step daddy and sentence him to the same! Now, Lady Lawyer Lydia of Smoke & Mirrors, what does thy client demand as restitution for the manner that she has been treated, hmm? Thy Grace, the Queen, me, has pity on her treatment, so?"

"Your Grace, thy smoke show blonde bombshell would feel justified with (giggles), a cute split level loft bed chambers within the castle, which has a side door and a spiral staircase as an escape route for her many nighttime suitors, which also has a private toilet hole and a unlimited Raven communication messaging plan so she can keep up with her ride or die bitches, my Grace, so, um, you know, my Grace, the modern medieval times 'hook a girl up' restitution plan because..."

"[Quickly raises hand] pardon, my Grace, pardon, but an allowance would be nice too because shoes have become all the rage in these modern medieval times that we live in and a girl has to have better footwear than her ride or die bitch friends, my Grace, with apologies for my outburst, my Grace, so?"

"[OMG, girls are worse than guys!] Lord Conner of the Coin, can the Kingdom's leather fanny pack of coin support thy needs of thy..."

"Of course, my Grace, we have two for one shoe coupons, my Grace. And thy fairer than fair maiden can have my unlimited Raven messaging plan since my fat thumbing, you know, kills the Ravens, so, smack your staff down and stroke it like I dream about and say it, my Grace."

"As we women shall always know where are cheating husbands are at night, so shall it be that thy fairer than fair maiden shall be granted the split-level loft bed chambers, with an escape door, an allowance for her kicks and for her rec drug mixers, an unlimited Raven messaging plan and her own fashion line of chastity belt undies, so, as Lord Conner of the Coin is matching my hand strokes of the Queen's staff, so it shall be!"

"[Where did this dude come from?] Your Grace, if I may, my Grace?"

"Hmm, Sir Slammer Jammer from the Hood, I suppose that thou have taken noticed that thy Grace, the Queen, me, has fallen short a lowborn spy and village raider, so, pitch your bitch and I'm listening, so?"

"My Grace [bows head], I'm only here to help and assist my Grace, in her time of need, my Grace and I promise a vast return of raiding and spying from thy pillaging of the village, my Grace, so?"

"Well, Sir Slammer Jammer from the Hood, then you won't be offended if I have to start this interview with a question of your time in sheep fields because thy Grace, the Queen, me, has recently been hood winked and burned, so?"

"Oh, I wasn't expecting that, my Grace and now I'm wondering what I missed earlier while I was having new wooden spinner wheels mounted on thy carriage, but no, my Grace, even though thy may have heard that thy sheep are as close to a woman's nest as there is because..."

"Enough, it was just a test, Sir Slammer Jammer from the Hood, sheesh. [Swings her Queen's staff around] thy Sir Slammer Jammer of the Hood is hereby anointed as thy Kingdom's newest pillager of the village and lowborn spy, so I managed to say before reaching for thy flask hidden in thy thigh garter belt, so let the pillaging of upcoming new Hand Maidens commence!"

"[Wait, what?] Your Grace, pardon, my Grace, but if I may remind thy Grace, my Grace, thy Kingdom's male population is beginning to age, my Grace and her Grace, my Grace, should consider pillaging the villages for younger men as well, my Grace, because nobody likes squishy wrinkles, my Grace, especially in the badass slit hooking gowns thy Grace has commissioned for thy upcoming brothel crawl, so?"

"Mm-hmm, leave it to Lady Madame XXX to see the whole picture, mm-hmm! But thy Grace, the Queen, me, likes how you think, Lady Madame XXX. Sir Stinky of the Stables, prepare a carriage..."

"And, and, and, my Grace, thy Lady Madame XXX plays fair and thy will take thee Sir Funny Boi Babs with thy to lure in other men..."

"[Up pops the Court Jester, Sir Funny Boi Babs] mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, that's right, everyone, the Realm is for everyone, mm-hmm, mm-hm, mm-hmm and you'll all see, mm-hmm, I'm the Pied Piper of these medieval modern times, mm-hmm and Sir Stinky of the Stables, mm-hmm, make it a black carriage with purple lightning bolts on the doors, mm-hmm, with a back seat, mm-hmm and if you have a crystal disco ball, mm-hmm!"

"Sheesh, I guess that's that then. And Lady Madame XXX, I mean..."

"Oh, thy Grace's private cubical booth at thy Sir Phat Dawg's Amateur Night Brothel & Pub Crawl in thy Kingdom's Silk Alley will be awash with bare-chested men, my Grace and in a thousand years, my Grace, history may say that it rained men, my Grace, wrinkle free without dryer sheets and all at your disposal, all without thy asking for a Queen's favor, my Grace, so?"

"[Slams her Queen's staff down] hear ye, hear ye, from this day forth, thy Lady Madame XXX, shall be known as thy Kingdom's Entertainment Director and inventor of the thigh high leather strapped sandal, so we all see them, so those are thighs to die for, so shall it known [slams her Queen's staff down]! Oh, and that other thing that Lady Madame XXX does, um [turns to look at Lady Madame XXX], walks on water????"

"(Giggles) figure skating, my Grace, thy walks on the frozen water of the frozen Oval Sea, my Grace, on skates, my Grace, with the grace of thy Grace, my Grace, only in a skimpy, yet shiny, leotard, my Grace."

"Well, well, well, thy Grace, the Queen, me, hereby claims that all middleborn wenches who want to make dinner in a skimpy, yet shiny, leotard, shall all do so, without judgement because..."

"(Psst) your Grace, there must be judgement or there's no medals handed out, my Grace, I mean, it's rigged and all, but there must be thy judgement, but thy wenches can just go find a more friendly judge, so?"

"Correction, my wench housewives of thy Kingdom, any middleborn wench who wants to make dinner in a skimpy, yet shiny, leotard may or shall be judged by thy limp hubby, but thy can turn thy tables on thy wet noodle judge and go get with it elsewhere in the neighborhood or volunteer for dinner services inside of any of the chain of brothels, as it has been said, so shall it be chiseled in stone!"

[The wench extras on stage applaud]

"[Headset producer Jane] and scene and curtain people! And we still haven't been arrested yet!"

"[Headset producer Jane] it's not over yet, people, we still have Sir Phat Dawg's Amateur Night Brothel & Pub Crawl in thy Kingdom's Silk Alley scene to get through! And remember, fair maiden Lola, you're switching over to the disgruntled and rebel from the hood, Carlita, who struts around the Silk Alley like she owns it while puffing on a cigarette and then realizes how lucrative the brothel business really is and starts thinking about taking over, chop, chop, people and ladies, ladies, ladies, don't forget the nipple pasties, if you're topless in any of the brothel cubical scenes, chop, chop."

Oh, the application of costume accessories is governed by the Union and that's right, the moisten, stick and twist method is my responsibility.

End Local Theater Club 02