You know you're a Lesbian Empress:
When you realize anytime someone messes with you, it's like Helen of Troy. There's an army of LezBro's crossing oceans to battle for your honor.
When your LezBro kicks the A$$ of some jerk-off that won't leave you alone, you starting singing, "Hey now, hey now. My LezBro's back!" You sing this unfazed in the middle of the fight.
You wakeup every morning singing, "The boys are back in town!" to which the first thing you do is smoke a cigarette, grab a drink and call the boys to plan the evening.
You keep wanting to do paintball, but you can't because you know the moment you do, the boys will build a human safety vest. And if you're so much as barely dribbled on by one drop of shrapnel paint splatter, the battleground will morph into gorilla warfare with elbows, gun-butting, and underground tunnels.
When a guy tries to hit on you at a bar, he has to walk through twenty men to do it first. By the time he gets as far as two sentences into conversation with you, he's been converted faster than the Borg in Stark Trek.
You hop on stage at Karaoke, and the next thing you know, you're Joan Jett and the Black Hearts, and the MC is killing the solo with his blowup electric guitar.
You like to think of yourself as Mary Weis of the Shangri-Las, but really you're the lead singer of the Ramones.
You realize there are more men in your life than Joni Mitchell has suitors.
You can name only one woman you've hung-out with in the last week, but you could build three footballs teams.
The last time you went to a retail store, you were looking at hand-made leather suspenders, thinking how awesome you'd look with your pipe maker buddies at the local smoke den.
You identify the quality of clothes, by remembering the texture of your buddies' suits, fedora's and ties.
You have trouble sexting what you want to do to a girl, and you're panicked you won't reply fast enough, so your buddies rip a good 200 verbs off Urban Dictionary, and pre-plan all the various scenarios for how you should Top her.
You want to send nudes to a girl, but you're not sure what positions you should reply with, so your buddies reminisce their stories of the best nudes they ever received. The one with the most votes is the one you windup doing.
You know more about barber razors, hunting knives and multi-tools than a girl knows about cutlery.