6th Century A.D.
Legend tells of the great Queen Arthuria who pulled, tugged, and yanked the great wizard Merlin's long sword out of his rocks proclaiming her as the first female monarch of England. Uniting all the neighboring borders into one huge kingdom, which she aptly named Cameltoe, Arthuria created the historical Knights of the Oblong Table. She originally requested it to be round but it was on back order from Spain. One such famed knight of the organization was the gallant Madame Lanceolina who bravely slew the monstrous Kentucky Fried Chicken of Colonel Sanders saving the town of Hollyweird so it could forever be immortalized by doctored photos, both on the internet and tabloid magazines. This is her story...
Madame Lanceolina read the letter that came from a damsel of distress pleading to be rescued from high atop her tower in the kingdom of Band-Aid. Apparently, the damsel's mother Queen Leodicraprio was forcing her into an arranged marriage with the lecherous villain Baron Tiger Woods who wanted to add her to harem of concubines. The poor princess required assistance from a brave knight to save her from her predicament.
It had been a long time since Lanceolina rescued a fair maiden. Usually her comrades, the male Knights of the Oblong Table, got all the glory for saving innocent ladies and got rewarded with a peek of what lies beneath their chastity belts. It was a typical guy thing around Cameltoe. The man saves the virtuous maiden. The maiden is grateful. She rewards her rescuer by agreeing to do the horizontal mambo with him.
Lanceolina was just not into that. Well, she did experiment with women back in knight school but found it wasn't her thing. As for the Knights of the Oblong Table, the organization had been a male dominated profession reeking of testosterone, male chauvinism and dirty socks. How was a girl supposed to compete with that?
Queen Arthuria did not help matters either. With the exception of Lanceolina, she slept with nearly every male knight in her court. What can I say? The monarch suffered from sexual addiction. Instead of seeking out help for her problem, she made frequent visits to the free clinic to the point that her vagina had its own zip code.
What was a female knight to do under these circumstances? Simple. Prove to everyone that a woman is capable of doing the same thing a man can do and she would do it by rescuing Lady Guinevar.
Racing across the forest on her trusty steed, she finally found Castle Band-Aid. After parking her horse in the handicapped section, she ran across the courtyard to storm the castle. Surprisingly no guards were in sight while she snuck up the stairs where Lady Lanceolina was being imprisoned. Unlocking the wooden door of her room, Lanceolina called out for the troubled maiden.
"Lady Guinevar!" shouted Lanceolina. "It is I! Knight errant for Queen Arthuria! The Knight of the Oblong Table! Lanceolina!"
A high pitch sound came from behind a changing screen. "Oh brave knight! You came to rescue me from my infernal prison. My hero!" The maiden rushed out from behind the screen to reveal herself as Lanceolina's eyes adjusted to the sight.
Lady Guinevar wore a blonde wig, heavy make-up, and low cut white dress. Despite embodying the image of an innocent maiden, the person stepping in front of her had broad shoulders, a hairy chest, a five o'clock shadow, and furry legs. In addition, there was no concealing the huge sword tucked between the legs that laid exposed through the sheer fabric.
"What is it courageous knight? Has my vision of loveliness enraptured you?"
"You're a dude!" exclaimed Lanceolina.
"Well you're no prize catch either buddy," Lady Guinevar's voice suddenly changed from a soprano to a deep alto. "You're one to talk. You're not fooling anyone with those huge melons on your chest beneath that chainmail!"
Sadly Lady...er Lord Guinevar's words hit right to the point. Sure, Lanceolina cut her hair short to resemble a male knight but she could not conceal her ample assets in the cleavage department of her uniform. No wonder the other male knights kept staring at her enormous knockers when they talked to her. She silent cursed her mother, a tavern wench, for genetically gifting her with massive mammaries.
"Well don't just stand there brave knight, you're here to rescue me!" Guinevar pointed out. "Let's hit the road Jack before my mother Queen Leodicraprio catches us!"
Before she could protest, Lanceolina stopped short as a group of guards rushed into the room with Queen Leodicraprio in tow. "Not so fast son! Madame Lanceolina, I'm so glad you're here to rescue my son...er daughter Guinevar."
Lanceolina drew her sword. "If it is battle you wish for, I warn you I'm a skilled swordswoman."
"Chill out okay!" Queen Leodicraprio clucked. "Look if you must know. I made up the whole story about marrying Guinevar off to the villainous Lord Tiger Woods. He has enough sluts to deal with along with a couple paternity suits. My true intentions were to drag you here so you can rescue Guinevar and then make him...er her as your bride...or groom!"
"What? I am to be used as chattel in an arrange marriage to this...this knight?" gasped Guinevar. "Mother you can't!"
"Oh hush Guinevar," ordered Queen Leodicraprio. "It's time that you marry as my heir to the kingdom of Band-Aid and take over the reigns of rulership." She sighed as she continued. "Perhaps, it is my fault. I coddled you too much as child because I wanted to have a little girl so I dressed you up in frilly frocks and hair ribbons. Maybe that influenced your penchant for cross dressing? I don't know but I loved you enough to accept you as you are. Personally having a gay son would have been the icing on the cake but no you had to be straight..."
