A mad screenwriter changes the standards of Xmas Movies.
TAGS: parody, porn movies, hallmark, carols, Christmastime, co-workers, pegging.
*** A contribution to the WINTER HOLIDAY 2022 Contest. Remember to vote, not only this tale but the one you liked best.
Disclaimer: I always ADORED the Hallmark Movies. When I was in a hospital bed, they kept me company, serene and predictable as nothing more. However, they are perfect for recovering energy, in the time between a fuck with your partner, and a masturbatory session.
Any constructive comments will be welcome.
English is not my mother tongue, forgive mistakes. Be happy: Merry Xmas everyone!***
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Introduction.
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The storyboards meeting was in the middle of July, as always.
The Chief of the scriptwriters' crew, Albert Hitched, arrived late (as always), adjusted the crooked knot in his necktie, and made a speech.
"Welcome back everyone, I hope the Fourth of July fireworks let you all get enough rest because we are late with the Christmas movies.
Today it is my welcome duty to introduce our new recruit...I am thrilled to introduce to you Mad...oops, I mean...Maddie! A welcome round of applause, please..."
Few boring claps. The silent but evident thoughts in the gazes seemed to be taken from the comic strip «Dilbert». The usual daughter of some VIP parachuted into the midst of honest workers: the classic cocky and useless fellow, arrived in paradise without making a proper apprenticeship, without experience, and without the slightest skill. I bet within five minutes she's asking us if we're really going to film actors in the real snow... rookie.
A shy girl with huge glasses and long hair pulled back into a ponytail waved her hand nervously. "Hello everyone, my name is Magdalene but everyone calls me «Mad Maddie» because they say I'm a little bit out of the ordinary. Although I do everything I can, to be normal.
I have shared in the storyboard folder a script of mine, I hope you like it, if any of you would like to write constructive criticism we could refine it and get success.
I have simply gathered the main tropes and clichés of classic Christmas movies, in the belief that the basic crux is FAMILY, and consequently, the way to conceive CHILDREN (or avoid conceiving). And showing home audiences the many ways that two or more people can love each other. «There are three ways that love can grow // That's good, bad, or mediocre», as a musical of the last century put it. [she smirked].
Also because viewers at home are bored and we could capture new market segments for advertising by highlighting with teasers and trailers the new PORN approach of our XM: XMAS MOVIES!"
Frost in the room.
"Uh! I didn't think it would snow in July!"
Maddie's elaborate script notes follow from here on.
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Chapter 1: the usual ingredients of Christmas Movies: recipe "total Vanilla"
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Here is a list of the main tropes or clichés that recur most often in Christmas Movies.
No sex: NEVER sex. Maybe but only in rare cases a closed-lipped kiss at the end of the movie.
Straight couples only. Perhaps (rare) a couple of extras might be lesbians but without the subject being explicitly stated. Likely a single gay man, but without a "husband" (and therefore, seemingly harmless in the eyes of the housewives watching tv on the couch), in the dual role of "sartorial consultant" and "Damsel in Distress confessor."
Large families with dozens of cousins, in the older generations, but reduced to only children in the present.
Dialectic «Big City without Soul vs. Small Village full of Love». In the City, no one wants to celebrate and indeed the rare parties are perceived as cold and hypocritical (company party, failed school play, etc.), whereas in the Village everyone is heartwarming and friendly and devotes their time and money only to make others happy. The town is as gray as boredom, the village is all lit up, and everywhere shines the glittering colors red, white and dark green: the colors of Christmas tradition, also present in the clothes of ALL the characters and the movie poster.
Everyone is dressed in heavy hand-woven wool sweaters with crude and ridiculous designs of reindeer, sleighs, and snowflakes.
She, the main character, must be beautiful and slender, probably blond, with long hair very well groomed as befits an unmarried young woman (short hair is for married women). Often she has gone through long schooling with Ph. D., master's degrees, and other useless specializations. Graduated, or not, she WORKS: she has always prioritized career and not love (and even if she is not explicitly a virgin, she does not have a steady boyfriend today anyway). She almost always has a ridiculously Christmassy name, such as Joy Lane, Sugar, Grace, or Noelle. She often arrives late because of anxiety or neurosis.
He, the protagonist, is always a tall, strong handsome man, and in his first scene, he is filmed "fixing something", like Fix-it Felix or Handy Manny: because the dream of all desperate housewives on the couch is a male fixing broken objects while they sip a glass of red wine in front of the TV.
The man must be a bachelor, which is absurd because he is handsome and (it turns out later) also rich. But he often has offspring (usually a daughter). To avoid tedious and annoying diatribes with the ex-wife, we will say he is a Widower... but how many widowers are there in North America? This is absurd.
And even the bachelor often has ridiculous names: dozens of Nicholas (an enigmatic reference to Old Nick), Rudolph (mixing Valentine and a Reindeer), or biblical names like Peter or Abraham.
The beginning of the plot is always the same, as in V.Propp's Morphology of the Fairy Tale (1909).
She has to go to a small village (either to meet relatives, or to destroy the village by order of an architect of shopping centers, or to look for an object), she is supposed to return to the Town in time for Christmas but an unforeseen event makes that impossible, so (against her will) she stays in the Village and discovers three things:
a) that people are Good
b) that True Love exists
c) that in the small village (against all odds, both demographic and statistical) she finds the Right Man and they fall in love at First Sight.
The development is always the same: the two meet by chance, often at the place of the transport accident. It is the old trick of "I'm sorry, Miss, your vehicle (car/train/plane/helicopter/sled) is broken today and no one can repair it before December 27, Miss..."
In most cases, the two knew each other as kids but did not realize they were soul mates. Or, she had never seen him before, which is odd in a small town of a hundred people all cousins to each other than even in Alabama.
Fixed characters.
She goes to sleep at her Grandparents' house, who take the opportunity to fantasize about how good things were 50 or 80 years ago: crazy as if anyone really could think of living without cable TV. The Grandparents seem to have completely forgotten what sex is. At any hour of the day or night, they bake COOKIES and have never thrown away toys or books owned by the child decades ago (obsessive maniacs? or Serial Accumulators?).
On the way, she meets an old, elderly man, who in turn bears a strange and enigmatic name, e.g. Sam T. Claus (look him up on the Internet, they even dedicated a song and sketch to him). He is loved but also feared by all children, respected but also ostracized by adults, and has the strange and perverse habit of asking everyone for the most secret wishes. He also always disappears on Christmas Eve, and he raises reindeer even if the story is set in Florida or Hawaii.
There is often a Doctor in the village (sometimes it is the Bachelor himself), and he is almost always seen saving children. For some reason, the doctor always specializes in pediatrics.
Almost always there is a Mayor. Usually, the Mayor is a desperate person (man or woman) who would not be able to set up the party without the help of the Girl Protagonist with her experiences of urban, civilized life.
A regular role is that of the baker. In these films, everyone bakes hundreds of cookies, at home: yet despite all that production in each house, there is a bakery where everyone constantly goes to buy sweets.
In the Toy Store, there will be volunteers to wrap presents in large cubic boxes, and an extra playing Santa Claus along with a fat wise Momma Claus and a silly bigmouth Elf girl dressed in green. There will also be a Reindeer, or a huge Dog playing the Reindeer. Then again, the animals all act like Dogs, except the Cats.
Other permanent stores are: the café for breakfast and chatting with villagers; the only hotel in the village where the final dance will be staged; the only restaurant in the village that will cater to everyone; a pharmacy (where you can find everything except condoms); a school for orphaned children; a small church with a small pastor; a hot chocolate stand with cinnamon next to the skating rink; a clearing for buying the Christmas Tree (strange, because we are in the middle of the forests, yet instead of going to the woods, everyone prefers to buy in the clearing next to City Hall).
Anywhere, anytime, you can hear Christmas songs: it is very convenient because most of them have no copyright and you can play them without burdening your low budget. Another trick is to have the characters sing an unlikely cover of recent songs, from "Last Christmas" to "All I want...".
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Chapter 2: The same ingredients as the traditional recipe, but adding two teaspoons of shameless SEX.
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Here is the same recipe but the addition of two teaspoons of pure Sex, Mad Maddie brand.
Everyone has sex. Everyone is over 18 and everyone has shameless sex. All the time. Everywhere.
Scrap the "Straight couples only." No straight couples. If there is a heterosexual character, we want him involved in at the very least a threesome or orgy.
There will be lesbian couples, gay couples, and trans couples, going to cover the whole LGBTQ+ arc.
