Just The Facts Please

This story is an entry in the

Literotica April Fools Story Contest 2025

.

[83% of what's in this story is totally made up,

14% is sort of made up, 3% is grave-swearing true.]

My name is Friday. I work the eastside division at the sanitation department, and the information I'm about to make public was found in a dumpster behind a ratty building on Second Street. I've been collecting garbage at this address for many years and am familiar with the website Literotica that is housed within it. I've even looked at it online a few times, but a person can be expected to take only so much, if you know what I mean. Usually their trash consists mainly of used condoms, broken and abused dildos, lots of soiled and torn underwear, rotgut whiskey bottles (they never heard of recycling, I guess). But this, what I got today, is major stuff.

I've looked at this website enough to know that several people have repeatedly requested that the mucky-mucks get off their asses and do some research to help answer the many questions that crop up on the forums like weeds in an abandoned field. Since the people in charge are in a perpetual drunken state and unable to even turn their computers on anymore (I know this for a fact), an independent research company has finally been employed to "delve into the juicy ravishing depths" of the site and "explore the salacious wonders buried within." To illustrate how thorough and competent this company is, they can reliably attest that the phrases in quotes in the preceding sentence appeared in 27 stories on the site exactly as written here, though in a different context, and should probably be avoided in the future.

That's what they say, along with lots of other things, it's right here in what I'm holding in my hand. Why this report I'm holding was put in that dumpster, I have no clue. I'm just going to tell you what I found, and you can put 2 and 2 together and see what you come up with.

This company that was hired, known as Facts U Can Kinda Use (F.U.C.K.U.) made a comprehensive statistical analysis of several aspects of the website with regard to story content as well as an exhaustive examination of features such as comments, voting, views, how many times a story was submitted too cum-stained to be legible (152) (Impossible you say in the digital age -- where there's no will power there's a way, trust me.), how many times a story was sent back because it was written in Algonquin (3), Kalmuck (5), or Tanguahani (3, though it should have been 4, except one was so filthy looking they published it anyway; who knew their word "fuck" was the equivalent of the English article "the," and that "fucky-fucky" meant "a"?).

Early in February of this year, apparently, officials were gathered and papers signed, and for the next three weeks every story and all the data pertaining to them on Literotica were made available to F.U.C.K.U. With a fine-toothed comb they raked through every story, from the lice-infested to the beautifully coiffed, gathering information. It says here a grand total of 638,275 stories were analyzed, all published up to and including January 31, 2025.

This is their final report, all of their analyses, number crunches, and tallies. Again, how it ended up in the dumpster, I don't know. I'll just throw it out there as I found it.

First up has to do with story content, mainly location! location! -- where authors chose to set the action of their stories, primarily the sex scenes. Here's what they found:

76% of all the sex scenes, perhaps not surprisingly, occurred in the bedroom, which included hotel rooms, though only 61% of these actually took place on a bed; the rest being on the floor (15%), in a closet (11%), in a chair or loveseat (6%), on the dresser (4%), inside a cedar chest (2%), hanging outside the window (1%).

Taken separately, hotel rooms figured in 46% of these stories with quite a bit of overlapping. In 71,074 stories someone arranged for a hotel room ahead of time with someone they were having or hoped to be having an affair with. In 62,357 stories this decision was made spur of the moment, usually in the hotel's restaurant or bar, but also including while driving in a taxi (11,459), during a movie at the cineplex (1217), at the Super Bowl (75), after bumping into someone in the street (49), while standing next to each other at a urinal (30), while running in the Boston Marathon (4). In 5552 stories sex happened somewhere in the hotel other than the room: pool area (2156 stories), elevator (988), lobby (182), hotel kitchen (164), stairway (98), gift shop (55), manager's office (46), exercise room (30), laundry chute (6). In 1593 stories someone was walking outside their room naked at some point during the night, usually to join an orgy taking place in a nearby room (1276 stories) or just to get some ice or Twizzlers from the vending machine (223). Maids had sex with hotel guests in 2198 stories; in 419 of them the maids pretty much ran the hotels, turning them into virtual sex clubs, charging guests by the hour if at all, and providing very special, even unique, services; 94% of these stories had scores of 4.90 or higher with lots of favorites.

8% of sex scenes from all stories transpired at a beach or a pool. 95% of the time a bathing suit was suddenly completely removed, 82% of the time sunscreen was applied to a part of the body belonging to someone else that would normally be covered anyway. In 7 stories someone drowned in the ocean right after having sex, 2 under suspicious circumstances, and in 3 others a shark attack occurred (1 fatal). 97% of all beaches were nude beaches at which sex was always encouraged; researchers looked long and hard to find out where these beaches were, to no avail.

In 73 stories taking place poolside at a hotel or resort, a violent altercation was described between guests over reserving lounge chairs; only twice did this hamper people from engaging in sex almost immediately afterwards on same said lounges, often between the same people who were fighting with each other. One of the highest scoring pool stories (4.86) involved the entire staff at a hotel engaging in an orgy in broad daylight at the pool in front of all the guests without receiving a single "what the fuck?" from anybody -- all the guests, it turned out, were blind, a fact kept cleverly hidden by the writer until the end. (I remember that story and gave it 5 stars myself.)

5% of sexual encounters happened in other outdoor locales: at sea or lakes (33%), parks/woods (21%), campgrounds (15%), farms (15%), playgrounds (8%), fishing piers (3%), landfills (1%), caves (1%), coal mines (1%), abandoned missile silos (1%). Of the 1568 stories that took place on a boat, in exactly none of them did the women not appear topless at some point.

Sex in 96% of camping stories played out in tents, the rest in front of an open fire or on a picnic table. In 83 stories a couple was engaged in sex outdoors when it started raining cats and dogs and "wasn't that fucking hot!" (marginalia inserted by one of the examiners). 77 stories contained scenes of people engaged in sex in the wild being attacked (though disturbed might be a better word) by animals (11 moose, 9 deer, 6 black bear, 4 skunks, 3 chipmunks, the rest unidentified, although in 23 of these stories characters insisted it was most likely Big Foot, the Jersey Devil, or some version of Cropsey, an escapee from a local insane asylum.

In 2% of all the stories sex took place in the kitchen. In 101 stories the kitchen sink was either overflowing or a pipe had burst underneath it causing a flood in which a certified plumber and a naked woman tried to "deal with it." The kitchen table was almost always the center of action (94% of these stories) and where it was, a naked or semi-naked woman was often (79% of the time) bent over forward on it getting nailed from behind. In one of the most commented on (82 comments) and unfortunate kitchen stories, a naked woman was lifted onto an electric stove hoping to have the daylights fucked out of her only to learn she had forgotten to turn off all the burners and the poor guy plopped her ass right on one of the lit ones causing a nasty burn. A raging debate ensued in the comments on who was to blame; 60% blamed the man, 35% the woman, and 5%, all women, wondered why you can't get a plumber when you need one.

Another 2% of stories occurred in a car or on public transportation. If the police were able to stop and ticket all drivers who were getting blowjobs while barreling down the road, $17,534,893.05 in additional revenue would pour into state coffers on average every year. There appears to be something found in car interiors, perhaps the smell of faux leather seats, that compels women to want to take their clothes off: in 68% of car stories a woman was removing her clothes within five minutes of getting in the vehicle, 12% of these even though it was the dead of winter.

In 92 stories a sex act was being performed on a part of the car other than the interior: on the hood or bonnet (54 stories), on the roof (27), in the trunk or boot (11, including one story in which 2 fatalities resulted when a couple were being transported to a metal crushing facility by mobsters and they decided the best way to declare their undying love for each other was to do it one last time despite the cramped space, no holds barred. The story was well-liked [4.78], but comments got heated over whether the story should have gone in under Erotic Couplings rather than Romance. Also, while draped over a 389 cubic inch 1966 Pontiac V8 engine at a car show resulting in "3 beautiful orgasms, pop, pop, pop, one after the other" (1).

Motorcycles graced the scene in 1274 stories, though sex took place actually on them in just 55, and in all but 4 of these while the bike was stationary. In one highly regarded story (4.91), a guy performed sex with a woman from behind while she operated the bike, and even though they never went faster than 25 mph, they still crashed into a ditch. The score was so high probably because they both came before crashing and then came again in the ditch. That second sex scene was counted as occurring while the bike was stationary, though the front wheel was still spinning.

105 stories depicted sex in an ambulance after an accident or emergency, 89 of these involving all the occupants of the ambulance except the driver in a wild orgy on the way to the hospital. In one story an EMT had difficulty coming and told the driver to slow down a little until a nurse was finally able to suck him off, but the delay proved fatal for the patient; this surprised the crew greatly since the patient had come twice with no difficulty. This story was red-flagged by examiners for further investigation.

Of all the means of public transportation, the airplane is now by far THE place to engage in hot sex, at least in Lit stories. In 265 stories sex happened at the airport long before anyone got near an airplane; who knew there were so many hideouts and ways to engage in sex at an airport? In 57 stories people had sex while standing in a security line; in 5 stories a security officer was getting a blowjob as he ordered passengers to put their belongings through the scanner. 13 stories included scenes where people were having sex on the luggage carousel, granted in the middle of the night when things were quiet. 4588 stories made reference to the Mile High Club. If all the stewardesses who engaged in sex with passengers lived together, they would require at least 3 Las Vegas luxury hotels to house them all, according to the data compiled in this report.

Railroads have lost their luster and are rarely found in Lit stories, the most common being subways (208 stories). Gone are the days when passengers fucked each other silly while riding the Broadway Limited between Chicago and New York or the Floridian to Miami Beach or the Georgian from St Louis to Atlanta; only 22 stories mentioned any of these deluxe modes of transportation, the clackety-clack of the steel wheels magically coinciding with the rhythm of your thrusts into her sopping pussy until... (Whoa! Sorry about that! My grandfather worked for the railroads, and some of the stories he told, sheesh! Back to the report...)

The remainder of the sex scenes (7%) fell into myriad locales, from inside an old Kelvinator refrigerator in the basement of a rustic cabin (3 stories, actually they were all part of a single series) to distant galaxies (8463). Nightclubs, restaurants, bars, and dives figured prominently (48%), but often merely as opening backdrops, somewhere the female characters could show off their micro mini dresses and the fact they had no underwear on. In 114 stories sex occurred in the restrooms of one of these establishments, while in 286 others some sort of hanky-panky took place beneath the tables -- in 155 of these in plain view of other patrons, who never once complained to management.

Shopping malls were also popular (35%), with most sex happening in fitting rooms in clothing or department stores (541 stories); in 498 of these a salesperson (always a female except in 7 stories) participated in sex with the customer(s). Other popular spots in the mall for sex included the restrooms (377 stories), benches "conveniently located away from most things" (289), in a "hidden nook near the exit" (177), in the bedding section of the major department store anchoring the mall (60), in front of where the philosophy or poetry books were shelved in the bookstore (18), smack in the center of the mall, "fuck it all, we don't give a shit!" (6); these last stories unfortunately ended too abruptly to find out if there were any consequences for such cavalier behavior, probably not.

That was about it for that section of the report. Then they got into several other concerns, including:

Names

Writers on Lit are still a traditional lot when it comes to naming characters: Mary was the most commonly used female name (12,469 characters had this name), John for males (13,852). Yo-fuckface was used 6 times, twice without the hyphen, and once gracing a marriage certificate cosigned by, yep, Mary. Rtyjkop;/ appeared in one story, but it was assumed this writer merely fell asleep at the keyboard and those were the keys their fingers landed on. Sue, Dave, Julie, Carley were often resorted to, but not so much Clementine (12 stories), DipsyDarlin (7), HoochieCoochieMan (3), or Sackbutt (1).

Comments

Uh oh, bad news. I quote: "It came to our attention at the beginning of this endeavor that questions about comments were paramount among authors on the site. Foremost was the question, 'Why don't readers comment more?' This was immediately followed by the next question, 'Why do readers comment so much, especially when they say such stupid things, goddam them!' We literally worked our fingers to the bone trying to answer these questions, but despite all our efforts were unable to do so. We, however, perhaps it's just in our nature as researchers, found that the more stories we read and analyzed, the more we felt an urge to make comments on them ourselves. By the time we were done some of us had made hundreds of comments, funny little things like, 'Seriously? You gotta be kidding,' and 'Did you steal this story from the Dick and Jane kiddie books and just sex it up?' you know, stuff to cheer those authors up and make them laugh. Just us being ironical. We hope they liked them as much as we liked writing them. It really helped us deal with the boredom."

This is somewhat subjective, but it was agreed amongst all the researchers that the most positive comment ever written was: "I knew after just the first word that this would be the best story I ever read in my entire life." (Note: the first word of the story was "The.")

Most negative comment: "My daughter's pet hamster could write better stories than this piece of shit. Do the world a favor and PLEASE destroy your computer immediately and never go near one again. In fact, shoot yourself right now."

Views and Votes

This information is a little problematic and might be why this report ended up in the dumpster. Once F.U.C.K.U. examiners were able to get their teeth firmly into the bowels of Literotica, they discovered a calculating error of great concern. It seems that on April 1, 2017, some wisenheimer thought she'd pull a nice little clever April Fools joke on everyone and diddle with the views and voting mechanisms. All stories when they are approved for publication, it says here, are assigned a PIN number and when views or votes are cast for a particular story, they're tallied by means of the PIN. Well, this person decided to arrange things so a vote for story number 216553, for example, would now go toward story 216554 or maybe even some other story; this switching would affect every story. It was supposed to last only the one day, at the end of which this person would divulge the joke and enjoy her little chuckle, but this smart aleck forgot to change things back to normal and it wasn't until July 15, 2024 that the mistake was discovered. The report suggested, "If anyone wondered why that 1k BDSM fairy tale involving an ant and a grasshopper that had 8 spelling mistakes in the first paragraph got 41,327 views, a score of 4.93, and 276 favorites, this might explain why." It then went on optimistically, "But who knows -- maybe it just struck a chord with everyone and they loved it!"

There's a long section next dealing with more content, this time regarding specific sex acts, but the tags, 326,917 of them, seem to cover these pretty well and are easily accessed. Then there's a brief section containing more statistics of a general nature gleaned from Lit stories, sort of a "Believe it or Not" presentation:

Based on the descriptions given in stories, if all the cocks when erect were placed end to end, they would stretch from NYC to just short of Albuquerque, N. Mex. When flaccid they would barely make it to Harrisburg.

All the semen ejaculated would fill 7 Olympic sized swimming pools. The rivers of cum coursing down the thighs of women after intercourse would be enough to flood three city blocks curb to curb.

Squirting is a relatively new phenomenon in Lit stories, but the power and amount of all the squirts generated there would easily knock a two-storey frame house off its foundation or sweep a row of cars across a highway as if in a tsunami, granted a minor one.

The average size of tits on Lit is somewhere between FF and HH, maybe even K. Aliens from other galaxies finding these stories long after we're gone will conclude earthling females must have had backbones made of titanium to support such massive jugs.

The volume of screams achieved during female orgasms when combined would shatter the eardrums of everyone within half a mile.

Well, there you have it. There's a smattering of other stuff about favorites and boookmarking, but nothing shirtfront grabbing. But here's the kicker, the reason I'm sticking my neck out spilling the beans here. Sure, I want to do the decent thing and make known to the world important information that for some reason got chucked in a dumpster. But it's more than that.

Some of this report seems to be missing, as if someone tore it out before trashing the part I'm holding. There is a brief mention in a sort of Table of Contents that a subsection of the report concerned itself with revenue, hinting how the owners were devising ways to make a killing from the site. Almost all of that subsection is missing, and looks to be the one part of the study that didn't end up in the dumpster. A F.U.C.K.U. sticky note attached to a back page, perhaps by accident, strongly suggests the owners charge writers a fee to keep their stories posted, $5 per page is recommended, but it's all very vague. There is an issue date of 4/1/25 stamped on the cover page, which looks like when the report was to be released to the public before it was discarded. Maybe that's when everything would have been explained. Perhaps only a fool would suspect the site would stoop to such low tactics this late in the game; as for me, I'm just telling what my eyes are seeing. I'm Friday, and these are the facts.