This story is an entry in the
Literotica April Fools Story Contest 2025
.
[83% of what's in this story is totally made up,
14% is sort of made up, 3% is grave-swearing true.]
My name is Friday. I work the eastside division at the sanitation department, and the information I'm about to make public was found in a dumpster behind a ratty building on Second Street. I've been collecting garbage at this address for many years and am familiar with the website Literotica that is housed within it. I've even looked at it online a few times, but a person can be expected to take only so much, if you know what I mean. Usually their trash consists mainly of used condoms, broken and abused dildos, lots of soiled and torn underwear, rotgut whiskey bottles (they never heard of recycling, I guess). But this, what I got today, is major stuff.
I've looked at this website enough to know that several people have repeatedly requested that the mucky-mucks get off their asses and do some research to help answer the many questions that crop up on the forums like weeds in an abandoned field. Since the people in charge are in a perpetual drunken state and unable to even turn their computers on anymore (I know this for a fact), an independent research company has finally been employed to "delve into the juicy ravishing depths" of the site and "explore the salacious wonders buried within." To illustrate how thorough and competent this company is, they can reliably attest that the phrases in quotes in the preceding sentence appeared in 27 stories on the site exactly as written here, though in a different context, and should probably be avoided in the future.
That's what they say, along with lots of other things, it's right here in what I'm holding in my hand. Why this report I'm holding was put in that dumpster, I have no clue. I'm just going to tell you what I found, and you can put 2 and 2 together and see what you come up with.
This company that was hired, known as Facts U Can Kinda Use (F.U.C.K.U.) made a comprehensive statistical analysis of several aspects of the website with regard to story content as well as an exhaustive examination of features such as comments, voting, views, how many times a story was submitted too cum-stained to be legible (152) (Impossible you say in the digital age -- where there's no will power there's a way, trust me.), how many times a story was sent back because it was written in Algonquin (3), Kalmuck (5), or Tanguahani (3, though it should have been 4, except one was so filthy looking they published it anyway; who knew their word "fuck" was the equivalent of the English article "the," and that "fucky-fucky" meant "a"?).
Early in February of this year, apparently, officials were gathered and papers signed, and for the next three weeks every story and all the data pertaining to them on Literotica were made available to F.U.C.K.U. With a fine-toothed comb they raked through every story, from the lice-infested to the beautifully coiffed, gathering information. It says here a grand total of 638,275 stories were analyzed, all published up to and including January 31, 2025.
This is their final report, all of their analyses, number crunches, and tallies. Again, how it ended up in the dumpster, I don't know. I'll just throw it out there as I found it.
First up has to do with story content, mainly location! location! -- where authors chose to set the action of their stories, primarily the sex scenes. Here's what they found:
76% of all the sex scenes, perhaps not surprisingly, occurred in the bedroom, which included hotel rooms, though only 61% of these actually took place on a bed; the rest being on the floor (15%), in a closet (11%), in a chair or loveseat (6%), on the dresser (4%), inside a cedar chest (2%), hanging outside the window (1%).
Taken separately, hotel rooms figured in 46% of these stories with quite a bit of overlapping. In 71,074 stories someone arranged for a hotel room ahead of time with someone they were having or hoped to be having an affair with. In 62,357 stories this decision was made spur of the moment, usually in the hotel's restaurant or bar, but also including while driving in a taxi (11,459), during a movie at the cineplex (1217), at the Super Bowl (75), after bumping into someone in the street (49), while standing next to each other at a urinal (30), while running in the Boston Marathon (4). In 5552 stories sex happened somewhere in the hotel other than the room: pool area (2156 stories), elevator (988), lobby (182), hotel kitchen (164), stairway (98), gift shop (55), manager's office (46), exercise room (30), laundry chute (6). In 1593 stories someone was walking outside their room naked at some point during the night, usually to join an orgy taking place in a nearby room (1276 stories) or just to get some ice or Twizzlers from the vending machine (223). Maids had sex with hotel guests in 2198 stories; in 419 of them the maids pretty much ran the hotels, turning them into virtual sex clubs, charging guests by the hour if at all, and providing very special, even unique, services; 94% of these stories had scores of 4.90 or higher with lots of favorites.
8% of sex scenes from all stories transpired at a beach or a pool. 95% of the time a bathing suit was suddenly completely removed, 82% of the time sunscreen was applied to a part of the body belonging to someone else that would normally be covered anyway. In 7 stories someone drowned in the ocean right after having sex, 2 under suspicious circumstances, and in 3 others a shark attack occurred (1 fatal). 97% of all beaches were nude beaches at which sex was always encouraged; researchers looked long and hard to find out where these beaches were, to no avail.
In 73 stories taking place poolside at a hotel or resort, a violent altercation was described between guests over reserving lounge chairs; only twice did this hamper people from engaging in sex almost immediately afterwards on same said lounges, often between the same people who were fighting with each other. One of the highest scoring pool stories (4.86) involved the entire staff at a hotel engaging in an orgy in broad daylight at the pool in front of all the guests without receiving a single "what the fuck?" from anybody -- all the guests, it turned out, were blind, a fact kept cleverly hidden by the writer until the end. (I remember that story and gave it 5 stars myself.)
5% of sexual encounters happened in other outdoor locales: at sea or lakes (33%), parks/woods (21%), campgrounds (15%), farms (15%), playgrounds (8%), fishing piers (3%), landfills (1%), caves (1%), coal mines (1%), abandoned missile silos (1%). Of the 1568 stories that took place on a boat, in exactly none of them did the women not appear topless at some point.
Sex in 96% of camping stories played out in tents, the rest in front of an open fire or on a picnic table. In 83 stories a couple was engaged in sex outdoors when it started raining cats and dogs and "wasn't that fucking hot!" (marginalia inserted by one of the examiners). 77 stories contained scenes of people engaged in sex in the wild being attacked (though disturbed might be a better word) by animals (11 moose, 9 deer, 6 black bear, 4 skunks, 3 chipmunks, the rest unidentified, although in 23 of these stories characters insisted it was most likely Big Foot, the Jersey Devil, or some version of Cropsey, an escapee from a local insane asylum.
In 2% of all the stories sex took place in the kitchen. In 101 stories the kitchen sink was either overflowing or a pipe had burst underneath it causing a flood in which a certified plumber and a naked woman tried to "deal with it." The kitchen table was almost always the center of action (94% of these stories) and where it was, a naked or semi-naked woman was often (79% of the time) bent over forward on it getting nailed from behind. In one of the most commented on (82 comments) and unfortunate kitchen stories, a naked woman was lifted onto an electric stove hoping to have the daylights fucked out of her only to learn she had forgotten to turn off all the burners and the poor guy plopped her ass right on one of the lit ones causing a nasty burn. A raging debate ensued in the comments on who was to blame; 60% blamed the man, 35% the woman, and 5%, all women, wondered why you can't get a plumber when you need one.
Another 2% of stories occurred in a car or on public transportation. If the police were able to stop and ticket all drivers who were getting blowjobs while barreling down the road, $17,534,893.05 in additional revenue would pour into state coffers on average every year. There appears to be something found in car interiors, perhaps the smell of faux leather seats, that compels women to want to take their clothes off: in 68% of car stories a woman was removing her clothes within five minutes of getting in the vehicle, 12% of these even though it was the dead of winter.
In 92 stories a sex act was being performed on a part of the car other than the interior: on the hood or bonnet (54 stories), on the roof (27), in the trunk or boot (11, including one story in which 2 fatalities resulted when a couple were being transported to a metal crushing facility by mobsters and they decided the best way to declare their undying love for each other was to do it one last time despite the cramped space, no holds barred. The story was well-liked [4.78], but comments got heated over whether the story should have gone in under Erotic Couplings rather than Romance. Also, while draped over a 389 cubic inch 1966 Pontiac V8 engine at a car show resulting in "3 beautiful orgasms, pop, pop, pop, one after the other" (1).
Motorcycles graced the scene in 1274 stories, though sex took place actually on them in just 55, and in all but 4 of these while the bike was stationary. In one highly regarded story (4.91), a guy performed sex with a woman from behind while she operated the bike, and even though they never went faster than 25 mph, they still crashed into a ditch. The score was so high probably because they both came before crashing and then came again in the ditch. That second sex scene was counted as occurring while the bike was stationary, though the front wheel was still spinning.
