John Thomas Macdangle

John Thomas MacDangle - or just plain Mac

A man is admitted to a hospital after a fall but won't give any information, except his name is 'Mac'.

This yarn came a rather long-winded joke - read story - I was told not long after I joined the Army just after I turned 18. Somehow, it came to me while I was reading 'A Farewell to Arms - written by dtiverson.' This yarn has nothing to do with story at all, but I was reading 'A Farewell to Arms' for about the umpteenth time, when I remembered the yarn I was told all those years ago.

I decided to put pen to paper, well finger to keyboard anyway, and came up with the story again. It's a little more embellished but I'm sure you'll get the drift.

I hope you enjoy, comment and vote. Thanks to everyone. OOF690

The man aged around 50 was wheeled into Our Mercy Hospital on a gurney and parked in the admitting ward.

About 45 minutes later he was pushed into a lift, rose up two floors, along a passage, turned right into another passage and then finally into a 2-bed ward. He noted that there was no one else in the room at the time.

The gurney was manoeuvred against the bed into which he was being consigned and the two porters, or Hospital Attendants, as they were now known in this politically correct bullshit world, moved the man onto the bed.

Would you undress please and put on the gown, ties to the back, and I'll help you when you've done that. The man looked at her, and grunted back, "If I must."

The nurse, who seemed to be fresh out of Nursing School replied, "Yes, please, everything off, and I'll put your clothes, shoes, and other things in the locker for you. I'll be back in a minute."

When the nurse returned, she tied the gown, made sure that he was covered with a blanket, and looked at least, even he wasn't, comfortable.

"I'll be right back so we can fill out the admission forms and medical sheets," and she disappeared away through the door.

A few minutes later, the nurse returned, pulled up a chair next to the bed and spoke, "Well, we'll start shall we?"

"Name?"

"Mac," he said.

"Mac, is that your first or last name?"

"Nope, just Mac."

"Yes, but you must have other names. You can't go through life just known as Mac, can you?"

"I can, and I am. Mac is my name, just Mac."

"Oh dear. Are you sure, I mean that's strange, only having one name." The nurse had a brain wave, "Umm, where's your wallet? Is there a driver's licence, or something like that I can the information from?"

"No, no wallet. No cards, money, nothing."

"Well, how am I going to put your name down, and your address as well," adding the last as some sort of afterthought.

"Look, girlie, I have already said my name is 'Mac'. That's all you need to know and that's all I'm telling you, so put that on the form, go away and do whatever it is you need to do, and leave me in peace will you?"

"I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. I'll ask the sister, perhaps she will talk to you, and we can get the forms filled out."

"Yeah, you go and ask the sister, but she won't get any more out of me, than you have, so good luck with that."

A few minutes later, the sister entered the room and asked, "Is there a problem, Mr...aahh Mac?"

"No, no problem, this nurse wants my name, I've told her. No problem."

"But he only told me his name is 'Mac'," she muttered.

"What, speak up, nurse. What did you just say?"

"He...he told me his name is Mac. He won't tell me anything else. How can I fill in the sheets if that's all he'll tell me."

"I see, alright Nurse. You can leave for now, go and check Mrs Rowehichten in Room 6. I'll come and see you at the nurse station in a little while."

"Yes, sister," and she turned and left, glancing at 'Mac' with a sad expression as she did so.

"Right,...aahh Mr Mac, we'll start, shall we?" as she sat in the chair recently vacated by the nurse.

"Name?"

"Mac."

"Is that your first or last name?"

"Neither, my name is 'Mac', that's it, Mac."

"Look, you don't..."

"Will you get it through your pretty little head that my name is Mac. I do NOT wish to tell you anything more, understood."

"Mr Mac then, do you know why you were admitted?"

"Apparently, I tripped and fell down some steps or stairs in the city. Some bloody good Samaritan decided that I was unwell, and should be here, so he or she called an ambulance."

"Mm, yes, that's what we were told by the ambulance crew. So anyway, can I have your full name and date of birth please?"

"Gawd, what have I been telling you. My name is Mac."

"So, you really aren't going to tell me anything else?"

"No."

"I suppose I'll just have to talk to the Nursing Manager, then."

"Is that what they are called now, nursing manager?"

"Well, they used to be called Matron, but as the management thing changed and became more of a bureaucratic job instead of a hands-on in the ward, sort of thing, the title was changed. We have a 'Sister-in-Charge' now, -which is my job, and then the nursing manager. I report to her. So, I will now explain to her your situation, and she will, I guess, tell me what we'll have to do with you."

About half an hour later, a very attractive woman of around 45 came into the room and sat down.

"I understand you won't tell my staff your name, DOB, address and so Mr..." she gazed at the paper in her hand, "Mr Mac I believe."

The man observed her countenance, the fact that she had nor rings on her left hand, and she was altogether a very well put together package of feminine pulchritude. She had a badge that showed her name as Marcia.

"Right, Mr Mac, what's the issue here? Why won't you give my nurse the info we need?"

"I knew a Marcia once, back when I was a young...aah, man. Can I call you Marcia?"

"Yes, I suppose so, if you must?"

"Well, it's a bit friendlier than 'hey you' or nurse manager, or whatever your title is now."

"Yes. Alright, call me Marcia. Now are you going to tell me why your name is 'Mac', and will it take terribly long? I do have other work to do."

"Yes, I suppose you do, it may take a while because it's a long story, how much time have you got?"

"How long's a piece of string, Mr Mac? I've got all day if that's how long it'll be before you tell me what I need to know. I guess my other work can wait."

"Ok, don't interrupt, just let me tell you my story, ok?"

"Yes okay then."

"I was a pretty good student, you know, at high school. Got a good Leaving Certificate and went to UWA and got my MBBS..."

"You're a doctor?"

"You're getting ahead of yourself, Marcia, and you're interrupting..."

"Yes, yes, I'm sorry. A doctor..."

"Anyway, the idiots in Canberra decided we had to play silly buggers and meddle in other people's business, and asked for doctors and nurses to volunteer in the Army Reserve they call it now, but anyhow, the Medical Corps. Anyway, I joined up and was made a Captain. So, I was Captain John Thomas MacDangle, MD MBBS."

The man looked out the window, sighed, and continued, "There was a team of us, we'd sort of follow the grunts..."

"Grunts, what are they?"

"The infantry, front line soldiers, mobile targets we called them. Always getting shot at, sometimes hit, some killed, some injured...But they kept coming and were being told some part of the godforsaken place that we were in they had to patrol, so we'd follow, at a respectable distance of course. Close enough to get to them if we could repair them quick enough or patch them up and let them die as pain free as we could. Anyway, a bunch of the rabid fanatics that we thought we were supposed to be helping by teaching them how to be medics, decided that it was a much better option to attack the base hospital. Somehow I found a machine gun of some sort and shot six of the bastards and wounded a few others, the rest pissed off, and it seems I saved the hospital. That's what I what I was told anyway, it seems I got my head nearly shot off but was only grazed by that bullet, but another one got me in the leg. So, I was a patient in the bloody hospital I was working in. Anyway, the troops fixed me up, and a report was sent to HQ, I got promoted to Major, and also awarded the VC for some damn reason. Anyway, I was then Major John Thomas MacDangle MD MBBS VC."

The man paused and took up the glass of water on the side cabinet and sipped some of the contents. Marcia filled the cup from the jug alongside and had a drink from the spare cup on the small table next to the cabinet.

"Life continued for another 2 years, and then I got told my stint was nearly over. I would be leaving here in another month. There were three of us going home, so to celebrate a group of officers and nurses went into the main town on our second last weekend, where we could relax and be happy away from the hospital. We got stuck into the turps..."

"Turps??"

"Booze, the bloody rotgut that was served up as beer, or whisky, or whatever. Come to think of it, it could have been turps for all we knew."

"Oh right, I hadn't heard it called that before."

"Marcia..."

"Yes, sorry, please continue."

"Anyway, we celebrated a bit too much, especially with the local talent such as it was before we returned to the base. Two weeks later I was on my way back here..."

The patient took another sip of water, and thought before continuing, "I got a posting to the hospital where I did my training, until...aah, about 3 months after I arrived. I noticed I was having a lot of pain pissing, felt like a pack of knives charging down the old fella, I went to see the Urologist and he got some tests done on me. You know, the usual thing, take half a dozen vials of blood, send it off and wait for the results."

"A couple of days later I got a message to see the Urologist, and he told me I had several strains of Gonorrhoea, Syphilis, and some other quaint thing I'd never heard of, but was apparently rampant around the neck of the woods I had recently left. I was given some tablets and told to go back in two weeks. Of course, I had to be registered as a person with a STD of different types. You can imagine what that does to one's ego. Anyway, I was Major (Retired) John Thomas MacDangle MD MBBS VC VD."

Mac paused, took another sip of water, and peered out of the window at the blue sky, and the grassy area that skirted the different buildings that made up the complex.

"What happened?" queried Marcia.

"Eh!. Oh, sorry. Yeah well the bloody wankers in Canberra decided that someone with my... err, issues, shall we say, shouldn't be permitted to hold the VC, so it was taken back. So now I was Major (Ret'd) John Thomas MacDangle MD MBBS VD. Then to add insult to injury, the idiots at the AMA decided that I couldn't keep my licence to practise medicine now that I was on the Sexual Diseases Register, so that was taken off me, so then I became Major (Ret'd) John Thomas MacDangle MBBS VD. Not only that, but then the Army withdrew my commission, so I was no longer a Major (Ret'd), so now I was John Thomas MacDangle VD."

"Then, the mob at UWA found out about what was going on, so they cancelled my degree and took away my MBBS."

"So, does that mean I can list you as John Thomas MacDangle?" asked Marcia, with a look of hope in her eyes.

"Aahh, no, sorry, it doesn't. The disease I had got progressively worse over a few short weeks, and my John Thomas had to be surgically removed, along with my nuts. All I have there now is a hole connected by a tube to my bladder. I have to be a bit careful when I piss now, as it tends to spray somewhat, but I'm learning to control it."

The man took another sip of water and whispered, "Anyhow, because my John Thomas was removed, I lost my dangle, so now I'm just plain Mac."