Greeting to everyone, this is my winter contest story, and it comes with a quick warning. Most of the people in the story are based upon folks from the forums here. If you don't read the forums, you might miss some of the gags, but if you've seen the 1964 Christmas special, you can probably figure it out.
Good luck, and thanks for reading. It was fun to write. Thanks especially to those unnamed (to protect them) souls who helped me in my research.
*
"Rudy, I know that you are always eager to help everyone, but how can we work with
those
toys? If word ever leaked out that we'd been involved with them, we'd lose all of our endorsement deals. You know that we're completely aligned with the family market, and this kind of exposure would kill us. Most of our people would boycott us in a heartbeat if they ever found out!"
"But Clarice, they are so lonely! Nobody wants them, and I remember what that feels like. It's gotten so bad, that they've all been reduced to writing dirty stories in order to maintain some sort of human contact with the outside world. No one should live like that, and I'm sure that we can find owners who would love them for who they are!"
"But they are so icky!"
"Clarice, we helped Santa fly through the fog, and we helped an entire island of misfit toys find children who loved them, surely we can find a way to fix this too!"
"I don't know... how will we find homes for a bunch of misfit sex-toys without anyone finding out that we were involved?"
"Easy Clarice, now there is something that wasn't around in 1964; it's called the internet. People can sign on, and then pretend to be anyone that they please to be. Some people have dozens of identities. No one will ever know that it was us!"
"So instead of being Clarice, I could pretend that my name was Alicia or Jodie or something like that?"
"You could pretend to be an Englishman named Anthony if you'd like. It's all in text, no one would ever know that you were really a girl."
"They wouldn't see me or hear me?"
"Not unless you hooked up your web-cam, and we won't be helping those people this year. If this works out though, we might get to the cam-people next year."
"So, you are saying that we could help them, and none of our sponsors would have any idea that we'd been involved?"
"Not even the Family Research Council!"
"Okay Rudy, I guess we should do it."
Rudolph was quiet for a moment before saying, "I'll give Hermey a call and see if he'd like to help."
"But he's a dentist now; he might not be able to get away. He has all those patients to take care of."
"I thought you heard, the news was all over Santa's workshop."
"What? Did something happen to Hermey's practice?"
"Yeah, he gave up dentistry, just like he gave up toy-making. He said he needed a new challenge.
"So what is he doing now?"
"He's studying to be a gynecologist."
"You are kidding...umm, right?"
"Nope, he's been driving all of the elf girls crazy; he's looking for volunteers to study in."
"You mean 'on'."
"No....
In
, remember, he wants to be a gynecologist."
"Ah, I see."
"Evidently so does Hermey, he's been wearing this flashlight harness on his head, and he claims that it lets him see deeper inside his work. Actually, it's kind of creepy, maybe we shouldn't call him."
"Rudy, it sounds like he needs help too! Maybe we can find something for him."
"You might be right Clarice, but I guess that it depends on what sort of toys we find on the island."
Several Days later:
A conversation was taking place within the Literotica office complex. There was a sense of resignation in the air as Lauren and Manu kicked around ideas, trying to decide if policing the forum rules was having any positive outcome.
Lauren was speaking, the despondency was obvious in her voice, "I don't know, Manu, it just seems like some of our contributors almost
need
to treat one another badly. First they complain when we don't enforce the rules, and then they
really
bitch when we do. Their whining and crying is bad enough, but it's their sense of complete entitlement that really annoys me."
"Yes boss, I think you are right about that, many of them act like spoiled children most of the time. I mean, I know that it is just the internet, and that they could be absolutely anyone in real life, but you don't suppose that they actually might be middle-schoolers do you?
"No, there's no chance of that. Some of these feuds have been ongoing for ten years or longer. These people are adults, no matter how juvenilely they really act."
"So what do you think caused them to be like this? Did something happen to them when they were only children; something awful, something that retarded their development? Do you think that they were locked in a closet or something?"
"Manu, I wish that we knew what caused it. Maybe they didn't have any toys when they were children; maybe if we gave them an old fashioned Christmas celebration complete with a tree, gifts, and eggnog...maybe that would melt their icy little hearts!"
"...and cause their hearts to grow three sizes?"
"No Manu, that's the wrong Christmas Special, and Boris Karloff is dead now anyway."
Manu's brow furrowed momentarily as he seemed to be considering something. Then he blurted, "Maybe...no, never mind."
"What?" Lauren asked. "What are you pondering?"
"Well, we got this really weird email this morning. I had intended to just ignore it, but now I'm thinking that maybe it might be just what we've been looking for."
"Go ahead..."
"It came from something called Shiny Red Nose Enterprises, and at first I thought it was one of those junk-mail outfits that sell herbal Viagra, but when I took a longer look, I thought it looked like some kind of make-a-sexual-wish foundation. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but they did seem to be looking for help in finding people with really odd sexual appetites. Evidently, they have some really weird sex-toys for whom they are trying to find homes.
"You are making this up!"
"No really! They've offered to take us to meet the toys and to see what we think."
"I'm not buying it Manu, I'm calling shenanigans!"
"Okay fine, don't believe me! Slide over and let me bring their email onscreen. You can read the letter yourself!
Manu took over the keyboard and quickly opened the office email account, and Lauren began to read.
Dear Literotica providers:
We are a rescue operation for an oppressed and forgotten slice of the population. Each Christmas season, our foundation finds homes for those whom polite society rejects; yes, we represent those who are unfairly called, the misfit sex-toys. We have found an island where many of them reside; it is filled with lonely creatures whose only real want is to find a happy home where they will be put to a good sticky and energetic use.
While we were searching for homes for our charges, we found Literotica, and subsequently the General Board and the Playground there. After reading through literally thousands of posts at both forums, we think we may have found a solution to both of our problems.
You seem to be undergoing an infestation of extremely angry misogynists, seriously psychologically damaged souls who seem to be in great need of some kind of comfort. As we read their posts, we noticed that many of them mistook outright cruelty for wit. This made us think that to expose these unfortunate souls to actual human contact would be unconscionable. We believe that before they can progress to dealing with actual human beings, they would obtain some benefit from sex-toy therapy; and to be honest, we believe that we have sex-toys twisted enough for your users!
If you would be kind enough to consider a reciprocal arrangement between our two firms, we would commit to giving you a free flight and lodging (for two) at the Island of Misfit Sex-toys, where we can conduct further negotiations.
RR, President
Shiny Red Nose Enterprises
P.S. Dress warmly
"Dress warmly? I wonder what that could mean. I mean, I'm intrigued; clearly this RR guy has met a few of our posters. I can almost see BusyBody and Ms_Ann_Thrope standing here in front of us right now!"
Should I contact him then?
"Sure Manu, why not? It looks like there might be a free trip involved. Send 'em an email, and we'll see what happens; at the very worst, they'll try to sell us a time-share!"
"Yes, my Queen!"
"Stop it Manu, Halloween is over!"
That weekend:
Manu and Lauren were excited! Of course they were; everyone loves a free trip to a tropical island. Evidently, they had never seen the original special and all of its snow. In their minds, they were on their way to a tropical island, something like Fiji... who knows what was going through their minds?
Somewhat impatiently, they waited for their ride to the airport, and even though Manu was in great need of a waxing, both representatives of Literotica were dressed in their micro bikinis when there was a knock on their door. Lauren rushed to answer it, thinking "limo", but what she actually got was...
"Manu, umm...they are fucking reindeer. No, I mean it, real fucking reindeer! Come look at this! They look like some sort of animatronic thing, but, you know... reindeer!
Rudolph tilted his head, somewhat jerkily, to the side before saying to his companion, "Gee Clarithe, Lauren thure cuthes a lot!"
Clarice tilted her animatronic head to the side and responded, "Yeah, maybe you should put that clay in your ears instead of on your nose."
Dumbfounded by talking reindeers, one of them with a seeming speech impediment, the bikini-clad twosome stood open-mouthed in the doorway.
"Hi," Said Rudolph in a stuffy sounding honk and then sticking out a hoof, said, "I'm Rudy. Thith ith Clarithe."
"Take that stupid clay off your nose!" Clarice demanded. She then looked at Lauren and said, "We told you to dress warmly! Yes, the island is tropical, but you are going to freeze in-flight."
"In flight?" Manu said woodenly.
"Yeah sure!" Clarice said smiling, "Climb on!"
