I bought a new mattress today. Actually, it is our second new mattress in as many weeks. We returned the first mattress that supposedly retailed for $2,400 that we bargained down to $1,700. The mattress is nearly as firm as concrete. I liked it, my girlfriend, who has a bad back from horseback riding, didn’t. She said it was too soft.
“Okay? Whatever?”
We bought the mattress from Me Sleepy, a big mattress chain store that only sells mattresses or, as they are now referred to as, sleep systems. When did mattresses suddenly cost more than what cars used to cost? Oh, I see, when cars now cost what houses used to cost.
I figured, where better to buy a mattress than from one of Snow White’s dwarfs and not just any of the dwarfs, but from the one, aptly named, Sleepy. You’d have to be pretty dopey to buy a mattress from Dopey. Don’t you think? Although, Lazy, may have some good input on which mattress to buy, my money was with Sleepy or in this case, Me Sleepy. Anyway…
By the way, perhaps, I am politically incorrect and should refer to dwarfs as little people. To all you dwarfs, er little people out there, please accept my apology. I meant no insult. I think, though, that if I was a little person, I’d rather be referred to as a dwarf. Don’t you think? Dwarf gives me an accurate image of the person. Little people, on the other hand, sounds so insignificant, like the little woman or that little shit or that little slut, no slight intended. I’m just making an analogy.
Back to Me Sleepy’s, after already having bought and returned the first mattress, we walked in the store again. There are about 5 dozen mattresses by all the top manufacturers on display. My girlfriend immediately narrows our mattress selection by telling the salesman that, because of her bad back, she needs a very firm mattress. As matter of fact, the last mattress that she bought, before the one we just returned, was called, “The Brick”. When I heard my girlfriend say, “The Brick”, my blood ran cold and I felt bad for the salesman. I figured that she had unduly pressured him to suggest a mattress equally as hard as “The Brick”.
