If I hadn't been driving 10 miles per hour under the speed limit, I probably would not have stopped.
I was trying to conserve gas, I put my last $7.38 in the tank and I was reasonably sure it was going to take twice that to make it home, considering the van I was driving had a 5 cylinder engine.
It was supposed to be a V-8 but only 5 of them worked.
Even worse it was raining like the proverbial Cats and Dogs, and I wasn't in the mood to have to walk. Hell, I didn't even have a coat with me, it had been nearly 80 degrees, Sun shining when I left my rathole apartment.
Fucking Oregon.
My buddy Dave had borrowed $75.00 from me the week before and promised he would have it back to me on payday.
Which was today.
Asshole wasn't there, and after a solid 4 hours I realized he wasn't going to be there.
At least not when I was there, anyway. I gave up and headed back home, offering up a few choice words with Dave's name in between. Hell, I knew better than to loan him any money in the first place, but Dave had the magic ability to talk an oriental hooker into giving him credit.
Or at least take a bad check. I had it in my mind to beat the ever...living...SHIT... out of him!
Assuming I could even find him.
So I was putting along about 35, irritating the hell out of several of my fellow drivers. Fuck them, fuck them all, I thought.
Then I saw her.
Blonde, short hair, skinny as a rail and soaked to the skin. Thumb stuck out. She had on jeans and a tank top, I could tell from 100 feet away that there was no bra under there.
Probably why I stopped. Yea, I know...
"Thanks, mister!" She said as she hopped into the front passenger seat. I looked her up and down, her eyes never left mine and she showed no sign at all of being bashful. The blue eyes took me in, then a sly grin formed on one corner of her mouth.
"Hook up your seat belt, the cops are really onto that around here." I told her.
"Where are you headed?" I asked, flicking the handle on the turn signal to make them blink. For some reason I never figured out they wouldn't blink by themselves. Then with a shudder I got the van moving and out onto the road.
"I need to get to 78th and Washington, my girl friend said I could stay there for awhile." I glanced her way, noticing she had a bag with overly long straps. She tucked it into her lap.
Obviously one of those street urchins, but what the hell. She did look clean enough, plus there was a hint of something...lavender maybe, and her tits were nice, visible through the damp top.
I was headed to 225th just off Washington so it was right on my way. I probably wasn't going to make it, but I probably was going to make it to 78th, so who knows?
"Kinda low on gas." I said, looking at the fuel gauge which I swear was now bending, then over her way. Then I glanced down, the tiny little silver pistol was pointed right at me.
"Pull over." She said, quietly.
"What the FUCK?" I yelled, startled.
"Do it asshole, I am not kidding!" She poked at me with the thing.
I pulled over.
"Hand over your money!" She demanded.
That struck me as funny as hell, I busted out laughing insanely.
"What the hell is the matter with you? I will shoot you!"
"Lady, I don't have a goddam dime, I don't even have a fucking credit card."
"Bullshit! Take off your pants!"
"What?" I looked at her, she didn't look very friendly.
"Do it!" She ordered, giving me another poke.
"All right, all right." I undid my belt, stripped my pants off. I kept glancing at the pistol, judging my chances of just taking it away from her, then thought better of trying that.
"Hand them here."
She took my jeans and went through the pockets, coming up with my house key, my empty wallet and a small pocket knife.
"Just fuck! My whole damn life is going like this." She sounded like she was complaining about a bad breakfast or something.
"Get out!" Her voice went mean again. I was thinking if I could just get my hands on her... but she had that damned pistol.
I got out, it was still pouring down rain. She slid over behind the wheel, got the van into gear and floored it. It slowly began to move away, a huge puff of smoke poured out the tailpipe. Then it popped a couple of times and took off.
The fucking BITCH could have at least left me my pants.
I stood there watching my Van vanish down the street, wearing nothing but my briefs and a levi shirt.
The correct word would be mad as hell.
Nothing else to do but start walking, which I did. I invented a few new words while I was at it, visions of my hands wrapped around her scrawny neck.
A few cars went by, I tried to wave my arms to flag them down but they swerved out around me.
Can't say as I blame them, who wants to stop for a nut wearing nothing but a pair of white cottons and a shirt, with it getting dark outside and pouring down rain?
Getting even madder because no one would stop, I just took off walking again. My nuts were shriveled up to the size of grapes, my poor dick was about 2 inches long and I could tell it wanted to climb right back up inside. My teeth were starting to chatter, too.
Fucking bitch could have at least left me my pants, so help me, if I ever get my hands on her, I thought.
Dave's fault, goddam him. When I found him I was going to beat the holy crap out of him! Just thinking about smacking him over and over made me feel better.
It was probably less than two miles further down the road, I had just jumped out of the way of some asshole that went by me at about 80 with his horn blaring. Starting to walk again I looked up ahead and there sat my van!
It was pulled off the side of the road, angled off into some bushes. I carefully sneaked up on it, peeked in.
Nobody.
But there lay my pants on the passenger side floorboards. I opened the door, looked into the back, half expecting to get shot. But I was so cold by then I almost didn't care. I grabbed my pants and tugged them on.
The keys were in the switch, I tried to start the van, all it did was pop a couple of times, then spin over. I turned on the heater fan full blast, the engine was still warm so it actually put out some heat.
My ass felt wet.
But lord did that heat feel good, and now at least I was inside and out of the rain. The heater began to blow cold very quickly, so I climbed in the back where I kept a mattress handy just for situations like this.
Well, and a few rare other situations. Hell, I even had a nice soft fluffy blanket. My undershorts and shirt were wet, I peeled off the shirt and wrung it out, then put it back on. I pulled the fuzzy blanket up around me, my teeth chattering. It didn't take long and I started to warm up, then I dozed off.
I woke up a bit later, there was a rattling sound outside.
Now what the fuck, it hit me that maybe some stupid son of a bitch was trying to steal gas?
Well, good fucking luck with that!
I lay there quietly, thinking I would just let them try. Hell, there was nothing to get. Then the door opened and the blonde slid into the seat. The stupid bitch didn't even look back!
She was spinning the engine over, pumping the gas pedal furiously. I caught a slight whiff of the smell of gasoline. The silly broad had managed to find some gas somewhere, probably stole it out of someone's garage.
The engine caught with a sputter, just as I reached over the rear of the seat and grabbed her in a head lock from behind. Her arm reached out for her goddamed purse but I slapped that away and it fell off the seat onto the floor.
Then all hell broke loose. She belted me somehow in the face, I was hanging on for dear life. How she could swing over her fucking shoulder and hit me hard enough to make my head swim is beyond me.
