Education is still of utmost importance. Indeed, I'm sure that many of you who are currently reading this work are taking a well-earned break from your studies. So, if you're a history student this will be a busman's holiday.
As you should all be aware by now I've been doing my bit to spice up your sex life during lockdown with some role play. Now you can learn something at the same time! You'll need to get in character and the costumes are bound to help in both respects.
Vikings of the time weren't big on fashion. This is set before Lodbrok's Paris raid of 845 after which they went all haute couture, so you should be able to sort out something fairly authentic on the cheap. The horny hat and axe are obligatory but apart from that it's up to you. And for the gentleman, it's glamour gown time and unless you're already a blonde, a blonde wig.
I just put that bit in because you may enjoy a bit of role reversal. I've named the characters Thor and Aethelfreda, but Thor and Aethelfred will do fine. I watched the entire series of 'Vikings' before writing this and I can assure you there were a lot of shield maidens in it!
In line 2 Æthelfreda asks "why are you in my bedroom?" This will give a telling clue to the location. The only other prop you need unless you are teetotal is a jug of your preferred alcoholic beverage and a pair of glasses (Not as in spectacles, it's not Thor the Nearsighted). Thor the Viking bursts through the door and roars bloodthirstily...
"Good morning Miss."
Æthelfreda: "What do you mean 'Good morning Miss?' And why are you in my bedroom?"
Thor: "I'm here with the raiding party."
Æthelfreda: "Raiding party? I've heard absolutely nothing about any raiding party."
Thor: "No? It's been the talk of the village where I come from for ages."
Æthelfreda: "Well nobody invited me. You can't just burst in here with that bloody great axe."
Thor: "It's largely symbolic."
Æthelfreda: "Symbollocks. Somebody could get hurt. You'd better get out!"
Thor: "Listen, this is no way to treat a visitor. I've come all the way from Kattegat."
Æthelfreda: "I suppose that would account for all the commotion. You're one of those Vikings aren't you?"
Thor: "Well duh! What do you think I'm wearing a hat with horns on for?"
Æthelfreda: "You said it was a party. I thought you'd come as a fancy-dress cow."
Thor: "That sounds like a lot of fun, but I'm a ferocious Norseman bent on rape and pillage."
Æthelfreda: "I wouldn't use the word bent. It has different connotations in this country. It sort of implies you might want to rape men."
Thor: "I'm sorry. Let me make it clear. I'm here to rape women and pillage the village. Please to pardon my English."
Æthelfreda: "On the contrary, your English is excellent."
Thor: "Thank you, I worked hard on it at school. But this is the first chance I've had to really use it in its proper context. I was absolutely delighted to be invited to come on this trip. It's really going to give me an exciting opportunity to develop my conversational English. Tell me, how's your Norse?"
Æthelfreda: "We don't learn languages at school. In fact, we don't have schools. We believe that if people want to communicate with us they should learn Anglo Saxon."
Thor: "That's a very isolationist attitude. Look at me, here in a foreign land broadening my horizons. Your country will never get on if you don't embrace your European neighbours."
Æthelfreda: "Yet you've come to rape women and pillage the village."
Thor: "But there'll still be plenty of down time for sightseeing. Perhaps you could show me around afterwards."
Æthelfreda: "What, after you've raped me?"
Thor: "It's nothing personal. I'm just doing my job."
Æthelfreda: "Well you're not doing a job on me and then going sightseeing. That's not the way we do things in this country."
Thor: "This is exactly what I mean by broadening horizons. Now how should we proceed?"
Æthelfreda: "You could start by introducing yourself pleasantly and paying me a gracious compliment."
Thor: "Good morning, my name is Thor. I noticed your cow on the way in. It's a really fine specimen. We don't have cattle of that quality back at home."
Æthelfreda: "No, not my livestock, you idiot; a personal compliment."
Thor: "Of course, you've got a great set of udders. Now can we do it?"
Æthelfreda: "Can we heck as like. For an educated man you're making no effort whatsoever. You've clearly got a complex and no Englishwoman is going to be swept off her feet by being compared to a cow. Why don't you try saying something nice about my hair?"
Thor: "Your hair is actually lovely and blonde. It seems to indicate you have a bit of the Scandinavian in you."
Æthelfreda: "Are you waiting for me to reply 'no' and then planning to say, "Would you like some then?"
Thor: "I thought it would amuse you."
Æthelfreda: "It's crass, immature and dated. I don't know what year it is where you come from but it's 793 here. Just say something flattering."
Thor: "You have beautiful eyes, like limpid pools."
Æthelfreda: "Thank you kind sir. Let me introduce myself. My name is Æthelfreda and let me say I'm mightily impressed by your powerful physique. Do you work out?"
Thor: "No, just a lot of heavy farm work, a healthy dairy based diet, and military training. And let me just say Æthelfreda is my favourite name and that you also look very fit."
Æthelfreda: "Yes I too work on the farm and enjoy an additive free diet."
Thor: "We seem to have a lot in common. Perhaps we could go on a date and find out more about each other."
Æthelfreda: "That sounds like a good idea, what would you suggest?"
Thor: "I haven't eaten yet, so perhaps if you haven't either you might be able to suggest somewhere we could go for breakfast. I'm not from around here so I'm not familiar with the local dining establishments."
Æthelfreda: "A wonderful idea, but it's mad out there at the moment."
Thor: "It's chaotic. You should complain."
Æthelfreda: "The neighbours are normally very quiet."
Thor: "Then it's not always like this here?"