Dare Diabolo Suum, Inc.
To — His Diabolical Majesty Luciferus Bestiæ Æternum, Father of Lies, Lord of the Flies, Prince of Darkness, King of the Bottomless Pit, Archangel of Death, Corrupter of the Innocent, Etc., Etc.
From — Dæmon Devorantem, Satanic Henchman First Class, Special Projects Office
Dear Boss,
First of all, let me offer my hearty congratulations on the anti-vax campaign. It is succeeding beyond our most optimistic projections. The guys and gals in the False Prophets Division really pulled this one out of the fire (if you'll pardon the pun). Recruiting that bimbo was a stroke of genius. I'm told she now has a talk show, so the investment should continue to pay off.
Meanwhile, our latest project has progressed exactly as expected and the results so far have been pleasing; so I propose we move the operation immediately into top gear. (Speaking of... Jeremy's another one that's been well worth the outlay.)
I know you love to read all the gory details, so here goes...
For our test case, I found the perfect pair. Jack and Jane were good-looking, intelligent, well-bred, well-educated... in other words, full of the naïve self-confidence we love down here. I offered them the customary deal (for him wealth immeasurable, for her love everlasting) with the standard price, their immortal souls. They naturally would have no part of it, so as they were applauding themselves on their rectitude I countered with The Wager. That worked like a charm. It always does, of course. Humans rarely disappoint. It's why we're so fond of them. I could just eat them all up... but I've promised to stop doing that ;)
I put Jack and Jane overnight in the Nero Suite. At the risk of repeating myself... humans are so predictable. Instead of getting well-rested, or planning some sort of strategy, or at least getting to know each other's minds better, they rutted like satyrs all night. Their breakfast conversation amused me no end.
"So Jane, what's your reward, if you win?"
"Never-ending passionate love."
"Heh... just like a woman."
"Really? So what's your prize?"
"Inexhaustible riches, of course."
"Just like a man. Don't you know money can't buy happiness?"
"Maybe not... but it can buy everything else."
That's when I knew we'd picked the right couple. I had them brought straight down to the dungeon. The place has been done up nicely, not so intimidating that it puts the new chums off their game, but just enough to keep them jumpy and jittery. (The house must always have the edge, but you don't want to scare away the players.)
I gave them a brief rundown on the three trial options — the rack, the whip or the phallus. "Lady goes first; your choice," I said.
Jane thought for a moment before choosing the rack. The women always go for that one.
"This is a simple test of endurance, nothing complicated." I explained the rules. Jane's eyes were by now the size of dinner plates.
"It's not too late to back out," I said. "An hour is a long time when you're..."
"Let's just get on with it."
As two of the minions wheeled out the rack, Jack's eyes bulged and Jane's lips puckered. I gave them a final chance to back out. Rules are rules. It's that damnable "free will" clause. But in any case, there's no fun if the players are not completely on board. As they both started to waver, I pulled out the usual deal sweetener.
"There
is
an escape clause."
I paused, purely for the dramatic effect. It's funny to watch the punters' faces as they await the punchline. Jack looked at me with a quizzical squint, Jane with an amusingly pathetic sparkle in her eyes.
"Look, we're not heartless down here. Soulless yes, heartless no." (To prove my point, I thought about showing them my splendid collection of hearts, but decided not to push it.) "Once the game begins, if Jane quits before the hour's up, you both stay down here, with us... with me..." (At this point I winked at Jane, just to see her cringe. I really do enjoy this job.) "...for eternity."
"What sort of concession is that?" Jack demanded.
"I haven't finished. Jack, you have a pity card to play. You can end Jane's suffering and give you both a second chance."
Jack grinned smugly. Jane was suspicious. It must have been my devilish charm.
"I don't understand," the woman said. "So what's the point? What's in this for you?"
"It's all an experiment, my dear. We like to observe you humans in your natural habitat, in competition with each other and with your own true nature."
Well, that was mostly true. Humans never get it when we offer these bargains. They think we're desperate to harvest souls, and they're too arrogant to realize that we get enough in the long run to keep the home fires burning. It's not about the prize, it's about the game. Of course, in telling
you
this, I'm preaching to the converted. (Home fires... preaching... my talents really belong on stage.)
In the end, I don't think they needed much persuasion. Give humans a conscience alternative and they're suckers every time. Jane would endure her agonizing ordeal, knowing that Jack wouldn't shaft Jane (unlike last night LOL) if it came down to a choice. He could play the self-sacrificing hero and still have a get-out-of-hell-free card to play. So they signed the papers.
To get started, I instructed Jane to take off her clothes.
"Why do I have to be naked?" she objected.
I could have answered, "To make sure you have nothing that can help you." Or I could have been honest and asked, "Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Instead I merely replied, "Did you read the fine print?"
She shrugged and sighed and stripped. I was impressed. She had a body that makes men's eyes pop, and legs to kill for. I held back on both; there'd be time enough for that stuff later. The chilled air from the vents flowing across her bare skin made her shiver and shudder. (It's funny how people expect it to be hot everywhere down here... like we can't afford air-conditioning.) She lay on her back upon the rack. As I buckled the straps about her neck, wrists and ankles, Jack was trying to not get aroused by the sight of the beautiful naked woman lying helpless on the wooden frame already squirming in her bonds.
"You can do it, honey" he whispered. He reached out a hand to touch hers.
"Stand back," I said and placed my hand on the lever. I pressed it gently at first, gradually increasing the force.
Jane emitted a plaintive whimper, a startled gasp, a guttural groan, a tremulous squeal, and then a full-throated scream. I played with the controls, eliciting all sorts of comical noises, not just out from those luscious lips. And who doesn't love the sweet sounds of cracking bones, shearing muscles and snapping sinews? Music to stir the savage beast.
As his lady love writhed in exquisite agony, I offered Jack a cigarette. "No thanks, given it up," he declared, but then, "Oh, what the hell?"
"Indeed," I responded, flicking my fingers to produce a flame.
"Nice trick," he said. We looked down at the Jane's delectably nude body wriggling on the rack. She was a tough, brave little thing, no doubt about that. But after a few more minutes of desperation and despair, her contorted face was glistening with sweat and tears.
"Ready to give in, sweetie?" I said in my softest sympathetic tone.
She angrily clenched her jaws and shook her head.
"How much longer?" Jack asked.
"It's only just begun," I replied.
"Let me see that contract again," he snarled.
"Certainly."
He inspected the document carefully, examined every clause, studied every line, scrutinized every phrase, analyzed every word. Prepared for this, I offered him a fine-toothed comb. My finest. Teeth extracted from princes, pontiffs and presidents.
