Guys Will Never Catch Up

Big picture, environment, and demographics:

Consider the Southeastern US. There you will find textile mills, not as many as before NAFTA, but still several cotton, polyester, rayon, and nylon facilities. Several hundred men and women working in the same plants, eating together and socializing, in mostly hot and humid conditions. Education and sophistication were typical of lower-end-high school grads level. Females had to lift a gross weight of 6 pounds and be able to thread machines that would easily require an eighth-grader about one day to learn. Men are the same except for twenty pounds repetitively just as the girls for eight hours a day. This all happened while swinging shifts. (Seven consecutive days, then seven afternoons, and then graveyard).

Let us just say hot-and-heavy relationships were more common than faithfulness.

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To further define the demographics of these plants one of the male and female employees was newly wedded in nuptial bliss. They were going ALL the way to Myrtle Beach to consummate their love and commitment to each other. But, something bad happened their very first night; the sheriff had to be called to the honeymoon suite. it appeared that "Furbelly" aka Bubba Lee Ray Smathers had taken the life of his new bride, Melva Sue Baumgartner Smathers in the middle of the night.

Now the high Sherriff of Horry County was no dummy, he made it to his sophomore year before the Clemson head of agronomy suggested his talents and attention would be better served in another endeavor....any other endeavor!

So the obvious question from the nimble-witted sheriff was; "Bubba, why did you kill little miss Melva?"

Now the equally adroit Bubba responded with, "She was a virgin, pure and simple!"

Hearing this, the rotund South Carolina lawman said, "WHAT? You killed her cuz' she was pure and unviolated."

Bubba, with great alacrity, replied, "Hell if she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as Hell ain't good enough for mine."

That is an example of my work colleagues.

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You don't run an operation of this magnitude without management; that is where I come in.

I was sitting with a few of my betters in the "vend-a-teria" for a casual, impromptu meeting and break.

So Chuck says, "I bought Dee and new TV for the bedroom yesterday."

Uninvited, Bob responded with, "What did you do, mount it on the ceiling?"

That ribald statement elicited the appropriate amount of chuckles. That started the inevitable conversation on sex. It is inescapable in this factory setting to not see the provocative tight pants and luscious low-cut blouses. Even with the higher-than-normal HIT ratio, you will still strike out. This prompted Bob to espouse, you know, "You can never catch up!

If you weren't paying attention, you would have missed the profound statement. As the younger guy at the table, it took me a moment to understand the depth of his thesis. To explain to my quizzical face he continued "You can always catch up on bill payments. You can take more vacation or work more if needed, they will always be available. But for us, males not so much. Consider the adage of the fence post and the post hole. The barbed wire will rust away, and the wood post will weather and rot, but that hole will be there forever and ever after. She can always double up. Twice in one day, no problem, three, four, etc. no problem.

Males are blue-balled at the whim of their wives, girlfriend, or whomever. "I've got a headache!" or the "I'll make it up to you tomorrow. " We males and Garth know that "tomorrow never comes."

But the real crux (see what I did there?) of the matter is, what are the alternatives? Did cavemen have this problem? Societal norms and laws dictate Monogamy. Polygamy and bi-curious are off the table. Between legalities and "I ain't doing that" leaves us guys without.

If you young studs out there think that it is a bad deal in your youth, just wait until the change in life happens. Rant, rave, and complain you will still be without sex. At that point in life, all that is left is to remember the first three and a half months of marriage as the best time of your life.

Therein may provide a solution. Simply swap wives every three months. Sex will still be new and engaging. Set up a committee that will organize the swaps, the A's could exchange with the B's, and so on. Something new every three months. There could be a rating system for the temporary wives, the better their rating, the more money the next husband has.

As Yogi said, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." Just remember the old cliché, "The worst I ever had was wonderful!"

PS True Story

So Bob was in the team office one day, bragging about his shoe size and the OBVIOUS, what that meant. He openly asked the office admin what she thought about THAT. She suggested that "he buy some shoes that fit!" Guys