Goldilocs Returns

Goldilocks was now 21 years old. This was 6 years after her famous trip to the house of the Three Bears. You know the story of how she broke 2 of their 3 chairs, tasted and rejected 2 of the bears' bowls of porridge and ate the Baby Bear's porridge and then slept in the Baby Bear's bed after trying Mummy Bear's and Daddy Bear's bed.

It was 6 years she she fled the 3 Bear's house via a window, fearing for her life. It was 6 years since she had wrecked the 3 Bears' house. Goldilocks had been exceptionally excited when she returned to the safety of her house. I know that all teenagers get excited. But Goldilocks set a new standard for teenager excitement.

Few people, yet alone a 15 year old, have experienced the adrenaline induced high the body produces when being chased by a father, mother and a baby bear. After all Goldilocks had no gun or rifle or any other protective device. Goldilocks didn't even have running shoes, since she was a fashionista, and wouldn't be seen dead in anything that wasn't in fashion. And the running shoe fashion had ended when she was 12.

She might have been caught and been eaten. To have to literally run for your life is a thrill for anyone. But for a teenager it was the thrilliest of thrills.

When she got back to her own house, her parents were relieved. Then they were concerned about their only daughter nearly being a meal for brutish bears. No parent wants to feed, clothe and educate a child for 15 years only for them to disappear down a bunch of bear's mouths.

That would be a grizzly fate.

The parents banned Goldilocks from going to the woods ever again. This was. I think you will agree, a wise thing for them to do. But it was like shutting the stable gate after the horse has bolted.

Goldilocks didn't mention the signs that said "Do not enter these woods - danger of bear attacks" to her parents. She hadn't lied, she just didn't tell them the whole unvarnished truth.

Goldilocks went to bed early to get over the excitement. Her only regret was that her fashionable shoes were ruined.

TELLING THE WHOLE STORY

The next day Goldilocks told her father and mother "I have seen bears who could talk, had beds and chairs and could cook porridge. They live in a house."

At first her father and mother thought she had confused a dream with reality. For after such a gruelling adventure it is only natural to dream crazy dreams. They didn't want to upset their daughter so they said nothing. They reasoned that their daughter would soon realise that she just dreamed about talking bears.

THE BEST PORRIDGE

Goldilocks continued "By the way, the bears make the best porridge, even better than Mum's porridge. The bears used oats, cream and honey."

Her already credulous parents thought that bears making better porridge than humans was too bizarre to be true.

Goldilocks's mother made porridge using the best method, using oats, milk and a modicum of salt.

Goldilocks's mother said "Porridge with cream and honey can't be better than using milk and a little salt."

WAS IT A DREAM?

She said, in a kindly way that mothers have towards difficult teenage daughters, "We have all had dreams that seen so real. We think they are real, but they aren't real."

But Goldilocks said "No mother I didn't have a dream. I really was in a real house, with real beds and chairs and 3 talking bears. I really had to escape by climbing out of a window and running away."

Her father said to her mother "Our daughter has a grandiose and unshakeable belief in something that's impossible."

When she persisted in telling them all about her experiences her father sent Goldilocks to a psychiatrist.

THE PSYCHIATRIST

Goldilocks had a sleepless night before her first appointment with the psychiatrist. She feared the psychiatrist would try to get her to say that she merely had a dream. However she was in for a pleasant shock.

The psychiatrist said "Bizarre and grandiose things are possible. If you are fortunate enough to have seen talking bears then you are indeed very lucky. I think you are telling the truth.

People think that they believe in science. But science only comes up for theories for things we know about. Any astro-physicist will tell you we only know about 1% of the universe. You have experienced something which science doesn't yet know about. When scientists find out about talking bears they will come up with theories to explain about them."

This took Goldilocks by surprise. Psychiatrists are supposed to stop people believing in impossible things. This psychiatrist merely accepted she had seen talking bears.

He was the first and only person to believe her. Goldilocks smiled. She had an ally, a helper; and someone to provide support in her ongoing struggle with her parents.

Goldilocks said "Even for known events there is much that science can not explain. The scientists still don't know about the microscopic atom or about the planets in the universe."

The psychiatrist nodded his agreement with Goldilocks.

THE DEEPEST INTERNET

The psychiatrist said "I am not going to give you medicines. We are not going to have a regime of talking treatments. Do you want to contact the bears? If so, we can use the "deepest internet" to contact them. The deepest internet allows the bears to communicate with ordinary mortals, if that's what they choose to do."

Goldilocks had never used the internet for she lived in deepest, darkest Wales. She had heard of the internet and it seemed scary. But even scarier was the idea that the deepest internet could translate bear language into English.

Goldilocks smiled the smile that only can happen when someone finally believes you. It was the second best smile that any human can have. Of course the biggest smile any human can have is on his or her wedding day.

She said "I know that the talking bears exist. It was a pain in the posterior when everyone said that I had dreamt it."

WHAT GOLDILOCKS DECIDED

Goldilocks had a genuine rapport with the psychiatrist. She no longer mention the 3 bears to anyone, except the psychiatrist. She would seem like a normal teenager.

For he knew, as only a fully trained psychiatrist knows, the true state of a person's soul. He recognised that Goldilocks had fallen in love. But she wasn't at the "I want to hold your hand" stage just yet. But when Goldilocks spoke about baby bear, her tone of voice softened.

WISDOM

It is wisely written that "you can never change your nature". It is a thought so wise that only Confucius, the greatest Chinese philosopher, could have realised it. And it was Goldilocks's nature to be self motivated.

She was her own woman. No one would tell her what to do. She had native wisdom. That beat every other kind of wisdom. She wanted to live the life she chose for herself. Others feared to break out of conformity but Goldilocks didn't.

She was doomed to be herself. And that, as every teenager should be taught, is the worst kind of doom. For, it is a rule set down when the universe was formed and which will last as long as the universe does, that "some truths have to be self taught". Goldilocks would have to learn this truth the hard way.

It is well written that "facts may be taught but wisdom can not". It was something so wise that only Socrates himself could think it.

Goldilocks wanted to prove that she had seen talking bears. So she tried to find the house of the 3 Bears. Goldilocks went back into the woods that still had the "Do not enter these woods - danger of bear attacks" sign.

PUBLIC AWARENESS

Most people only know 3 things about bears. They shit in the woods, they roar and they have sex in a backward sort of way. People even watch videos of bears "mating".

The deepest internet advises that

a) Talking bears don't like the term "mating". They call this "making love".

b) Talking bears are shy and retiring creatures and excellent house builders. They are able to relocate and rebuild a house in a single day.

c) Talking bears like having a proper afternoon tea, with cakes and sandwiches and doughnuts.

d) Talking bears gave the good people of Boston the recipe for beans so tasty that no one has ever bettered it.

e) Talking (and non talking) bears are at their grumpiest in the hibernation season. No one likes to be woken from their slumbers and bears are no exception. They hibernate for 3 to 7 months, dependent on the weather. When the strawberries are available in late May, it tempts the Talking Bears out. Then they can make the superior jam for their afternoon teas.

f) The deepest internet is very clear about the stupidity of annoying hibernating Talking bears. It states (in bold letters) "Only self obsessed people will risk waking bears in the hibernation season. Wise people leave them alone in their abodes. You have been warned."

FINDING THE TALKING BEARS

But Goldilocks decided that, if the Talking bears were sleeping they would be easier to find.

The strategy worked. Goldilocks found the bears, early in May. She thought (correctly) that they would have already had a long sleep and be less grumpy. As a child she was very naughty and ate their porridge. Goldilocks knew, because she is wiser now she is an adult, to bring gifts. And if you wake someone the best way to make them enjoy life is with a bowl of porridge.

She returned to her village and purchased the best oats, cream, milk, sugar, honey, doughnuts, bread (without crusts), ham, cheese and onion spread, tea and 6 bottles of the most expensive strawberry conserve. She also got a supply of tinned Boston beans.

Goldilocks prepared porridge with cream and honey because this is what Talking bears prefer. You may recall that Goldilocks mother thinks that porridge is better made using milk and a little salt. But this was a gift for the bears and so Goldilocks prepared the porridge the way the bears liked it. She took it in a heat retaining bowl along with 3 cereal bowls of different sizes.

WAKING THE BEARS

Goldilocks then went back to the cave where the Talking bears were sleeping. She opened 4 of the jars of Strawberry conserve. The bears were fooled into thinking the strawberry season had started. Then they saw Goldilocks and remembered how destructive she had been.

But Goldilocks said "I am truly sorry for my past sins. You all must be starving. I have the finest porridge our hamlet can provide to make up for eating yours."

The bears ate ravenously for they lose a lot of weight while they hibernate.

Goldilocks said "I want us to have an afternoon tea together. I have everything we need."

The bears noted that Goldilocks was now wiser. She was more like what humans should be. So Mother bear and Goldilocks made up the afternoon tea and Daddy bear and Baby bear made a table and chairs.

Goldilocks and the 3 Bears sat round the feast for eyes and tummies, discussing unimportant things. But she had to agree never to return. The bears gave Goldilocks a present. They gave her the secret recipes for the best porridge and the best beans.

Now Goldilocks knows that her mother preferred making porridge in the traditional manner. So she never uses the better method.

BOSTON BEANS

Don't tell the Bostonians that their beans are only the second best in the world.

The best are served in a remote part of deepest, darkest Wales and only eaten by Goldilocks and her parents. But it is ironic but still true that "no one has ever bettered" Boston beans, because it was Mother bear who bettered the American recipe.