Dating apps these days don't present a clear portrait of their users. From the moment I saw Gabrielle I knew she had to be different than the endless lists of fake girls that were in my area. With the face of Meg Ryan and the body of Sarah Jessica Parker and the ass of Chandler's hookup from Friends. I didn't think it could be true so I shot her message and was promptly met with a response, we decided to meet at the outdoors mall. I was looking for true love and the scents from Bath and Body Works enticed women (I believe so) and Hotdog on a Stick could have a potent effect on a woman's subconscious. The sexual innuendos abound could help to move things along when i inevitably felt too nervous to do it alone. I told her I'd be waiting by the Forever 21 in my khakis and blue sports jacket I got from Goodwill holding a single red rose. The jacket didn't quite fit but I loved how dashing it made me seem, and my mother loved it. After a few minutes of waiting, a Latina girl turned the corner with a kind of bravado that could only be described as Michelle Rodriguez on big dick juice.
She had a black tank top on that read, "Hi Haters" and as she stopped she took the rose from my hand and threw it to the ground,
"What the fuck is this!?" I was shocked by the language.
"It was for you?"
"What the hell am I? Your prom date?"
"Well, I never went to prom..."
She looked me up and down, "You freaky or what?"
"Yeah, I guess so" It was true I did dance very well for my complexion.
"You're alright I guess. Did you get me anything?"
"Just the rose I thought we could go to- hey!" She was already walking away, on her back white letters read, "bye haters". She didn't look like her picture on the dating app. Not even close! For one thing the girl on the picture was white and this girl was obviously Latina. "You don't look like your picture." I half yelled as she paced ahead through the crowd.
"No duh ever hear of reconstructive surgery? Or photoshop!?" It did make more sense that her face was actually photoshopped to look like popular actresses from the 90′s instead of just really really looking like them. She led me through the mall stopping once to collect coins from the bottom of a water fountain. I was almost literally swept off my feet, she was strong. We hurried until we were at the dumpster cans.
The second we were around the corner she kissed me so forcefully and passionately that I couldn't think about anything. I just let go and let her ash tasting mouth enter mine. "Is that a knife in your smallclothes or are you happy to see me m'lord?" She sneered in a terrible British accent.
