Funny Stuff

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Before sex ... you enjoy helping each other get naked ... after sex each dress themselves ... Moral of the story ... in life no one helps you once you're fucked.

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As I moved into position to make love to my wife doggy style, I told her I took a Viagra ... she took it pretty hard.

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The husband says to the wife: "My Olympic condoms arrived today; I think I will wear the gold tonight."

The wife quizzes: "Why don't you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?"

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My wife and I were going at, her long legs wrapped tightly around me as I pumped, she raked her nails across my back and asked me to whisper dirty things to her ... that abruptly ended our lovemaking, and I got a severe smack upside my head ... I guess kitchen, bathroom, laundry wasn't what she meant.

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Wife looking over at our neighbor as I was leaving for work: Oh, honey look at that. "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"

Husband: "If you want me to, I would love to, but I better wait until he leaves, he might not approve of me kissing his wife."

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My wife called me at work, asked me to bring home supper, after the age-old banter of 'what would you like?' and 'I don't know, whatever.'

I attempt several inquiries as to define what she would prefer ... she emphatically told me to bring home whatever I wanted, and she'd happily eat whatever I brought ... So why is she now so frikkin upset that I brought home my sexy secretary.

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My wife looked up from her laptop, "why don't you compliment me like when we first met?"

I grinned "You made me stop drinking."

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I never knew my wife had a twin sister, but now that I found her, I sent her a message on the website 'housewives seeking sex' asking to meet up.

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My wife and I were having a serious fight, she screamed at me "Get out of the house, I hate you, I want a divorce!"

As I was walking out the door she screams, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

I stop, turn back to look at her and say, "So, now you want me to stay?"

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Two sexy secretaries are chatting at an office party, "I never slept with my husband before we were married, did you?"

"Possibly, have you got a photo, I'm not very good with names."

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We were on the couch watching a romantic comedy I told my wife I was getting up to make drinks ... she said she'd like a stiff one ... I turned around and asked if I should make drinks first.

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My wife is always complaining I never take interest in any of the activities she enjoys. Well, whenever she asks; I go shopping with her. I also took dancing lessons with her. I endure watching the 'Bachelor' with her.

I think it's an unfair double standard, because whenever I asked for a blowjob or anal she's refused.

Now she's in our bedroom doorway screaming and yelling at me, simply because I asked her to take interest in another favorite activity of mine... with the young girl I brought home from work.

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It was Saturday, doing my regular chores, I was cutting the grass. My wife who was planting fall bulbs stopped me and requested I go to the landscaping store after I finish the grass cutting and buy a bag of manure and spread it on the beds.

We're spending a night or two at the local hotel... she could've been much clearer, and specified the 'flower beds'

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My wife and I had been fighting more than usual and finally agreed to try counselling to save our marriage. We were in the marriage councilor's office. The older lady in a tweed business suit asks, "what action of your wife frustrates you the most." I smugly respond. "For 22 years she's been correcting everything I say" ... to which my wife rolls her eyes and promptly interjects, "23 years."

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I was having a beer with my friend, "I wish I'd listened to what my parents tried telling me when I was younger."

He took a sip and queried "What did they say."

I replied, "I don't know, I told you I didn't listen."

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My wife was clearing the supper dishes and asked, "Where will you take me on our 25th anniversary?"

I smiled looked at her and said, "How about Paris?"

She turned her face beaming "Oh, that will be wonderful, so then what about our 50th?"

I think for a few moments, "Maybe I'll come find you."

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I was getting dressed for work in the morning, "I think the dryer shrunk my pants." As I squirm to do up my pants button.

My wife shakes her head. "Naw, it was the refrigerator."

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It's fresh in my mind, like it just happened yesterday ... oh, damn, that did just happen yesterday. My age is showing.