Lana 5

Lana

A short story by R.C.PeterGabriel, based on a FB meme. The original author is unknown but I've been laughing for two days and was compelled to pass this on.

*****

The startling, and very out-of-character scream of "OH, MY, FUCKING, GOD!" could be heard through the ceiling, causing me and my wife to glance worriedly at each other. We both immediately started getting up to investigate the cause of our daughter's distress. I quickly set aside my book, while Hannah reached for the TV remote.

Lana is our sixteen-year-old daughter. She's always been the perfect kid. Always polite, considerate, helpful, and has never earned less than an 'A' at school. Most importantly for the current situation, was that she has until now, managed to refrain from the use of common vulgarities and expletives. Admittedly, to my shame, her parents and brother sometimes utter them during times of stress. But because to our knowledge, she had never in her life used a swear word, let alone dropped the 'F' bomb, we both knew that whatever had happened must have been devastating in the extreme.

Our son Azzip, on the other hand, seems to always be causing problems. No, he's not malicious or destructive. He just likes to be creative while pranking anyone and everyone around him. That being the case, I was assuming he had a hand in Lana's distress.

Before we could even get our feet beneath us, we heard the stomping headed our way. Lana's room is directly above the sitting room where we enjoy spending our evenings as the kids look to their homework. Well, at least, Lana did homework. Azzip plays video games on his phone seemingly all day and night. And yes, we've tried to offer inspiration for a more fulfilled lifestyle, but alas, he's eighteen and 'can do what he wants'. I guess since he pays rent (greatly reduced, though it may be) and his phone bill, I can't complain too much. But still.

The stomping quickly found the stairs and began a thunderous descent. A few seconds later, Lana's fearful continence swept into the room.

"Lana, Sweetheart, what is wrong?" asked the clone-like but older version of herself, also known as her mother. The inquiry was instantly met with a red-faced teen holding her palm out to stop any further probes into the situation. My wife and I glanced at each other, both hoping, however fleetingly, that our counterpart held some unknown wisdom. We were both disappointed, as neither had the required knowledge to unravel the mystery.

Lana, slowly lowered her hand while giving us both repeated incredulous glares and began pacing. "Give me a few minutes, please," was requested in an overly patient tone spoken through clenched teeth. We could tell she was trying to calm herself and complied. That didn't mean that we hadn't picked up on the silent accusation being aimed our way and not at her brother.

Over several minutes, Lana paused attempting a few cleansing breaths, only to shake her head and return to her pacing, all the while, arms flailing and fingers splayed, in a display of obvious distress. Her self-calming attempts failing.

I caught more than one mumbled declaration of "My life is over!" while she wore a path into the carpet.

I thought, "Oh, this is just about a boyfriend, or a bad yearbook picture. No big deal". Wrong.

As the pacing continued, the mumbling became less and less coherent.

"It can not be true!"... "They wouldn't!"... "But they did!"... "I can't believe it."... "Bad enough, if they'd given me a stripper name, like Trixy or Candy, but NNNNOOOOO! they named me Lana."... "I'll need therapy for the rest of my life!"... and "Can never show my face again!" were all added to her prior declaration.

My baby girl was having a meltdown before our eyes. I had to help her. Stepping in, I took hold of her shoulders. "Lana, Baby. Talk to us. Whatever is going on can be fixed."

I immediately noticed the wide-eyed, head pulled back, and stiffened body posture that accompanied her physical cringe at my touch. What could possibly have brought that about? We've always been a very touchy family. She's usually the instigator of our contact. I was getting worried for her myself at that point.

She pulled loose saying, "Azzip, updated his home page, saying that you two admitted why he has such an unusual name. That because Mom's name is a palindrome you agreed to spell our names backwards."

"Yes, Lana, that's true," I admitted.

"He posted that we were both named after your favorite things at the time we were born and it was 'Pizza' for him!"

*****

Hope you laughed as hard as I did.

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