"Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs, Ladies And Gentlemen." Allow me to introduce the product of what happens when I keep looking at my own unfinished project. A short, superficial satire about human obsessions. I can think of few things more frightening. A late entry into this year's Halloween contest.
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There is nothing more frightening than my wife, Mackenzie Jane ('Kenzie' for short), looking at Pinterest. Don't laugh - I have seen messed up shit. I had 6 years in the National Guard, where I was dispatched to help after hurricanes, floods, and earthquakes and riots. I have another 8 years in the Corps, with three deployments overseas.
And while I'll admit that those "Snowflakes" with tear gas and knives hidden God-knows-where and the racists with their tiki torches might be intimidating en masse, nothing compares to the emotional rollercoaster than the entire household goes into when my sweet Kenzie gets an idea from Pinterest.
When we started dating ten years ago, it wasn't that bad. The first meal she cooked for me was this herbed pot roast that was the perfect medium rare with no grey ring. I'm a meat guy, and I had never had a piece of beef that didn't have that tough grey ring that happens when you sear something too long and then try to finish it at too high a temp. (Nothing kills this bull's erection like the temp being too hot for too long.) When I asked how she did it Kenzie said it was a recipe she saw on Pinterest and she also had two desserts that she got the ideas from the site.
That damn apple dumpling and ice cream was so good I said 'fuck the second' and proceeded to sit Kenzie onto the counter and start stroking her as soon as she closed the dishwasher. I gave her a second to turn the machine on and then proceeded to wrap her legs around my waist and carry her upstairs. I had other ideas about smoothing out the skin around my balls that didn't involve dishwasher steam.
After I pushed her back onto the bed Kenzie gave me the second dessert in the form of some 'entertaining' positions she said she also saw while browsing some sex "pins". I thought the names were appropriate. I'd happily pin her anytime after browsing those positions.
Everything Kenzie was making from these food "pins" in the months that followed was better than what I could do. I even ate some vegetable gratin thing and liked it. But she slowly started adding more food-based desserts and fewer after dinner positions. Sure, we would still be marathoning, but the number of new positions became fewer. I was still getting off so I didn't see the slide. At this point I was convinced I had the best woman in the world and we got married right before my first deployment.
We talked and Skyped as much as possible during those ten months. Since war is hell I would ask Kenzie to tell me what she was doing. She would tell me stories about her co-workers and the old church ladies. Kenzie also told me about these new "pins" she and the other wives were seeing and how she was so intrigued she would put them on her virtual board. It didn't seem too bad. I liked the idea of a cheap all purpose cleaner and blueberry muffins in the freezer waiting for me when I came home.
I wasn't prepared for the three bags of blueberry muffins. And the eight other home decor projects that were in various stages of creation. But we worked through it the first few weeks of my being home. I took a couple of her unfinished projects and after several hours of cursing at the lack of directions and how the hell did the "pin" pictures looked so perfect compared to reality I had something that wasn't terrible. The decoupage chair and pressed flower candle looked nice in the guest room. I also convinced her to organize some of her materials into the spare closet we had in the living room. We slowly got ourselves into a rhythm.
Since Halloween was a couple months after I got home she had found us this couple's costume. You can guess where. I wasn't the biggest fan of having to wear a hood shaped to look like a deer head, but her black dress with the yellow lines down the center from cleavage to hem made it worth it. That was one hell of a marathon when we got back from her sister's party. I stayed in character, rutting her underneath this thick blanket that she knit herself using just her arms. She said it was a chunky wool cable pattern. I thought it was a good covering for when I was naked on the couch.
At this point my wife was noticeable stressed with some of her unfinished projects and how they weren't "worthy" to post on the site, so she started spending more time looking for more instructions and at other people's boards to see if anyone had any tips. But she was still paying attention to my board, so I didn't think much of it. Looking back, I probably should have stopped her then. She started getting more excited about finishing a pin than getting herself off. I could guess where she found this technique, but there were a few blowjobs where I blacked out only to come to to an empty side of the bed. When I suggested tying her to the bed so we could sleep after fucking she gave me this look that could make a terrorist bolt, but acquiesced. Her frustrated, borderline angry sex was really hot.
Shortly after my second deployment we found out we were pregnant with our little girl. Our Skype sessions focused more on baby updates and planning for the birth in case I wasn't able to make it home in time. She mentioned that she wanted to start making small things for the baby and that she saw some cute hat patterns that would be easy to sew. I came home to a beautiful, healthy Annie Raye. And a closet full of baby clothes my wife had sewn. Most were simple looking patterns. Except there was a Christmas dress that she had been in the middle of making when her water broke. She listened to the doctor when she said no sex for six weeks. However the doctor didn't say anything about pins. I found Kenzie asleep at her sewing machine a couple times after Annie's nighttime feedings. She finished the dress eight weeks after giving birth, forgoing sex after her checkup in order to search for in her words 'just the right trim'. Kenzie booked us a family Christmas portrait for two weeks after , saying it would have been less stressful to have a professional take our pictures. I'll admit, we looked good. The dress Kenzie made for Annie was cute. And Kenzie did something new to cover up those dark circles that I knew she had from not sleeping. When we got home Annie was out like a light. However, before I could tell Kenzie to go to bed and rest she jumped me and we had a marathon like we hadn't been together in months. And by that time it had been almost a year.
Having Annie seemed to give Kenzie some calm. If I had to go for training a couple weeks I might only come back to one project Kenzie had started. When Annie started eating solid food, Kenzie abandoned most of her home decor ideas in favor of meal plans and coming up with the perfect homemade baby food recipes. She also made up these bottles with oil in them that had sticks poking up through. She called them 'reed diffusers' and said they had calming scents that would keep Annie sleeping through the night. We settled back into a healthy sex routine so I wasn't complaining.
