(This is my Christmas 2024 entry. I love to hear from my readers. Please comment and rate. Thank you!)
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Lisel's alarm went off. "Fuck" she thought to herself. She'd taken Ny-Quill to recover from the flu but now it was time to pick up her kids at school. Her twins were ten and probably old enough to walk the 1/2 mile from school to home BUT Brian and Matt were kindhearted. They'd get into a stranger's van to help and probably be kidnapped or murdered.
Lisel didn't want to be one of those mothers profiled on Dateline or a True Crime podcast. She didn't want haters on the internet to think she was a sadistic mother. So still feeling sick, Liself got out of bed.
There was a sweatshirt on the floor. Was it clean? It smelled alright---but Lisel didn't know. There were no other options for clean clothes so Lisel sprayed some air freshener on herself to ensure everything was normal. Did other mothers do this? Lisel didn't know.
She ran her hands through her greasy hair and pinched her cheeks. Today wasn't a day to win the Miss America pageant! Today she just had to pick up the kids at school. Still, recovering from the flu, it was a huge effort!
Downstairs she quickly loaded the dishwasher. Sometimes Lisel hated being "the Mom". As a kid, she loved Disney movies, so she always expected friendly animals to do chores for her. She still hoped that friendly Disney animals would drop by and do chores for her. After all, Lisel knew she was a princess!
Lisel swallowed some leftover spaghetti and 1/2 a cup of cold and conglead coffee. Lisel knew it was disgusting but she was sure it would have vitamins or minerals to provide nutrients and help her recover from the flu.
She grabbed her keys and headed out to their old battered van. Lisel had always wanted more. What? She didn't know. Just more!
Lisel was just a school secretary and her husband, Jerry, was a pharmacist's assistant. They both knew it was unlikely they'd be millionaires But, Jerry and Lisel loved each other so 98% of the time finances didn't matter, however during the holidays, money always mattered.
Lisel hated her sister. She was a prominent influencer and married to a cardiac surgeon. Lisel's sister had proposed they go on a Disney Cruise for the holidays. Lisel knew the only reason for the Disney Cruise was so her sister could get likes and adulation on Instagram.
Lisel knew her family couldn't afford to go Disney Cruise. Lisel also believed that Disney Cruises were Hell on Earth ---that was DOUBLY true at Christmas time! Disney Cruises just had too much fake cheer. Lisel was a generally happy person--she just hated having fake cheer thrust upon her by fictitious cartoon characters.
Lisel didn't want to face the shame and lectures, from her parents, about saving money. They did have money---just not enough for a cruise after all the bills had been paid. So Lisel considered it a Christmas miracle when her husband had lied. He'd told everyone that he became seasick and didn't want to spend the holidays in the Disney Cruise infirmary.
That had happened months ago. Now Lisel pulled up her van in front of Antelope Hill Grade School. She was late as usual. Her twins hoped in, the van.
"Mom, Mom, MOM---Coach Anderson says I NEED to sell more candy this year to help raise money for football, so you have to drive me around to places," said Lisel's son Mark, as he climbed into the ancient van.
"Me too, Mom," said Brian, his twin brother. Brian finished one Snickers bar, tossed the wrapper into the van's backseat and started another. With the amount of candy, Brian ate, he could probably finance the entire football team. Lisel knew she should probably lecture Brian about eating healthy...but if she didn't t eat spinach and tofu...why should her kids?
Children from the 1950s to the mid-2000s had survived on sugar, soda and potato chips SO Lisel knew her kids weren't starving or suffering. Lisel wondered if she'd ever win"Mother of the Year". She hoped she would, but that didn't matter right now. Lisel just wanted to get through the hectic holidays!
Lisel sighed to herself---it was only the first day of November and Coach Anderson already wanted the kids to start selling Christmas candy! Lisel put Coach Anderson on her list of people who she hated and wouldn't save in a zombie apocalypse. She had better things to do than drive her stupid kids around town to sell candy...didn't her taxes already do that?
"So Mom, what are we doing for Christmas this year? It's coming up soon!" questioned Mark excitedly.
Lisel drove her kids back to the house. How the fuck did people already have Christmas decorations up...Lisel hated these people too. They wouldn't be saved in a zombie apocalypse.
"Oh...we're so lucky this year, everyone is coming to our house! Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Dale and Aunt Dianne PLUS Oliva, then your older sister Ashley and her girlfriend Madison," stated Lisel. "Oh...and my great-aunt Muriel is coming too. So that will be eleven of us all together for Christmas. One big happy family!"
Lisel was putting on a facade, one that all parents put on during the holidays. Lisel hated the fact that her home was centrally located. She wished they could live in one of the weird states like Alaska or Hawaii. But, NOT Hawaii---if they lived in Hawaii people would be visiting them all the time. Why couldn't they live in Alaska?
The holidays hadn't even started and Lisel was already stressed. Just once, Lisel would like to have a Christmas all to herself. She would check herself into a nice resort. There she could meet a handsome ski instructor. They would spend their days together, doing everything BUT skiing.
She dropped the kids off at the house. Lisel had Christmas shopping to do. At the Costco in Cheyenne. It was a two-hour trip both ways. That would eat up about six hours of her day! "Fuck" Lisel thought to herself. She just wanted a break...okay if she was brutally honest she wanted the vacation with the young ski instructor!
Lisel grabbed two turkeys one for Thanksgiving and one for Christmas. There was no way her family would eat a single turkey for Thanksgiving. They'd live off the meat till Christmas. Still, it was everyone expected to have a fresh turkey on Christmas day! There had to be the perfect Kodak/Instagram/Better Homes and Gardens picture of everyone having a good time on Christmas day.
Lisel grabbed some potatoes too. Her family no longer allowed her to make instant potatoes. During the pandemic, Lisel's entire family had Covid, but Lisel had to be "the Mom". Since she was sick, she'd mixed up the instant mashed potato box and the dishwasher detergent.
Lisel had made something BUT it wasn't mashed potatoes! She blamed Costco for having their dishwasher detergent and instant mashed potatoes in similar boxes. The potatoes were put into her cart and Lisel bought the Christmas presents and decorations.
Going down Costco's aisles, Lisel noticed that Costco now sold whiskey by the box. (This was another Christmas miracle?) She grabbed three boxes of whiskey and three boxes of wine. It was expensive BUT whiskey and wine only got better with age SO it was an investment?
Also, they could cut back on things no one liked like Brussels sprouts and yams. The yams and Brussels sprouts were expected to be on the table for that perfect Kodak/Instagram/Better Homes and Gardens picture but they weren't eaten and were eventually thrown out!
Lisel checked out and drove home. She was bone-tired. It had been a rough day! The twins and her husband were sitting on the sofa watching Netflix. They were eating chips and Hot Pockets. The food of lazy Dads. She'd been working hard and she was still recovering from the flu. Lisel only wanted to sleep! Instead, she found her "Mom energy"!
"All day long, I work for you lazy kids...you too Jerry, don't think YOU'RE getting out of this! I've been over in Cheyenne picking up everything for Christmas. The very least you could do is empty the dishwasher or toss the Hot Pocket box away. SWEET MARY, JESUS AND JOSEPH! You got Cheeto dust EVERYWHERE...you morons wiped it on your shirts, the carpet, the sofa and even our dog! The whole house is orange! I'm going to have to clean that up tomorrow...NO....you know what I"M going up to have a nice hot bath. YOU three idiots clean something up for once in your lives!" yelled Lisel. Then she headed upstairs to have her nice hot bath. She'd had enough and things were only going to get worse with the holidays.
The three men stared at each other, wondering what to do. Eventually, they managed to clean the house up for Mom. They even vacuumed! It was a small holiday miracle. The next day life went on. Everyone went to work and school. Lisel hated it but everyone was coming to her house.
"We better decorate the house for Christmas, you know PUT up Christmas lights and all of that. We want our house to look cheerful" said Jerry. He headed out to put the Christmas lights on the house.
"Brian, go hold the ladder for your Dad, so he doesn't fall off the stupid ladder and kill himself or something," Lisel called to Brian. She knew her husband could be clumsy and it was slick outside.
"Okay Mom, just let me finish this level," yelled Brian. He was really into his video game.
Suddenly, a scream came from outside. Lisel, Brian and Matt all ran outside. There was Jerry, tangled up in Christmas lights, his arm was obviously broken.
"Fuck! Brian, where were you? You were supposed to be holding the ladder for your Dad! Matt, why didn't you go out to help? Now your Dad's arm is broken! I've got to drive him all the way over to the hospital in Cheyenne to have it fixed! We'll be there all night!" yelled Lisel.
"Sorry Mom, I was finishing my game," stated Brian. He was eating Cheetos and wiping the orange dust on his shirt.
"I didn't hear you, or I would have held the ladder. I don't want Dad to have a broken arm...are we still going to celebrate Christmas?" asked Matt.
Lisel rolled her eyes. It didn't matter what had or hadn't happened. She still had to take her husband to the hospital. At Cheyenne General Hospital, Jerry's broken arm was set. The doctor gave Jerry some Viocden to deal with the pain. Lisel and Jerry arrived home just as the sun was rising. Lisel smiled to herself when she noticed the Christmas lights were on the house. Sometimes, her sons made her proud.
As the small family got closer and closer to December 25th, the days seemed to go by even faster! Lisel's mother and stepfather arrived. Quickly, followed by her brother, sister-in-law and four-year-old niece. Plus, her oldest daughter, Madison and Madison's girlfriend Ashley. Soon all the bedrooms were full. The house was bursting at the seams!
Lisel and Jerry were the hosts. That meant they got to the pull-out sofa, also known as the worst bed in the house! Lisel added the inventor of the pull-out sofa of people not to save in a zombie apocalypse.
