estonian-cake
ADULT HUMOR

Estonian Cake

Estonian Cake

by paralleltasing
20 min read
4.2 (4300 views)
adultfiction
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Ryker, Tommy, and Noe were virgin losers in the final semester of high school. Despite being 18 years old, neither of them had ever even kissed a girl, let alone had any sexual contact with one. The primary reason for this, according to their own theories, was a total lack of trying. To date, they had hoped girls would have noticed them and taken charge, asking them out on dates. But that has not happened, and they are tired of it.

"No more being cowards. No more waiting for the poon to come to us. That changes today," Ryker said to his two and only friends. The boys didn't realize this, but the fact that they called girls 'poon' may also be a contributing factor to their lack of female attention.

"We will not graduate high school as virgins. By the end of May, the whole school will know us as sexual gods," Tommy declared.

"Dude. I don't care what they call us. As long as I have porked some sluts, I'm good," Noe added. Referring to sex as 'porking sluts,' was also not helping their chances.

"We've waited for the girls to come to us, but it's obvious we are too intimidating for that. Let's each pick a girl out and commit to getting a date with them. Come Monday, our goal is to be able to say we each made out with at least one girl," Ryker said, laying out his plan.

"No reason we need to go straight to making them squirt right away. We can take our time and take things slow," Noe said, agreeing with the plan.

"Not that we couldn't get them to fuck us if we wanted. Cause we totally could. In fact, we'll have to make sure to dial back our raw sexual appeal this weekend just to make sure they don't jump our bone the second they get us alone," Tommy said, with the other two nodding fiercely in agreement.

Ryker knew precisely who he wanted to ask out. Amber Riddles. She was a cute red-head girl who stood only at about five feet, two inches tall. She was a bit plump, but that made her extra curvy, which suited Ryker's taste just fine. Between classes, he purposely walked by her locker, hoping to catch her there. Finally, after fourth period, she was grabbing some books from her locker, and he knew it was time to make his move.

Despite his self-described 'drip,' Ryker was unbelievably nervous as he approached the 18-year-old high school senior. "Hey poon, I mean Amber. You wanted me, I mean, I wanted to ask you out to the movies tonight. What do you say?" Despite only seeing her not twenty seconds ago, Ryker's shirt was already soaked at the armpits. Although, in his mind, Amber's pussy was probably even wetter after seeing him. Amber's face was emotionless and gave him no hint as to how she was reacting to his proposal. Surely she wasn't thinking about turning him down, right? No, that wasn't it. She probably wasn't used to her panties being turned into the Niagara Falls, as was commonly the reaction women had when he talked to them. He assumed.

She eyed him up and down but spent an extra few seconds looking at his crotch, which was odd. But she made eye contact with him and finally responded. "Sure. Could be fun. Pick me up and 7," she said, closing her locker and walking away. Holy shit, she said yes. Ryker shook his head. He meant that, of course, she said yes. Now, he just needed to figure out how the hell you get a girl to kiss you. Are your teeth supposed to touch, or is that what the French kiss is? Is it normal for a guy to cum his pants during kissing, because that seemed likely based on how he was feeling when he pictured himself kissing her. Ryker had a lot of internet searches to do.

By the time he had to leave to pick Amber up, Ryker had forgotten to do any research and was going in blind to this date. Or, more accurately, he had sat down after school at his computer with the intention of doing the research but got distracted for four hours looking at rather extreme henati porn. However, Ryker told himself that the hentai gave him all the information he needed about how women actually act in the real world. He was all set for his date.

"Thanks for picking me up. So what movie are we going to see," Amber asked as she climbed into the passenger seat.

"They just released the re-mastered version of Dude Where's my Car. It was over forty-eight minutes of new footage and digitally replaced Ashton Kutcher with Orlando Bloom. You're in for a real treat," Ryker said excitedly.

"Oh... wow. Sounds like... a movie," Amber said in a tone that he didn't pick up on. During the twenty-minute car ride to the theater, Ryker explained in detail every new addition to the movie she should expect to see and about his fan theory about how the movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world that's entirely in the head of Seann William Scott's character, even though he is in purgatory. Amber was on her phone the whole time, likely fact-checking the amazing information that Ryker was telling her.

Inside the theater, the horny teenage boy debated when he should make his move and kiss his date. Certainly not during the trailers, where he loudly announced the names of every actor and actress he recognized. Also not during the legendary opening scene of the movie either. And he would be an idiot to miss the... crap. Ryker realized every scene of this movie would be criminal to miss. But love required sacrifice, so he decided to make his move. He had also seen this movie three times this week already with plans to go twice more tomorrow, so it was okay.

Ryker stretched his arms into the air and slowly spread them out so they fell right on Amber's shoulder. She turned to him and smiled excitedly, and the young man knew he was about to get his first kiss. Amber leaned into him, but instead of kissing him, asked, "You want a blow job?"

Ryker must have misheard and asked, "What did you say?"

"I asked if you wanted a blow job. That's why you put your arm around me, right? Because you want to feel my lips running up and down your cock in this theater?"

The young man thought about what in the world he may have said or done that gave Amber the impression he was looking to do such an act. "No. I would never ask you to do something like that. I was just hoping for a kiss," he explained.

"Oh. So after you blow your load in my mouth, you want me to kiss you and squirt the cum into your mouth? I can do that," she said while moving to the floor.

Ryker stopped her. "No! I don't want that at all!"

"Then, after you are done face fucking me and my mouth is full of your potent cum, what do you want me to do with it," she asked, confused.

"I just want to kiss!"

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"Oh, I'm sorry. I get it now. You want me to kiss you with a mouth full of cum but don't actually squirt it into your mouth. Sorry, I watch a lot of hentai porn and get weird ideas in my head. Now get that cock out," she said, reaching for the pants of Ryker. The inexperienced teen pushed her reaching hands away.

"I'm really not comfortable getting oral sex in a public theater. How about we just watch the movie and talk later," he suggested.

"But why else would you take me to this shitty movie if not to get blown during it and have me do provocative things with your cum afterward," the young girl asked.

"You think it's a shitty movie?" Ryker asked, offended.

Amber panicked a bit. "I mean work or art. Greatest movie ever made. I masturbate to it every day. Just tell me what I should say that will result in my tongue tasting your balls in the next two minutes."

A white-faced Ryker turned back to the screen. "Let's just watch the movie. This next part is a new addition where they spend an extra ten minutes looking for the car," he said, hoping his date would stop talking about his cum. Amber let out a 'humph' sound and crossed her arms, looking annoyed. Ryker had always assumed Amber was a quiet, reserved girl, but apparently, she is rather... adventurous.

As the movie progressed, Amber kept stirring in her seat. She eventually reached her breaking point and addressed the issue on her mind with her date again. "What will it take for me to get your sweet-tasting manhood in my mouth right now? There's isn't anything I'm not willing to do. Want me to wear your cum on my face for the rest of the date? No problem. Want to watch videos of me masturbating while I blow you? I have like twenty on my phone you can choose from. Do you need more of an audience watching you orgasm? I have no less than twelve girlfriends that will gladly watch a stream of you getting your dick sucked by me right now. In fact, most of them have been asking me to do just that for them." Amber had a desperate look on her face. She was acting like if she didn't cover Ryker's cock in her saliva, her whole family was going to explode... just like that the plot of that hentai he watched earlier.

"Why do you want to do this so desperately," Ryker asked, wondering if 'Blow Blow Blow Step-Sister and the Eighteen Cocked Penis' was based on a true story.

"Because all the guys in the school are prudes. All I want is to blow guys in public and maybe stick foreign objects in some to-be-determined orifices. It's a very standard female fantasy, but every guy gets all squeamish. I thought you might be different, but I guess I was wrong. The only time I've gotten anyone to do what I want is that one time when I paid that homeless guy like five hundred bucks. And even then, he complained the whole time I blew him inside that cafe. By the way, I hope you weren't thinking of taking me to the coffee shop on Fifth Street. Cause I'm a bit banned from it."

"I'm just not ready for any of that, Amber. I'm sorry. Can we just kiss today?" Ryker asked his apparently very kinky date.

"You like tits right? I'll have my tits out the whole time I'm blowing you and fitting a plastic bottle into our various holes." Amber pulled her shirt off over her head, and the naive high-school senior boy was face to face with the first naked tits he had ever seen. With his mind overwhelmed, he panicked and ran out of the theater.

In the hallway, he stopped to catch his breath. "How about a very wet hand job? Would that be okay," a topless Amber said as she ran out of the theater after him. The sight of her giant, bouncy naked tits reignited Ryker's panic, and he continued to run. Amber did not stop nor make any effort to cover herself until he made it to his car, where he sped away. As he did so, he witnessed a still-topless Amber desperately trying to get others in the parking lot to let her taste their cocks.

At home, safe from the eager mouth of his date, Ryker couldn't believe what had happened. He half wondered if it was a dream. However, reading the many messages Amber sent him afterward confirmed it had happened. The messages started off angry, with her calling him a lot of mean names. She then said she would have to spend another night masturbating vigorously to Estonian blow job orgy porn, whatever that is. Her only hope was that her neighbor would catch her again in his shed like last time. She then sent him several long videos of her using various gardening instruments to masturbate with. Finally, she sent a last message asking if he wanted to come over tonight and get blown in her neighbor's hot tub. Ryker declined the invite.

Ryker's first date had been a disaster but in such a weird way. He somehow picked the kinkiest girl in the school for his date. Monday morning, he regrouped with his friends. It was going to be embarrassing being the only one of his three friends who didn't kiss a girl, but he had to face the music. "Oh... hey guys," Tommy said in an unusually quiet tone.

"Hi," Noe said also in a manner that was not reflective of his usual confidence.

The three friends stood quietly before Ryker decided to ask about their dates. "Who did you guys end up going on a date with? I'm assuming you kissed them?"

Neither was quick to respond, but Tommy finally did. "I asked out Harper, who said yes. Of course. The date was... good. She was very... enthusiastic about kissing... and other stuff. But I decided that kissing her wasn't for me. That's totally why I didn't kiss her and not because she pushed me to try and convince other women at the restaurant to let me go down on them while she watched. MILFs in particular...," he said while his words trailed off.

"Same here. I went out with Sara, and she... isn't the type of girl I want to kiss. I just don't understand. The seats at the bookstore were perfectly fine. Why did she want me to sit on her face so badly...," Noe said with a look of horror on his face.

The three of them stood in silence again. In ten years, they would recount these dates to their respective therapist while getting weird erections as they did so. But today, they collectively decided to forget this setback and continue on their goal of getting laid.

"Like we said, kissing is stupid. Let's move on to the real fun stuff and feel up some boobs. This weekend, our goal is to grope our date's chest," Ryker explained.

"But with different girls than who we went out with last weekend," Tommy added.

"This weekend is the big school dance," Noe reminded them. "We'll take them to the dance and finally know what a boob feels like!"

This time, Ryker approached Sandra, a pretty brunette girl who plays varsity soccer. Her chest is on the small side, probably B-cups, but she is fit as hell. She is in his world history class, and he approached her afterward. He felt just as nervous as he did when he asked out Amber but managed to sound extremely confident in his delivery. "Hey, Handbra, I mean Sandra. Would you like to date to the dance this Saturtits? Shit! Saturday, this Saturday. I'm sorry...," he said, nailing it.

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Sandra oddly responded the same way Amber had when he asked her out. She eyed his body up and down but stayed focused on his crotch for a few seconds. Finally, she smiled excitedly. "That would be awesome! Pick me up at 7," she told him. Ryker couldn't believe his luck. In less than two weeks, he asked out two different women, and both said yes. Ryker shook his head. Of course, they said yes. He meant that it would have been shocking if they said no to a specimen like him. They were the luckiest women in the school being asked out by him.

The night of the dance came, and Ryker dusted off the old suit that he had bought for his bar mitzvah last year. He's glad he didn't return it after his parents informed him that bar mitzvahs are for 12-year-old Jewish boys, not 17-year-old non-practicing Lutherans. His parents, to this day, still make fun of him for memorizing all those passages in the Torah for no reason. But tonight, unlike his 17th birthday party, would be a night full of sexy times and not a single tear being dropped while his grandma teased him. Ryker picked up Sandra at her house. She was wearing a sexy, form-fitting black dress that made her ass look fantastic. It also showed off just a hint of cleavage, giving the horny teenage boy a sneak peek at what he would be getting his hands on tonight.

When they arrived at the school, the dance was well underway, and they immediately headed to the dance floor. Ryker realized he didn't have a fucking clue how to dance, and the five hours of hentai porn featuring women growing penises to fuck other women that he watched today didn't teach him anything about dancing either. So Ryker decided to shake alternating parts of his body, hoping that it looked enough like dancing. After a few songs, the young man decided to make his move, but he needed the right song for it. He approached the DJ to make his request.

"I need you to play the theme song to Sekaiichi Hatsukoi," Ryker commanded the DJ.

"I have no idea what that is," the DJ replied.

Ryker rolled his eyes. God forbid this school hires a decent DJ for once. "Fine, then just play Sasaki to Miyano's theme." The DJ stared at him blankly. "You're kidding? Listen, man, I'm hoping to touch a girl's boob once or twice, and I need a song to get her in the mood for a slight tit graze. You have to have the theme to the legendary anime Umibe no Γ‰tranger, right?" Ryker pleaded with the amateurish disc jockey.

"I'm just going to play 'It's Getting Hot in Here' so you'll leave me alone kid," the man said as he put the song on. Ryker returned to his date furious. How was a rap/pop song like this supposed to get a girl in the mood to touch bodies with a guy?

Sandra's eyes lit up when she saw Ryker return, and she ran up to him. "Did you ask the DJ to play this song? I fucking love this song. It totally gets me in the mood to have parts of my body touched by a dude," she said as she directed his hands onto her hips.

"Yeah, I totally did. The DJ was insisting on playing theme songs from weird animes where guys kiss each other. But I stopped him and made him play this song about a room with insufficient air conditioning capacity."

As the song progressed, Ryker struggled to find the courage to make his move and touch one of his date's boobs. However, Sandra caught him staring at her chest. "You want to touch them, don't you," she asked him.

The inexperienced high-schooler was taken aback by this accurate accusation. "What? No! Why would I ever want to touch that? Those are for feeding babies, not male satisfaction," he yelled out in confusion.

Sandra laughed. "Would you like to go somewhere and get your hands on them?" Holy crap, this was actually happening. Ryker had planned on lying about touching a boob to his friends next Monday and then eventually finding the courage to hire a hooker to let him touch their chest when he reached his late thirties. But this was way better. He nodded, and she took him by the hand and led him out of the gym.

He wasn't sure where she was leading him but was shocked when she pushed open the door to the ladies' restroom. Ryker stopped and resisted the pull of his date's arm. "I can't go in there. I'm a boy. Wait, you did realize I'm a boy when you agreed to this date, right," Ryker asked, unsure if he was ready to get into a lesbian relationship.

"Trust me. It's a lot more sanitary doing this in the girl's room rather than the boy's," she said before pulling him in. How did she know that? And what exactly were they going to do?

Inside the restroom, Ryker was relieved to see there were no women with their vaginas out at the female urinals. Actually, he didn't see any female urinals at all, which is weird. But Sandra pulled him into a bathroom stall and sat him on the toilet. Did she want to watch him poop? Thankfully, that didn't seem to be the case, but Sandra did pull her panties down from underneath her dress. "What's going on? Why did you take off your underwear?" the teenage boy cried out, confused about the situation.

"You want to feel up my tits, right?" Ryker's mind raced as he worried he had misunderstood what female body party the word tit had referred to his whole life. But he had seen too many anime girls cry out to be titty-fucked after their female best friend spontaneously grew a penis for him to be mistaken.

He nodded his head to this now bottomless date. "Well, then, you're going to fuck my ass while you do so," she said.

"What... what... what...," Ryker mumbled as he struggled to process Sandra's words.

"You're not one of those guys that thinks you can get away with groping my tits without simultaneously stretching out my ass with your cock, do you? I fucking hate guys like that. You can't tease a girl's nipples without loading up her colon in cum. That's not a healthy way to start a relationship," she said, getting mad at me.

"I'm not ready for anal sex. I'm sorry," Ryker admitted.

Sandra rolled her eyes. "Fine then. I'll pinch your nipples while I stick something up your ass. But I get next, okay?" She said, reaching for his pants.

"No butt stuff! I'm not going to do that!" He said with a few tears forming in his eyes.

"Whoa, okay. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were so sensitive. It's okay...," she said, taking on a calming voice. Hearing her tone calmed Ryker down. They seemed to have some miscommunication that they had now resolved. "How about this? I'm going to send you several dozen close-up pictures of my pussy that I took today in anticipation of our date, and you send me your latest dick pics. Sound good?"

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