From: "Doug.xxxxâ
To: "Bobbie,yyyyyy"
Sent: Saturday, August 10, 2002 9:16 AM
Subject: Do I Look Stupid?
This gets a little complicated but try to follow me. Lania, a friend of Erikaâs, has a boyfriend Dirk who works with ex-convicts returning to society after serving out their term in prison. Now, Dirk has one of his âclientsâ, who is getting out of his halfway house, who needs a place to stay until arrangements can be made for an apartment of his own. So, Dirk asks Lania to ask Erika to ask me if I can put this guy up for a day or two.
So, I asked Erika if I looked gullible or just plain stupid. Why would I want to do a thing like that? Just Great!! An ex-con in my apartment! I mean Iâve got two TVâs, a DVD, a CD, a computer, to speak nothing of other things laying around like my money, my checkbook, and my credit cardsâand my baseball card collection. Geez! It doesnât take a genius to figure out all that stuff would be as good as gone.
And, of course, my luck would be that, on top of being an ex-burglar, this guy is some reformed ax murder who owes his freedom to his spiritual conversion to the Kult of the Kosmic Kumquat, who burns incense, and chants in Urdu, while honing his ceremonial paring knife on a whetstone made of pumice from the volcano of Kali west of Krakatoa!
Noooohoooohoooo Way! The Birdman of Alcatraz is just going to have to find another roost.
So, I told Erika to tell Lania to tell Dirk to tell Mr. Charlie Manson, âThanks but no thanks.â
Of course, Erika added, âYou are just being a socially irresponsible poop! Youâve got a good job, money, and things. And this guy is just trying to make it back into society. You can protect all your stuff from this guy for a couple of days if you really wanted to. Besides, I know you think Laniaâs sister is cute and Iâd bet that Lania could get you a date with her sisterâŚif she had the right motivation.â
Oh Maaaaannnnnn!! Lydia? My groin begins to ache just thinking about her. Now, Lania is goooood looking-- black hair, dark eyes, smooth skinâand not dumb either. But Lydia? Lydia, Lydia, Lydia has the same black hair but shiny, jet-black; and she has the same dark eyes but sparkling and laughing; and she has the same smooth skin but creamy and tanâand Lydia is a lawyer. Canât be too dumb and still be a lawyer!
What should I do? I donât want to wind up dismembered in some lettuce crate in some vacant lot behind a billboard. But Lydia? Oh Maaaannnnn!! What should I do?
From: "Doug.xxxxâ
To: "Bobbie,yyyyyy"
Sent: Monday, August 12, 2002 9:00pm
Subject: More Info
Well, I did what you suggested. I followed up with Dirk about this guy he wanted to âplaceâ. And I made sure I told Ericka that I was going to talk to Dirk. I figured that even if I didnât let my apartment become a home for the homeless, I would be showing that I made a good faith attempt at being a socially conscious altruistâat least enough of a showing to prompt Lydia to go out with me.
I met with Dirk at the County Court House. He isnât actually employed by the County or by the Courts; he really works for a community outreach program. But he spends a lot of time in court because that is where he makes all of his contacts. He is a rather interesting fellow, too. He is a former priest with a law school education. What a combination! He doesnât practice law because he hasnât been able to pass the bar and he isnât affiliated with the church anymore becauseâwell, he was pretty frank about itâbecause when he was a priest, the church expected him to be celibate. He said that his sex life was too important to him to be dictated to by a group dried up old men who didnât remember what sex was all about.
He met Lania through Ericka, who works for the probation department now. Part of what Erika does is to make sure that people, who as a condition of their probation are required to be tested for drugs and/or alcohol use, actually show up to take the tests. Lania works in the documents section of one of the âPee Labsâ and so has a lot of contact with probation officers and the like. My sister knew Dirk because of his involvement in placing prison parolees into outside living situations and, interestingly enough, also knew Laniaâs sister, the fabulous Lydia, because Lydia handled clients who were on probation. What a snug little group! I guess they didnât see any conflict in socializing with each other.
Dirk looked like a neat freak to me. I mean he dressed impeccably! He didnât dress formally; in fact, he dressed rather casually. But he was spotless, groomed up, and shined up. He wore black, which surprised me once I found out that he had once been a priest. But the black was not a clerical black; it was more of a Ninja blackâvery Zen. He was soft spoken, as one might expect of an ex-priest, but he exuded raw sexuality. Whatever that indefinable quality wasâanimal magnetism, pheromones, charismaâeven I could tell that sex was not far from this personâs thoughts at any given time.
So I asked him what the deal was with his little work in progress. He was pretty straightforward. He said that Gary, the ex-convict, had been in State Prison for three years not for rape or murder; not for robbery or burglary; but because of an unfortunate incident involving a political demonstration where some people got hurt. It so happened that Gary, while organizing and conducting an illegal street march, had sabotaged some traffic signals. In the ensuing confusion, several traffic accidents occurred causing dozens of personal injuries and tens of thousands of dollars in damage private and public property. Gary, who faced a welter of criminal charges, pled as best he could but wound up going to prison for three years nevertheless.
Dirk assured me that Gary was not a danger to anyone. He wasnât a doper or a drunk, didnât mug helpless women, nor did he molest children. The man was simply a zealot for a cause that led him to make some unfortunate, albeit costly, mistakes. In fact, Gary, who had worked for the IT department of a huge corporation, had already lined up a job working in the same field but for a much smaller company.
I asked Dirk why Gary wouldnât be staying with him. He said there were a couple of reasons. One was that it wouldnât be proper from a professional standpoint--liability issues you know; and, two, Dirk had just moved in with Lania a month or two before
--something I didnât know aboutâand having a âclientâ staying with him probably wouldnât sit well with Lania. I allowed as how that made sense about Gary not staying with them.
But Dirk reinforced with me that everything was going to be cool but that if anything happened, if I would up missing so much as a toothpick, Dirk would make good the loss.
So I told Dirk that it was OK for Gary to bunk at my place for âa fewâ days. I insisted on the understanding that a âfewâ days would not amount to any more than two weeks. Dirk agreed. He said he had Gary already set to move into an apartment on the first of the month--16 days was pretty close to two weeks. No Problem at all.
We shook hands. I felt much better about the whole thing. I also felt that I was doing my share to be a socially responsible adult to say nothing of burnishing my reputation with the likes of Erika, Lania and, especially, Lydia.
I will let you know how this all turns out.
From: âDoug.xxxxâ