Duel

Maple Springs was the sort of place that most folks passed through on their way to somewhere else. It was a small town situated ten miles from the Canadian border, quite a distance from Utah, consisting of just three buildings. Jailhouse, bell tower and a saloon bar. It had been Sheriff William Cain's home for the past five years.

As Cain strolled into town after three days away everything looked in place. As he finished unlocking the jailhouse he noticed a strange flag hanging outside the saloon. The Stars and Stripes had been replaced by a red cross on a white background. Cain strode over to the saloon to seek out Claudine, the busty barmaid, who he had been courting on and off for four years.

Finally after searching for ten minutes, there she was, his angel of the morning. Claudine was upstairs in the ballroom, stood behind the bar polishing glasses. The ballroom had a modest sized dancefloor that was surrounded by tables and chairs and a jukebox. The jukebox had been a gift to Claudine from Cain for Valentine's Day just gone. It was a strange machine as it would only play twenty four songs.

'What's going on with the flag outside Claudine?' Cain enquired.

'Oh Will, that's for the St George's Day celebration happening later on today and anyway you're back a day early.' Claudine explained.

'How could you allow this to happen?' Cain asked quizzically.

'Well the English fella paid in cash up front and he tripled my hourly rate.' Claudine beamed.

'That's dirty cash you're earning Claudine.' Shaking his head Cain left and returned to the jailhouse.

As Midday approached Cain suddenly heard the sound of metal clanking outside. He peered out through the downstairs window but could only see a shadow in the middle of the road. Cain went and stood outside on the porch to get a better view. There outside the saloon was a figure clad head to toe in armour standing six foot tall.

Cain took an instant dislike to the stranger and muttered under his breath, 'This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us.'

Sensing Cain's hostility towards him the stranger decided he needed reinforcements. He strode purposefully over to the bell tower and picked up the extremely long rope dangling from the bell. As he struggled to find the end of the rope, Cain looked on glancing at his pocket watch, shaking his head.

After what seemed an eternity the stranger tugged on the rope three times. As the bell of St Mark tolled he turned and faced Cain, raising the middle finger of his right hand as he did so. Realising such a gesture might be considered hostile, the stranger retreated inside the saloon.

In the distance a cloud of dust swirled up to the sky. The rustle of tin foil and trampling footsteps could be heard. Cain became anxious, what if Maple Springs was about to be overrun by the swords of a thousand men?

Realising his trusty six shooter was no match for the approaching hoard, Cain retreated inside the jailhouse and watched as nineteen knights clad in silver foil chain mail with matching cardboard swords and shields marched into town.

With safety in numbers the stranger came out and stood by the knights. They all greeted him to a man, 'Hail Ironclad.'

Before entering the saloon further chants were heard as they all stood looking up at the flag. 'Hail St George. Hail England!'

What could he do alone? Cain's thoughts turned to his French ancestor, Joan Of Arc, whose ashes he kept in an urn on his desk. They had been passed down through the generations of his family and were a prized possession. What would she have done? She had experience of fighting Englishmen.

The ghostly figure of a waif like teenage girl in armour stood before Cain. 'I cannot help you, I was barbecued by the English in the fifteenth century. Anyway St George fought a dragon, not the French.' With that she vanished into thin air.

Maybe Cain should try and round up a posse? He did not want a repeat of the trouble that happened in Los Rancheros, the neighbouring town, nowhere near Bromley, two years ago. What he really needed was a sharpshooter. Someone like Josey Wales.

Cain's thoughts were interrupted by a gruff voice. 'You imbecile, I am an actor and director in my eighties and in real life I can't shoot for toffee. You need to get hold of Sgt Baker and his boys.' Cain pondered Clint Eastwood's words carefully.

Sgt Baker was in charge of the Canadian National Guard and would have the necessary firepower. Time to send an urgent telegram. Cain's message read, Urgent help required, Maple Springs overrun by Englishmen. Bring weapons and a dozen men. I predict a riot.

An hour passed. Suddenly a minibus with a maple leaf on the side drove into town. Sgt Baker and thirteen of his finest deputies appeared from the vehicle. Cain rushed from the jailhouse to greet them. 'We got your wire and got here as quickly as we could. The avenues and alleyways of Vancouver had to be made safe first.' Sgt Baker explained.

Cain told Sgt Baker the full situation at which point he put his head in his hands. 'Darn we thought you had a serious riot going on here. We've brought full riot gear and plenty of rubber bullets. We can only use weapons against armed criminals, not unarmed civilians!'

It was at this point that Tate and Lyle, two of Baker's most eagle eyed deputies, pointed to a hand written banner in the upstairs window of the saloon. AM TRAPPED NEED RESCUING C.

Cain's thoughts turned to his beloved Claudine, she was trapped with these phoney knights. He had to do something. Cain, closely followed by Baker, strode back into the jailhouse and made his way to the back office. I have just the thing in here that will sort them out for good,' said Cain as he unlocked the cupboard stood against the back wall.

As Cain stood looking at the metal cased object on the middle shelf, Baker began to shake his head. 'Jeez Cain, you're going to detonate an atomic bomb in a town this size?'

This was indeed a drastic solution to the situation. True it would rid Maple Springs of Ironclad and his cohorts but Claudine would also perish. Baker, still shaking his head added, 'It's the end of the world for sure!'

Thinking better of it, Cain locked the cupboard and they walked out of the office together. 'Ok we need to rescue Claudine, chase the knights out of town and blow up the saloon so nothing like this happens again. I can rig up a homemade bomb using sticks of dynamite and my alarm clock, but we need someone skilled in the use of extreme ways to rescue Claudine. Know anyone Baker?'

'Don't worry Cain I can call a good buddy of mine and he will soon be on his way.' Baker said reassuringly. An hour had passed by when Jason Bourne casually strode into the jailhouse.

'I hear you fellas could use a hand?' Bourne said oozing with confidence. After Cain had explained the situation to him, Bourne went upstairs and whipped out his x-ray vision binoculars. After surveying the saloon for ten minutes, Bourne returned.

'Ok guys I have checked out the saloon and everyone including Claudine are now upstairs. Every piece of armour and cardboard has been discarded and left downstairs. Baker, you and your men create havoc in the ballroom, I'll rescue Claudine and when we are all clear you set the timer on the bomb Cain.' Bourne made it sound so simple.

Baker and his men took up their positions downstairs in the saloon whilst Cain positioned the bomb on the outside of the saloon. He knew his roll of Gorilla tape would come in handy one day! Once Bourne was in position on the roof outside the window Baker and his boys rushed up the stairs into the ballroom.

After a short standoff, Baker issued the knights an invitation, 'Let's Dance!' Fisticuffs soon broke out between the knights and the National Guard. Tables and chairs flew around at all angles. It was beyond belief that the jukebox and the glitter ball remained unscathed. The front window was not so lucky and had perished as several chairs were hurled in that direction.

Cain was standing in the middle of the road and watched as several chairs came hurtling through the window and landed at his feet. As he looked down at them he could hear the sound of the glassware behind the bar being destroyed. He nodded his head and thought to himself, I love the sounding of breaking glass.

Ironclad had taken Claudine hostage and they were both standing by the jukebox safely out of the way. As the ballroom blitz continued, Bourne entered through the window and strode over to Ironclad. 'You're going to wish you'd kept your amour on.' With a single punch to the jaw Bourne knocked Ironclad flat on his back.

Claudine, impressed by what she had just witnessed exclaimed 'Oh yeah.'

Even though Ironclad had been felled the knights continued to battle on bravely. Eventually their stiff upper lips began to wobble like jelly. Ultimately they were no match for the National Guard and had to surrender.

Baker and his deputies led the knights out of the saloon. With Claudine holding his right hand and Ironclad over his left shoulder, Bourne was not far behind. Now for the final part of the plan.

Cain set the timer on the alarm clock to go off in two minutes and ushered everyone to stand twenty paces back. It was at this point that the knights, dragging Ironclad behind them, beat a hasty retreat and fled out of town. They were last seen on a road to nowhere. Tick, tick, boom. The saloon was reduced to a thousand wooden pieces as a fireball ripped through it. Miraculously the jukebox was thrown clear by the blast and landed in the middle of the jailhouse porch.

After admiring his handiwork Cain turned around and discovered that Baker and his men had left and Claudine was just about to depart with Bourne. 'Where the hell are you going Claudine?'

The response was blunt and to the point. 'Well I'm now out of a job thanks to you, you son of a bitch. You didn't even rescue me! For fuck's sake Will, it's Matt Damon!' As Cain's heart sank down to his boots, he could see his crushed spirit in the sky, floating away.

As Cain's crushed ego finally left his body, he watched Claudine and her new beau walk off into the sunset. Cain entered the jailhouse and rummaged in his bottom desk drawer until he found what he had been looking for. He walked over to the jukebox, pressed D,ONE then brought the sledgehammer down on the jukebox.