Cupid Retires

No sex. Just a light hearted short story about cupid. Thanks to 'Techsan' for his editing prowess.

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I knocked on the doors of one of the nicest castles in the world. It was answered by a beautiful lady but what else would you expect when knocking on the castle door of Venus, the goddess of love. I was there to inform her of some not so good news. I asked the lady at the door if she would please get Venus for me? She replied, "Whom should I say is calling?"

"Saint Peter. I think she is expecting me."

She asked me to come in while she informed Venus that I was there. I sat on one of the many love seats in the parlor.

"Well, look who's here. I was kind of expecting you, Peter. It is alright to just call you Peter, isn't it?"

"Of course. I think you know why I'm here, don't you, Venus?"

'Yes, it's getting near Valentines day and you are worried about Cupid again. I did have a talk with him and I know he's doing a lousy job but he's been with me for so long. I hate to be the one to tell him he has to retire."

"Venus, we should have gotten rid of him fifty years ago at least. His mistakes and miscues have hurt us dearly. Since 1950 our gay community has gone up thirty percent. What was his reasoning for this?"

"He told me that the way the girls and boys dress anymore he couldn't tell them apart. So when he thought he was shooting at a couple, it ended up being a two guys. Also he didn't understand sports very well and he saw two guys patting each other on the ass and thought that they were in love so he shot them with an arrow."

"What potion is he using? Is it still the 'Love potion number nine' from the fifties?"

"Yes, I just can't get him to try anything new. I told him to start using 'White Diamonds" by Liz Taylor. That stuff must work great. Look how many times she's been married. All these guys of different ages fell for her. He just says he'll try it but doesn't."

"How long does his potion last?

"Six months. That's why no one seems to stay together very long. He shoots them with an arrow in February, then the couples get married in June. Then by August the marriages start falling apart."

"Well. Venus, I think he likes Hollywood too much also. He seems to be shooting up a storm there, but none of the marriages last. I think his problem is he doesn't know fantasy from reality. He goes to the studios where they are making films and sees all this love making and shoots arrows at everyone. They all think they are in love and start marrying each other and making babies. After six months the potion wears out and they find they didn't love each other at all. Then they make a new movie and it starts all over again."

"Good point, Peter. I think that was the problem with so many lesbians also. Hugh Hefner invited him to the playboy mansion. He got all wrapped up with the women in the showers and all the women having their pictures taken and making calendars together that he went wild with his arrows there also."

"We need someone more conservative. Someone who can shoot a straight arrow. Cupid's missed shots cost us pretty dearly the last few years. Remember he was supposed to shoot Hillary but instead shot Monica and the president had all that explaining to do."

"Peter, we can't totally blame that one on Cupid. He didn't know who was under the desk. Do you have any ideas who to replace him with.?"

"Well, someone like Spartacus who could really shoot a straight arrow would be good. Or Robin Hood was a pretty good shot also. What do you think?"

"Spartacus was played by Kirk Douglas and I think he's too old already. Besides I don't think he'd wear a diaper. As far as Robin Hood goes, he was a good shot but he was a thief. I don't think the man upstairs would want a criminal as our Cupid. Besides I don't like the idea of our Cupid running around in green tights."

"You're right, Venus. I don't like the diaper idea anymore either. A grown man running around in a diaper doesn't give a very good image. Besides, Cupid had gotten so big we had to come out with 'Depends', the giant diaper. Now we have a lot of people using them. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. I picture a mature couple going out and when they get ready to get intimate they both have on diapers. I think that would kind of kill the mood."

"Peter, I got it! I have the perfect Cupid."

"You seem awfully excited. Who are you thinking of?"

"Mel Gibson! He'd make a great cupid. The women would love him."

"I think the guys would like him also. He played in a lot of macho roles. Also he is conservative enough. He made that one movie about the last days of Jesus Christ. Also he started his own church. I think the man upstairs really liked it."

"Remember, Peter. He shot the bow and arrows in a number of his films. The third world countries would like that he's not from the United States. You know he's from Australia and the American people like the Australians. Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise and the crocodile guy, what's his name?"

"Paul Hogan, I think he would be a good second choice."

"Yeah, that's him. Well, they are all from Australia. Peter, I don't think Mel will wear the diaper though. We need something different. Can you think of anything he might wear?"

"Wow, Venus that's a hard one. We don't want a diaper or tights."

"I got it!" Venus yelled out. "He can wear a loin cloth. He would look good in a loin cloth. Boy would he look good in a loin cloth."

"Okay, Venus so it's up to you to ask him. If you wear some of that 'White Diamonds' you were talking about, I'll bet he couldn't refuse you. After all you're the Goddess of Love."

"What about our old Cupid? I kind of like the old guy, diaper and all. What should I tell him?"

"Let's see, you said he would probably like a part-time job. He loves to be around people so I have the perfect job for him. He could be a greeter at the 24 hour WalMart of his choice."

"Besides that he can collect Social Security and Medicare and we will give him a watch for all his years of service."

"Wow, I'm sure glad we solved that problem before Valentines day."

"Venus, I have a few minutes to spare. Would you like to find out why they changed my name to Peter?"

Just a short story. We all need to smile once in awhile.

Thank you

DG Hear