For Your Viewing Pleasure 6

I Dream Of Jeannie's Beaver

(The unaired final episode)

"Jeannie! The other astronauts are going to be here any minute. Where's all the refreshments?"

"But, Master, you haven't given me *my* tablespoon of liquid refreshment yet today."

"Argh, there's no time for that now. After they're gone, OK? And, why are you wearing that ratty old outfit? The top is three sizes too big - when you bend over they can see *everything*".

"I am sorry, Master. I thought you enjoyed it when the genie slips out of the bottle now and then."

"And the elastic in the waistband is shot - look, it's slipped down and half your... oh, I don't have time to argue, just get rid of it."

*blink*

"Jeannie!!! I meant wear something else!"

*achoo* *blonk*

"Oh dear, Master. I seem to be coming down with *another* cold. My spells have suddenly stopped working."

*dingdong*

"I'll get it."

"Jeannie!!! NO."

"Master, it's only Major Healy."

"I said no, Jeannie, don't open the do... come in, I guess, Rog."

"Oh, hi Jeannie. You look different today. New turban? Shade of lipstick?"

***

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The Big Bang (In Theory, Anyway)

1:

Sheldon: My, that Mike's Hard Lemonade was tasty. Now I'm worried I'll be putty in your hands.

Amy: Lemonade? I'm hoping for something with a little more structural rigidity.

[laughter from audience]

Sheldon: That would be more Howard's department.

[a few chuckles]

Amy: Tell me something I don't already know first-hand.

[loud laughter]

2:

Sheldon: My Meemaw told me that women who do this are prostitutes and will all go to Hell.

Amy: Sheldon, fellatio is a very common variant. Surely you didn't get all your sexual information from your grandmother.

Sheldon: What my *mother* said about blowjobs was even worse.

[loud laughter]

3:

Amy: According to the most recent research, your phallus is 18% longer than the median, and is 5% greater in girth. Which, for a man of your height, puts you solidly... below expectations.

[murmurs of laughter]

Sheldon: Your mammaries aren't that great either, sister.

[laughter]

Amy: Acknowledged. However, I offer the countervailing inducement of copious pubic hair girding my loins. Luxuriate, while you suckle.

[loud laughter]

4:

Amy: I have carefully measured my body temperature for the past 72 hours, using the rectal method for accuracy. I estimate that there is a 4% chance of ovulation at this moment, a 12% chance tomorrow morning, 47% tomorrow evening and 93% by Sunday morning. My reproductive system is like a Swiss train, Sheldon. You'd best get with the schedule.

[laughter]

Sheldon: For what purpose? To achieve fertilization, or to avoid it?

[murmurs of laughter]

Amy: It doesn't matter. When I'm horny, I always lie through my teeth anyway.

[loud laughter]

5:

Sheldon: According to the Relationship Contract, I am required to provide anal stimulation to you on alternate Saturday nights only.

Amy: And according to the Blue Balls Amendment, if you don't get that butt plug into me pronto, your prostate is going to be swollen until next Saturday at the earliest, from lack of discharge.

[laughter]

Sheldon: I was unaware of that rider.

[scattered chuckles]

Amy: I just added it.

[murmurs of laughter]

Sheldon: But to no avail. Section Seven Point Two-B expressly permits self- pleasure on weekdays. Bazinga.

[laughter]

Amy: Very well. Hand me the oversize dildo and Vaseline, and I'll do it myself while you eat me.

Sheldon: I've always wondered about that phrase. One does not actually consume anything during cunnilingus, except for a few stray juices. One certainly could not derive sustenance from such activty.

[murmurs of laughter]

Amy: I dunno. Stuart must have found it filling.

[murmurs of laughter]

He told me he had no appetite whatsoever for 24 hours after going down on me that one time.

[loud laughter]

Strange that he never asked for another helping on any other of our succeeding dates.

[laughter]

6:

Sheldon: For the life of me, I don't see the purpose in this contraption you have me attached to.

Amy: That's because you're blindfolded. Of course you don't see.

[laughter]

Sheldon: But with my wrists tied above my head, I stand a 4.7% risk of cardiac arrest in the next thirty minutes unless you untie me.

Amy: But you'll die happy, I promise.

[chuckles]

Sheldon: But my work on string theory is not yet complete. I do not wish to...

Amy: Bazinga.

Sheldon: Oh my.

[laughter]

Amy: Bazinga.

Sheldon: Oh my YES!

[laughter]

Amy: Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga. Bazinga.

Sheldon: Take me now, Sweet Jesus!

[Laughter]

Oh dear, that was my mother talking there, wasn't it?

[loud laughter]