The Monastery
Get. Get. Get. Get.
āGet me a blanket son.ā
āGet one of the Brothers to drop by my room at 7.ā
āGet another bottle of wine for me young man.ā
I headed down into the wine cellar thinking, āI got your GET right here old man.ā
You have no idea how much it sucks to be raised as an orphan on a monastic planetā¦no idea. All day long, ādo this sonā or ācould you get that for me youngster?ā Running around for a bunch of old farts telling other old farts how to live, what to think. Really, you just have no idea.
After delivering the bottle I headed for the kitchen. Iād barely started my lunch when the building shook. We occasionally had planet quakes; I knew what those felt like. This was different more like an impact. The second time the building shook it was definitely from an impact.
I smiled, because impacts meant uninvited guests, or space pirates, and space pirates meant a break in this otherwise dull and boring life of mine. Pirates had āraidedā the planet many times before. Raided is probably too descriptive a word. It was usually more of a performance and a spectacle then anything else. Oh sure theyād do a little vandalism and take a bunch of wine and food, but that was pretty much it. Sometimes there were accidents and people got hurt but basically if you cooperated everything worked out fine.
Then one of the maintenance staff rolled into the kitchen and he made a sign to the cook with his hands (thumbs held parallel to the ground, tips touching one another, pointed at the ground. Like an upside down triangle or something) and said something that I didnāt understand.
Both of them looked at each other and then looked at me. I didnāt really like the expressions on their faces. Maybe these were some of the more violent pirates. There were stories of pirate raids that got pretty wild. I doubted that anything that exciting would occur on Planet Absolutely Nothing Ever Happens Here!
Needless to say when the cook instructed me to go the maintenance area and wait, I went down to the wine cellar instead. I liked the old cook but I wasnāt about to miss out on any excitement.
I was hanging out in the cellars when the wall opposite me shimmered and then dissolved. I mean one second it was there and the next itās just not there (not that it was destroyed; it just wasnāt there ā right now.) Wow, the space pirates were using a Quantum Beam. Quantum beams will do stuff like that you know. Lots of happy atoms hanging together, just being a wall and then āpoofā theyāre somewhere else. I stood up and faced the non-existent wall, wondering to myself what might happen next, because you never want to get caught in a Quantum Beam ā never. I know these things because we get a lot of ex-military types coming here to figure out the rest of their lives, and they just love to talk and talk and talk.
It was when the wall phased out that I realized that we were really under attack. These were serious pirates and now I was officially nervous. I mean, what if there was an accident (for some reason biological matter doesnāt re-phase very well) and I died? It suddenly occurred to me that I might never see any other place or any other people then what I was used to. And what about all of those other places and those other people that everyone else was always talking about. A summary of my short life passed swiftly before me. I realized that I hadnāt done much of anything.
I mean how could I since Iād always been on this stupid planet!
There was a flash of really bright light and a strong wind seemed to push me up against the wall. I was temporarily disoriented. When I got my bearings I found that I was suspended in mid air. I was still in the same room I was just hanging in the air ā very strange.
And then I heard voices ā strange voices.
And then I saw men ā strange looking men. These men, who I assumed were the space pirates attacking us looked up at me and started talking amongst themselves really fast.
The three strange men who had entered the room I was hanging in were looking up at me. Actually they would have had to look up at me if I was standing on the floor, they were small for men. Theyāre bodies seemed different too ā bigger here, smaller there. Although for some strange reason it felt good to look at them. I mean, I was really enjoying just looking at them.
I was enjoying listening to them too. Even though I had absolutely no idea what they were saying, I was just enjoying the sound of their voices. Everything about them seemed so nice. A thought struck me and I just had to ask them a question.
āExcuse me; I have lived here for my entire life. Could you please tell me ifā¦I mean Iāve never seenā¦are you by any chance āwomans?ā
OK, before you start laughing and roll your eyes you have to realize that I had never met a woman. I mean, this is a monastic planet that only men visit. Of course men talk about women, but itās all very confusing. Some insist that the best part of this planet is the lack of women. Others hold to the opposite view.
Even though Iāve never met a woman I think Iāve got a pretty good handle on what theyāre like ā based on what Iāve heard. This is best summarized in a joke I overheard once. I found that whenever I repeated it, men nodded knowingly. The joke went like this:
āThe Creator of All had pretty much finished making everything and wanted someone to tell Him what a great job Heād done. So He made man in His image and was really pleased with how man turned out. Man and the Creator hung out together and had some really good times. But the Creator had lots to do and went off to go do it. After awhile man was kind of lonely. Man mentioned this to the Creator. Man asked the Creator if He could make another man for man to hang out with. The Creator said that He would take it under advisement.
āThe Creator comes back to man and says He has an even better idea ā woman. The Creator tells man that woman will be the perfect companion, pleasing to look at, pleasant to smell, voice like a soft babbling brook, breasts like soft pillows to rest upon, lips as sweet as honey. She will be easily pleased and eager to please in return. She will cook for you, clean for you, listen to you, and she will be obedient to you. And in her soft embrace you will experience a pleasure so fulfilling that you will call out My Name repeatedly.
āMan was really excited about woman and could hardly wait for the Creator to make her. The Creator says that he all he needs is some of man to make woman.
āSo man asked the Creator, āWhatās this going to cost me?ā
āThe Creator told him, āAn arm and a leg.ā
Man was shocked, thought about it for a moment and then asked, āWhat can I get for a rib?ā
Ok, back to the space pirates. As I was speaking the three looked at some kind of screen, I guess it was a translation device. Then they looked at me as if I was crazy, so I quickly told them my life story, such as it was. Stuck on this planetā¦never having been anywhereā¦never having seen a woman.
That last comment about never having seen a woman seemed to generate a lot of excitement amongst them. They started chattering amongst themselves and I hadnāt the slightest clue as to what they were saying. The three talked some more amongst themselves as I continued to hang in mid air.
One of the women spoke a command and I floated down closer to the floor. Their hands reached out and unbuttoned my robes and pulled them to the floor. The three women cast strange glances back and forth between them ā and then they all nodded.