Cum Gum

I recently was paying for a drink at a local 7-Eleven when a new product on the counter caught my eye: coffee-flavored gum. The coffee-flavored gum really surprised me – not that it existed, but the fact that it had taken this long for someone to finally make coffee-flavored gum.

That set my mind in motion, and very quickly, I conceived of a new product: cum-flavored gum. Of course, that presents its own issues.

First, what would be a fitting name for it? Cum Gum makes sense, since both words rhyme nicely. When I mentioned the idea of cum-flavored gum to a friend, she suggested Snowball and White Spot. But those all seem too "obvious" to me; perhaps Life Gum would be a better choice for a name.

In terms of a logo or a mascot, perhaps a cartoon-style image of a few sperm would be useful. An image of an erupting erection would also make sense. But again, those seem to "obvious" to me; I prefer an arc of white, perhaps against a black background so that it truly stood out and captured the attention of potential consumers.

Marketing such a product, however, could be tricky. Cum Gum would certainly fall into the realm of "adult products," so it could not be sold to minors or displayed where minors might see it. A small display near the register would be fine at adult stores, and perhaps that would suffice – perhaps word-of-mouth advertising would do the rest. Online adult stores could sell it as well, and maybe also include one or two pieces of Cum Gum with each order in the first few months it is available – again, perhaps word-of-mouth advertising would do the rest.

A slogan for this product would be simple: "Have you had your cum today?"

Of course, slogan, marketing, logo, and name all mean nothing unless a company is willing to produce cum-flavored gum... and I highly doubt that the companies which currently make "mainstream" gum would be willing to put their name on the package or in any easily-traceable way underwrite the production and marketing of such an item. Therefore, either a brand-new company with no (traceable) ties to the current gum-manufacturing companies would need to be conceived and somehow fully funded, or one of the current companies would need to create numerous shell companies so many levels deep that people would give up trying to determine the corporate identity of the true producers of cum-flavored gum.

As for the production process itself, numerous samples would be required first. The question here: How would those samples be acquired? Would cryptic ads be posted in newspapers across the country – especially college and university newspapers – for a "casting call" of sorts? Further, how would the dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of samples be funneled down to a few finalists?

And equally as important, who would sample the samples and how would the samplers be selected? In order to ensure that the "tastiest" cum appeals to as wide a range of potential consumers as possible, it would make sense that the group of samplers would be comprised of people of both sexes, from every age range from eighteen to eighty. Similarly, it would make sense that they sample cum from an equally wide-ranging group of individuals... although the providers of the samples would inherently be all men.

...or would they? Both males and females cum, but "cum" when used as a noun is almost exclusively used in reference to the male ejaculate. In fact, WordWeb even defines "cum" (as a noun) as "The thick white fluid containing spermatozoa that is ejaculated by the male genital tract."

Would Cum Gum (or whatever name is chosen) then come in two flavors, two varieties: male-flavored and female-flavored Cum Gum? Would perhaps two different names be required to more easily designate between the two flavors – perhaps Seed for male-flavored and Nectar for female-flavored Cum Gum?

But back to the actual production process. Once a sample (or a male sample and a female sample) has been selected as the "winner," how does the company recreate it scientifically in a manner which is easy to mass-produce? I am definitely not a scientist, so I will not even attempt to tackle this issue.

But once the flavor has been refined and is able to be mass-produced, there is the age-old gum-related question: How long will the flavor last? For the average consumer of Cum Gum, is thirty minutes enough? one hour? three hours?

What about when the consumer has had enough and is done chewing the cum-flavored gum. Would it be proper to insert it into a condom (especially if male-flavored Cum Gum is in question) before disposing of it? Should the wearer instead take the Cum Gum out of the mouth and place it upon the forehead as a new form of a facial?

There is also the interesting scenario of gum with squishy centers: When the consumer first bites into this type of gum, a semi-solidified "goo" rushes out as the casing of the gum is broken by the teeth. Does this mean that for Seed, actual seed would fill the center? While this would certainly be feasible with Nectar, the consistency of female cum is liquid, requiring a gelling process before adding actual nectar to the gum. Yet if actual seed or nectar is used, how could the Cum Gum be kept fresh with as long a shelf life as possible?

Then again, true Cum Gum is not yet a reality, so none of these issues truly matter (yet).