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ADULT HUMOR

Cookies In The Old Folks Home

Cookies In The Old Folks Home

by oneoldfart690
15 min read
4.42 (2700 views)
adultfiction
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This started as a 750 word project, but grew exponentially, as I typed away.

There's no descriptive sex, a hint maybe of what had been in a different time. It is a story of an elderly man's experiences in the assisted living village in which he now resided.

Remember, its fiction, that means it is not necessarily true.

Comment if you wish, but don't tell me off for writing it.

Enjoy the yarn, or not. Its up to you really.

{.....}

My name is Bob, my wife is Merrie, and we were sympathising with Dad and the rest of the family after the expected, but sudden, passing of his wife, my mother, and my wife's mother-in-law, due to a brain aneurysm.

Sudden because we think she had passed before her body had hit the floor of the kitchen from which she had been pontificating about the lack of contribution to the number of great grandchildren numbers, but expected - sort of - as she was 86 years of age, and told everyone and anyone who would listen, that her time on earth was almost up.

As I had pointed out to Mum, Merrie and I had done our bit, contributing three to the cause. The fact that our kids were a bit slow in that regard was nothing that we could resolve, it was entirely up to them.

It wasn't but a few moments after that, that Mum collapsed.

We all helped Dad cope with the sudden transition of having someone who waited upon him hand and foot for so much of his life, to being alone, and as he decried often, 'No-one to keep his feet warm at night'.

My Dad was 87 when Mom passed, and two years had passed since that terrible day. Now he was making noises about going into assisted living. At his home, now without the true love of his life to keep him company, there was a housekeeper, Mrs Johnstone, who came every day at 8.00 am and left usually about 5.00 pm.

We'd hired and paid for her to cook Dad's meals, clean the house, do the clothes washing and all the other things that Mom used to do, except for that one thing which she wouldn't do, not that we asked mind you, because she

was

a married lady (hence the 'Mrs'); and that was to keep his feet warm at night, although she still giggled at Dad when he complained about the cold nights.

It fell to me to search out and suggest a place where Dad could live out the rest of his days.

He didn't want to live anywhere that told him that he was old, and getting older. Any place that had a name including one of the seasons was out - O U T - out.

The place I found was called, oddly, 'Welcome Village" and it was located on the banks of the river which flowed through our town. The village was built on a bay and there was a small beach where the residents could walk and paddle their feet, or if they were feeling especially spritely, swim.

The river was about half a mile wide, and a shipping channel was on the opposite side of the river to the village. The bay was quite shallow for nearly half its width until the bottom dropped away sharply to form the channel. There was a lawn between the village and the river, with trees dotted here and there where the 'inmates', as Dad liked to call them, could sit in the shade and watch the passing river traffic.

One thing I noticed was that there were more women than men in the village by about 2:1, so I knew Dad would never want for company.

After he had been living there for nearly six months, he rang me and asked if I would come and visit that weekend. The request was odd, because we visited every other day when we weren't busy and every second weekend. There had to be something important for Dad to want us to come this weekend.

"Sure," I said, "Is there a problem?"

"No," he replied, "Well, no, not really,..... maybe,..... yeah. Just come this weekend, bring Merrie please, she doesn't need to be left out of this."

We arrived just after 10.00 am, a few minutes before morning tea. We took our cups and found a table and chairs outside where we could look at the ships in the channel, and the sailing boats playing on the water.

While we chatted about nothing really, old memories, and so on, I noticed a woman in her 70s sitting in a chair looking at the river. There was a nurse standing either side of her, ready, it seemed, to attend to her every need when they arose.

Every now and then, she would lean to the left, at which point one of the nurses would straighten her up, tuck the blanket around her legs, and make sure she was comfortable.

A few minutes later, she did the same thing, this time leaning towards her right.

Again, one of the nurses would straighten her up, tuck the blanket tightly around her and ask if she was comfortable. The lady would scowl, and mutter something to herself, and the two nurses would smirk at each other.

I tapped Merrie on the shoulder and whispered to her, "Watch what's going on over there."

"Where" asked Merrie.

"Over there, that lady with the two nurses with her. Watch what happens."

Once again the lady started to lean to her left, and one of the nurses sat her straight up again, tucked blanket in around her, while the old lady muttered away to herself.

Merrie looked at Dad and then me and said, "What is happening with her? Is she likely to fall over, is that what is concerning the nurses. Is she quite frail or something?"

Dad answered, "You know, the first time I saw her do that, I wondered as well. But no, she's quite fit for her age, and is, in fact, a nice lady. Her name is Doris, she's a friend, but not in that way."

"In what way?" asked Merrie.

"You must know, Merrie. You know, 'Friends with Benefits'."

"Friends with....., ohh, sorry, I see. You know Dad, sometimes I think I've led too much of a sheltered life. Well until I met your son, of course. I've had my eyes opened since then, I can tell you. But, Dad, I wouldn't have it any other way now," as she grinned at her husband.

Dad looked at her and grinned, "Well no, I don't suppose you would. I'll tell you this though, Merrie, you are like my daughter to me, especially now with Amy gone. And the best thing ever to have happened to my boy here."

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Merrie blushed, and whispered back, "Thanks Dad. Bob's the best thing that happened to me as well. I really hope we have as long a life together as you and Mum did."

"Mm, anyway, getting back to Doris, I saw her later in the dining room, and I asked her what was going on with her and the nurses."

"You know, she told me, and I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my chair."

"Oh no, Dad, what did she say? I hope you didn't embarrass her," I said.

"No, I don't think so."

"Well come on, spill. What did she say?" Merrie asked.

"Doris told me that she's a widow, and when she first came here, she was shown how wonderfully she'd be looked after. Two nurses with her every day, a nurse on call at night, just to look after her and attend to her almost every need.

"On a nice day, she loves to sit outside and read a book or just look at the river and the boats and ships, dreaming of the days her husband and her would sail, or go on boat trips, and the fun she had during her life.

"Since she has been here at the Village, she's been allowed to go out to the theatre which she loves, day trips, all sorts of things she can do, except for one thing."

I asked her, "What one thing?"

"She told me when she leans left or right, and the nurses straighten her up, it's because when she sits outside, she's not allowed to fart.

We looked at each other, Dad, me and Merrie, and laughed.

"I guess she would be a bit upset as well. I think I'd be annoyed if I couldn't even do that," said Dad with a grin.

He then said, "See that lady over there on the chair under the tree? That's Myrtle, she thinks that every man in this place is her boyfriend; she even has some men visit with her after supper. She has some sort of roster so that she has a different man each night."

"Every night?" Merrie asked, shocked at the thought that an older lady had the energy to entertain a man every night.

"Well, no, not every night. Usually, every second or third night or so. She reckons it's so she can catch up on her beauty sleep between each visit."

"Ookkaaay, and why are you telling us this?"

"She's been trying to get me to join her little club after one of her gentlemen friends, Tommy, passed a few weeks ago. I'm not sure I want to become a part of the club as such, although I might get my feet warm every so often. Although not like your mother did, Bob.

"I tell you; your mother kept my interest up for over sixty five years. God, did she what.

"She never gave me a chance you know. Saw me at college walking to a lecture hall, left her girlfriends right there and marched straight over to me and stated, not asked, 'You are taking me out this Friday, and we'll be together every day and night after that till the day one of us dies. Don't fight it, accept it, do as I say, and we, and especially you, will have all the loving we'll ever need for the rest of our lives.'

"You know, Bob and Merrie, we did as well. That woman loved me, body and soul. And I loved her the same. We would love each other, anywhere, any way, and anytime we could, and if I was bit slow, she'd start us both up. Umm, not in public of course. Oh well, there were a couple of times on our honeymoon, in the water at the beach where we stayed. It didn't matter who started it, it was always fantastic, heavenly and at times, ball busting loving...."

"Dad," Merrie giggled, "TMI."

Dad grinned at us both, "Yeah, probably, but that's where your Bob was made, Merrie, by our love for each other and charging head long into our future."

"Um, yeah, okay. I suppose Amy was made on another of your so-called holiday ventures, was she?"

"No, our Amy was made about four months after you were born, Bob. We'd been given the green light to err, well, you know, resume our loving again, so we did with a vengeance. We'd been to a dinner and dance, and your mother was as horny as hell......"

"Daaddd, TMI" shrieked Merrie, while I almost busted a gut laughing.

"Mm, well, that's when she was made. You know, your mom and I loved you both so much, she was devastated when Amy fell ill with that brain tumour. And when she passed, it was like a huge weight fell on us both, you too, Bob, you cried for days after that. You know, you used to look in her room every night after school. You kept saying you really hoped and prayed that one day Amy'd come home, and she'd be sitting on her bed reading."

"I know Dad, I still miss the sprite. Thanks for remembering that. I still miss her terribly you know," as I wiped a tear from my eyes."

Anyway Dad, what was it you wanted to tell us, aahh, do you want another cuppa, I could do with one now, let me get a refresh for us all, and then we can continue."

I was back in a few minutes with some milk in a jug, and a big pot of tea, "No more interruptions, Dad, just tell us what's on your mind."

"Well, okay. I hope this isn't going to be too embarrassing for you two, but I can't ask the nurses and staff here, and the bloody doctor won't even think about it, not even for the younger guys in their 60s and 70s, so I've no hope of being able to get any. I can't order anything on the internet because it's all monitored, and if there was any thought that any of us were looking at porn or 'self-help' channels, all hell would break loose."

"Ok, so how can we help?" Merrie looked at me with a curious glance, that told me she also had no idea where this conversation was going.

"Well, first you need to get some Viagra."

"Viagra!! What the hell, I'm pretty sure I don't need Viagra, do I Merrie?"

"Thank God, no. And don't even think of getting any either. You're just as, umm, energetic as you've always been, so no. you DO NOT need the little blue pill."

"Right, thanks for the vote of confidence, I think. So Dad, what do you need Viagra for?" I asked.

"You're not thinking of... what's her name,.... Myrtle. Are you going to take up her offer?" asked Merrie with a hint of amusement in her voice.

"Shh, keep your voices down, I don't want everyone here to know what I'm doing or want."

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"Oh, right, sorry, we'll try and keep the volume down to a dull roar."

"So, why the pill? Is it so you can visit with Myrtle, or one of the other fine ladies here?"

"No, jeez Bob, nothing like that."

"Well, you still haven't told us why you want the Via......uh, little blue pill?"

"Well, if I can't get the Vi..... pill myself, I need someone to get them for me."

"Then, when I get the pills, I can get them put into some cookies which I can have here. Everyone will think I'm having a cookie, but it will have that extra added ingredient which will help me no end.

"Cookies........." I exclaimed, "You can buy them at the store can't you?"

"Yeah, No, not really, these have to be special cookies. They'll be an extra special cookie, just for me."

"And where do you get these so-called special cookies from?" I asked, knowing the answer but already regretting the question.

"Well, Bob and Merrie, I was wondering if you could see your way clear to make them for me?"

Merrie looked at Dad with a strange look on her face.

"What do you mean, Dad, what has to be so special about them?"

"Well, first you need to get some Viagra."

"Ok, we get the Viagra, then what?" I asked.

"You're not thinking of taking up with... what's her name,.... Myrtle, are you going to take up her offer?"

"Shh, keep your voices down, I don't want everyone here to know what I'm doing or want."

"Oh, right, sorry, we'll try and keep the volume down to a dull roar."

"So, why the pill? Is it so you can visit with Myrtle, or one of the other fine ladies here?"

"No, jeez, Bob, nothing like that."

"Well, you still haven't told us why you want the Via......uh, little blue pill?"

"Um, don't laugh, it's embarrassing enough as it is. As I've gotten older, and without your mother here to keep my, err, shall I say, interest up, I've found that, umm, my interest has shrunk, and now when I pee, well I can't seem to reach the back of the pan anymore."

"Okay, so if you take one of those pills every time you want a pee, you'll be hitting the ceiling," I said.

Merrie was struggling to contain her giggling, having to hide her mouth behind her hand before she broke out into full scale laughing.

"Okay you two, knock it off. It's not that funny........"

"No, no, sorry Dad," giggled Merrie.

"No, you're right, Dad. It isn't," as I struggled to not laugh as well.

"We're not taking the piss Dad, oh shit, sorry."

I struggled to contain myself, as Dad muttered, "You two will get old one day, and then you'll know where I'm coming from."

"Jeez Dad, I hope I don't have that problem," Merrie whispered.

"Well, no, I guess you are like my Joan, you'd be ahh, sitting wouldn't you?

I interrupted the chat and queried, "Anyway, Dad, you still haven't us why you want the Vi, pills?"

"One of Myrtle's boyfriends breaks his pill into eighths."

"Eighths, how does that help? You wouldn't get a hard, sorry, umm, your interest wouldn't react to an eighth of a pill, would it?"

"Umm, well I'm not really trying to raise my interest up like that anymore, not since I lost your mother anyway."

"So, how does an eighth of a pill do anything then?"

"You mix the eighth of a pill into each cookie you make. So, eight cookies, one tablet."

"Okay, how does that help?"

"Well, I have a cookie with my morning tea each day."

"Right, so...?"

"Well apparently, it's just enough to get a small rise out of my, aahh, interest, I'm hoping anyway, enough to stop me pissing on my slippers."

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