Cheaters Never Lose

A very short meaningless piece about cheating, written in UK English with some Bog Irish thrown in for the craic since it's just after Paddy's Day.

I've put this in Humour/Satire partly for want of somewhere better to park it, but it's not funny, it just definitely isn't serious.

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My wife and I are a despicable couple. Yeah, I admit it, in anyone's eyes that's how we should both be seen. That said we have been very happily married for 13 years and between us we have 4 kids.

So why are we so despicable? Well, we are Jack 52 & Ruth 49, both life-long cheaters, neither of us ever faithful to any previous partner, both previously married, both were the cheating parties in our respective divorces. None of our children lives with us, though we have managed to build goodish relationships with our respective kids, mainly by spoiling them, after previously ruining their family lives.

She has 3 kids, I have one, none of her kids like me, I don't give a fuck, I given the little shits house space when she wants to see them, usually I make myself scarce and go out to see if I can get some slut to give me a spot in her bed for the night. Works for me. My daughter quite likes Ruth but not in any close relationship sort of way, which is definitely for the best as Ruth would be a terrible influence for the decent young lady my 15-year-old daughter is threatening to become.

Much as I love my slut wife, I'd hate my daughter to turn out like Ruth, so add hypocrite to my long list of faults. I mean how fucking bad a slut does a wife have to be for the family court to award custody to her poor schmuck of an ex-husband, who discovered she'd fucked several different guys and stopped caring if he knew it or not. Truth is, having custody would have ruined her lifestyle so she only made a token attempt at custody so her kids wouldn't completely hate her -- just mostly.

We both have great jobs, neither had the slightest problem with our employers over our cheating, possibly because we were not cheating with colleagues, more likely because neither banks nor insurance companies are full of the world's most moral people/employers.

So, we are comfortably off financially, despite both being on the hook for child support, we've never bought a house together, we have not felt the need to complicate things should we ever break up unravelling our joint life will be easy, we have our own cars, own accounts, own savings, own credit cards, just one joint account for household expenses.

So, we are two bastards, selfish to an extreme yet we have been married almost twice as long to each other as we were to our first spouses, so something is working and we almost never fight. We have the idea of happy marriage sussed and yet here is the secret, we don't exactly cheat on each other, but we aren't faithful either and that doesn't bother either of us one iota.

So how do we do it?

Well, before you think we aren't committed to each other, you'd would be wrong, we genuinely love each other, we have both written wills with the other as 100% inheritor of all our worldly goods. We have an unwritten agreement that if it's ever needed, we would look after the interests of the other's kids, but no way will any of the kids inherit directly.

This is what our lives are like; we truly believe in the old saw "once a cheater, always a cheater", so our answer is to just keep cheating, to embrace it and grow up and not get hissy when the other wants some strange.

I like to watch her fuck other people, men and women, she is bisexual, I'm not, I don't have a problem with it in theory, it's just not me. She is more than happy to watch me with some hot bitch and rub one out more often than not.

Just for you "real men", I want to set your minds at rest, I may not mind her fucking other people, but I'm not eating any fucker's cum, I don't want to be humiliated or dominated by a "Bull", I'd break the fucker's nose and ribs, his balls and his kneecaps before I'd put up with that shit, but the most important thing is that Ruth would never ever pull that shit on me.

It's not that I have a pathological fear of cum, I've eaten my own. That happens when I'm a lousy lover and blow a load up her cunt without making sure she comes at least once before I flood her. I'm a big cummer, so it's as well I don't gag on my own, but nobody else's, got it?

I call that being a considerate lover, my bitches cum, full stop, if my cock doesn't do it, my tongue will. Why do you think I get as much pussy as I do? Never leave a bitch high and dry, take my advice motherfuckers. If you need to suck it up, just fucking do it, literally, you will be paid back manyfold, take it from somebody who knows.

Whilst I'm talking to you, I'm in our apartment waiting for her to get home, last night she got involved with a guy and said she was going to fuck him. Normally, I'd have gone with her, for her safety and also the voyeuristic thrill of seeing her banging a guy, but I knew him so wasn't worried about safety and I was tired, so I went home and told them to fuck up a storm and I'd see them later.

That's how we roll, I've zero jealousy about who she fucks, nor her about me with sluts, but although I am happy to watch I didn't last night. Hey, it's not compulsory to watch the slut you are married to get railed by one of her fuckbuddies with a large dong.

And neither does she care about me thinking of her as a slut, she knows what she is, she knows she's a slut and has been since before her first marriage, I love her for it, it's her blatant and unashamed sexuality that made me love her in the first place, she loves to fuck and lives to cum, it doesn't matter if it's a guy or another slut.

Fair is fair and she thinks of me as nothing less than a confirmed pussy-hound or as a friend of hers who is from the North of England described if to her "a fanny rat" and yes, I'd fucked her friend, and you need to understand that in UK the fanny is not the ass, it's the cunt. A joint language separated by a fucking ocean, eh? Strange thing.

And I am a fanny rat, or as an Irish friend of mine once told me, "Yer a hell of a horny cunt, so yee are, you'd get up on a cracked plate ya dirty fucker, yee'd be up at the crack of Dawn & Dawn's lovely so I couldn't blame yee." I love Seamus, in a manly way of course, the ugly big red bearded Paddy, he has some turn of phrase, very funny lad.

So what's the point of telling you this?

Well not much really, just pull your head out of your arse and understand that there are ways to live your life that some feel is "wrong" but they are bullshitters.

Fuck that, don't see things as wrong and right, see fun and miserable, see great sex and great frustration, see that it's possible to love someone without owning them, see what a chump you are by having a hissy fit it someone you fuck needs someone else sometimes and you kill your relationship because of it and yet you can't get over them.

Think that daft bastard you know who shot his wife and her lover and then himself, what a stupid cunt he was, playing God when he should have been playing with himself since he was such a stupid wanker.

Above all, lighten the fuck up, this is not practice, this is your one go at life, try living it, regret nothing and fuck everything with a pulse, works for me, but like I said, no hairy-arsed men for me, I leave them to Ruth.

Now fuck off out of my house, nobody invited you here. Good night.