This is my first attempt in the humor rubric. I would love to hear your comments, either at the end of the story or by email.
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A Blind Date
"It's okay, Sally. We'll go out, get drunk, have a good time," Mary Ann said. She was a good friend, consoling me after that SOB boyfriend had dumped me last week. "We're all dressed up and frankly, girl, you look hot. Sizzling. Like a firecracker."
I knew what Mary Ann was doing, and I appreciated it, even if I was not buying it. I probably did look hot, though. I was wearing my best push-up bra and a dress that hugged my figure almost as much as it hugged my ass, ending just where my ass ended, giving my legs plenty of room to reach the ground.
It's just that I constantly felt like crying. It's not propitious to go clubbing when you're in such a mood. Mary Ann had just attributed my attitude to PMS. In her life, she never gets dumped. Always the dumper, never the dumpee, that's Mary Ann.
My phone rang. "If it's him, don't you dare answer!" Mary Ann screamed.
"Chill. It's my Mom. She has her own ring tone," I said.
I should not have answered, however. It was a Mom emergency. It was a long story involving her friends, favors owed, special circumstances and all that shit. Bottom line: I had a blind date that very night, set up by my Mom. Jesus H. Christ. I did not need this!
What I needed was to go out with Mary Ann, get shit faced drunk, maybe pick up a couple of guys, and get laid. Repeatedly. I needed meaningless, no names please, sex. I did not need a blind date orchestrated by my mother. Nope. Not needed. Definitely not needed.
You couldn't have anonymous sex on a blind date your mother set up. What if he were to be a tell-all and your wanton and slutty behavior got back to your mother? This was totally, exactly, what I did not need! I was doomed.
"You don't need this," Mary Ann said. One of the things I loved about Mary Ann was her incessant ability to state the obvious. My brother called her 'Little Miss Obvious."
Mary Ann did however have the boobs a girl needs to become a guy magnet, and she was great for the planned evening ahead. We'd have two studs eating out of our hands within the first half-hour, with Mary Ann there. She reeked of sex and availability. I typically did not, even if I could dress the part. Damn it to hell and back.
"I'm going with you. We'll go to a club or something, and I'll be right there next to you," Mary Ann said.
"Yeah. For around thirty seconds until some stud hits on you and does you in the men's room," I said.
May Ann giggled. "Are you ever going to forget that, already?" she asked.
"Mary Ann, you did that only last week. You still have traces of your hickey on your right boob, for Pete's sake. I can see it from here."
"I guess I'm a bit of a slut. With big boobs," she said. Yep, I thought. The girl is the master of the obvious. Or is it the mistress of the obvious? Maybe just use my brother's phrase, Little Miss Obvious.
My Mom called again. "He has a strange name. It's something like Urgynoth. I think it must be Slavic or something. He'll be there in two minutes."
"What?" I said. "Two minutes??! You only asked me a minute ago!"
"Yes, well Urgynoth is very fast, apparently. Hey, see where he's from, okay? I can't figure it out," Mom said. Mom is a bit of a linguist. She speaks all the Romance languages, even Romansch, the obscure Swiss one; the Germanic languages; Russian; Hungarian and Finnish; and her specialties are Pushto, Chinese and Japanese. She even speaks Swahili. She's a professor at Columbia University, and that gives her access to a supply of strange people on an ad infinitum basis. Urgynoth, however, seemed like he was going to be one of her strangest.
As I clicked off with Mom, the doorbell rang. I still had to pee and to apply lipstick and perfume, so I asked Mary Ann to get the door. It was Urgynoth. When I made my grand entrance five minutes later, Mary Ann was lost in lust. I could always tell. To say Urgynoth was a hunk would be to flatter hunks. I had never seen before a man who could combine both being handsome and being sexy the way old Urgy could.
I said hello and we exchanged names. Urgynoth as it turns out has a guttural sound and it comes from the back of the throat. It's kind of like that sound your brother makes when he's preparing to spit. Great. I was going to spend the evening sounding like I was about to spit.
"Do you have a nickname?" I asked. "Urgynoth is a bit of a mouthful for a New Yorker, you know," I said, trying to be polite. Spoken properly, it sounds like "uuurrrrrgynaw," which was not something I wanted to try to say too often.
"My friends have been calling me Stud," Urgynoth said. "I don't know why. It's not even close to Urgynoth in sound."
"I know why," Little Miss Obvious said.
I ignored her and said, "How about we call you Stude? It's close to Stud, but it sounds sweeter."
"I like it," Ugynoth said. "Stude it is."
"I like Stud," Mary Ann said. If she were in a cartoon, there would be stars and hearts in her eyes. I was tempted to give Stude (or Stud, or Urgynoth) to her for the evening and simply go to my bedroom and play with my vibrator for a few hours, but my mother would never have forgiven me.
"I thought this was a date just with you, Sally. Why is Mary Ann here, too?" Stude asked.
"It's a long story," I said. "Would you mind taking us both out? We'll probably lose Mary Ann to the first good lucking guy who hits on her at the club, anyway. Okay?"
"She's that kind of girl, is she?" Stude asked.
"She was full of a man's cum after a half hour last week," I said.
