Bad Things Happen To Good People

"We should do something for Earth Day," said Bob, a clerk in a law firm, to his three friends, who sat in their favorite bar drinking green beer on St. Patrick's Day.

"Earth Day? No one celebrates Earth Day," said Mike, an accountant with an accounting firm. "It isn't a real holiday like St. Paddy's Day."

"Yeah, Earth Day is a lame holiday right up there with President's Day and Flag Day," said Sam, an assistant deli manager at a supermarket, before taking another long sip of his beer.

"The only ones celebrating President's Day are car dealerships and the only ones celebrating Flag Day are old veterans like my dad, just as the only ones celebrating Earth Day are people who wear tie-dye t-shirts, smoke dope, and drive VW mini buses on their way to Led Zeppelin revival concerts," said Mike.

"What did you have in mind, Bob? Did you want to plant a tree in celebration of Earth Day," said Charlie with a laugh and a look of interest.

Charlie was the cool one of the group. He operates his own online trading business importing trinkets from China and selling them for huge profits on E-Bay. Because he works from home and his overhead is low, he makes more money than he would had he opened a shop.

"Oh, I don't know," said Bob feeling uncomfortable, no doubt. "I just thought it would be fun to celebrate an obscure holiday that most people don't acknowledge," he said looking around at his three friends and receiving a cool reception to his idea.

"Actually, now that you mention it and the more that I think about it, in this time of global warming and with everyone wanting to be greener, on second thought, celebrating Earth Day does sound like a good idea," said Charlie.

Suddenly, now, because Charlie was onboard with the idea, Sam and Mike would embrace Bob's Earth Day idea, no doubt.

"Yeah, chicks dig that stuff," said Sam. "Maybe we'd get lucky with a hot environmentalist or a sexy naturalist, one who likes to walk around the forest naked or, at the very least, topless."

"Yeah, women are attracted to a sensitive man with a social conscience," said Mike before drinking more of his green beer. "I can see myself hiking naked in the forest with just my hiking boots, backpack, and baseball cap with a hot, naked environmentalist by my side."

"I wouldn't mind spending some 24/7 quality time with a hot naturalist while tied to a tree that a real estate developer wanted to cut down," said Bob. "It would be fun to campout in the great outdoors while trying to save the planet."

"You won't catch me hiking naked through the forest or tying my body to a tree, for that matter. All you need is a wasp bite to make you want to wear clothes," Charlie said with a laugh. "Besides, have you seen some of those environmentalists and naturalists? They don't cut their hair, pluck their eyebrows, shave their legs, armpits or trim their bushes," said Charlie. "They are as grizzly and smelly as the bears they protect."

"Gross," said Bob.

"Nasty," said Mike.

"Still, at a time when there aren't any holidays to celebrate, between Christmas and New Year's and months before the Fourth of July, celebrating Earth Day could be something fun to do," said Sam. "It would get us out of the winter doldrums."

"I have nothing else better to do," said Mike. "It'd be a change to help save the planet instead of helping to ruin the planet."

"I'm always up for some fun," said Bob.

"Yeah, I agree," said Charlie. "Using Earth Day as an excuse for us to take time out of our busy schedules and do something good, as our part to help save the earth, could be fun."

"We should think of something we could do as a group activity," said Bob. "If nothing else it will give me something to talk to Sheila about, the receptionist at my office. She's into saving the earth and she's hot. She wears clothes made from hemp." He looked at his friends while raising his glass in a toast, "I'd like to smoke her, if you know what I mean."

"Group activity? What are you a Boy Scout? You all know that I'm not much of a team player. I do love to compete, though, so long as it's an individual competition," said Charlie with a devious laugh. "I'd rather do something on my own."

"You don't have to be a team player to have a social conscience," said Bob. "All you need to do is to make better choices, ones that lower your carbon imprint."

"We owe it to the planet to make an environmental contribution," said Mike. "When it's time for us to depart this Earth for God knows what, we need to leave this place in better condition than we found it. If we all did that and the next generation did the same, we'd all make for a better world."

"I'd like to give something back," said Sam. "I'd do it for my kids."

"You don't have any kids," said Bob. "None of us have kids."

"Well, yeah, you know what I mean, for the time when I do have kids," said Sam. "Why not start changing our behavior now?"

"I say we put our money where our mouths are," said Charlie. He reached in his wallet and pulled out a one hundred dollar bill and tossed it in the middle of the table. "Whoever comes up with the best Earth Day idea wins the pot."

"Yeah, I can do that," said Bob tossing in five twenties.

"I'm game," said Mike covering the bet with all the money he had, a twenty, six tens, two fives and the rest in singles, including pocket change to cover the last ten dollars.

"Can I write a check," said Sam looking from one to another with checkbook in hand.

"Yeah, sure, checks are good. We trust you, Sam," said Charlie with a laugh.

"We'll all meet here the day after Earth Day to tell everyone what we did and vote on each other's project. The winner wins the money."

"I'll hold the pot," said Mike scooping up the money and pocketing it.

The four friends held up their drinks and touched glasses. With a four hundred dollar pot at stake, this Earth Day would not only be fun for the group by helping to save the planet but also it'd be profitable for one member of the group.

"Happy Earth Day," said Bob.

"For the betterment of the planet," said Mike.

"Here's to a greener environment," said Sam.

"Let the games begin," said Charlie. "May the best idea win."

Truth be told, Charlie had planned to sucker his three friends into betting money they couldn't win. As soon as Bob mentioned about wanting to celebrate Earth Day, he already had his own X-rated Earth Day idea. He knew the other three would do something stupid that would pale in comparison to what he had planned to do. He knew the pot was in the bag and he'd win the money. He always did. For as long as he's been betting with them, he's never lost a World Series, Super Bowl or Indy 500 bet.

* * * * *

Later that week, Bob was on a mission. He decided that he'd single handedly collect every discarded plastic bottle and aluminum can, claim the deposit money, and donate whatever he collected to a cause that helped save the Earth. It was a double sided idea. Not only was he cleaning the streets of littered bottles and cans but also he was donating whatever he earned from the sale of his cleanup to a worthy cause, one that helped preserve the planet. He felt certain that he'd win the pot.

Only, even though it was a good idea at first, he was unable to think what his meager collection of cans and bottles could contribute to saving the planet. He couldn't think of where he could donate the small amount of money from bottles and cans he'd receive to make a difference in reducing his carbon footprint or in reducing global warming. Unable to think of anything better, he decided to give the proceeds of his redeemed deposits to a homeless shelter.

Certainly, he could argue that not only was he cleaning the streets of litter but also he was helping to remove the homeless from the streets by giving the shelter money to feed and house the poor, if only for a night. Yeah, he figured helping to shelter the homeless was better than giving it to a bunch of hippies who grew organic vegetables or something else that wasn't as important as feeding those who are hungry.

He spent hours before and after work scouring the city streets. He even borrowed a shopping cart from the local supermarket to help him in his quest. He collected so many cans and bottles that he enlisted a second shopping cart and tied them together in tandem. Diving in dumpsters instead of fighting windmills, soon, with his shopping carts burdened with green, plastic bags that were fat with bottles and cans, he looked so much like Don Quixote's man, Sancho Panza, in Cervantes' Man of La Mancha, with his donkey burdened with saddlebags.

Only, just when his shopping carts were filled to capacity and were so overwhelmed with round plastic bags that hung from every part of both carriages, so much like a boat with buoys hanging from the sides that he could hardly push it, a contingent of homeless men approach him. An uphill climb, he was nearing his final destination, the redemption center of the supermarket where he needed to not only deposit his bottles and cans to collect his money but also return his borrowed shopping carts. The three homeless men stood at the crest of the hill waiting for Bob to pull his shopping carts to the top.

"I wondered what happened to all the bottles and cans," said the first homeless man to no one, but for everyone to hear.

"And now we know," said the second homeless man.

"I haven't seen you around here before," said the third homeless man stopping Bob's progress by placing a hand on the first carriage.

"Who the Hell are you," said the first homeless man approaching Bob.

"I'm Bob," he said sticking out his hand and taking it back when the men didn't offer to shake his hand.

"Are you homeless, too?" A second homeless man asked looking at Bob's clean and neat appearance outfitted from head to toe with designer clothes. "Because you don't look homeless to me."

"Me? Homeless? Certainly not. I clerk at a law firm during the day and live with my folks when—"

"Live with your folks? Aren't you a bit old to be still living at home with mommy and daddy?" The third homeless man laughed with the other two homeless men.

"Go tell your life story to someone who gives a shit, Bob" said the first homeless man saying his name in a mocking way while pulling the carts from Bob's grasp.

"Hey, what are you doing? I'm redeeming these bottles and cans for Earth Day and donating the money to a worthy cause."

"We'll save you the trouble," laughed the second homeless man.

"Yeah, we'll cut out the middleman and will gladly see your donation reaches worthy hands," said the third homeless man laughing.

"Thank you for giving us this money," laughed the first homeless man. "Now, beat it," he said fisting his hand and raising it.

"Okay, okay, I'm leaving."

"Fuck off," said the second homeless man.

"Happy Earth Day," said Bob.

"Scram," said the third homeless man.

"Hit the bricks," said the first homeless man. "Earth Day my ass. What kind of moron celebrates Earth Day?" Bob walked away from the laughter of the three homeless men.

"That's not even a holiday," said the second homeless man.

"Yeah, Earth Day is right up there with President's Day and Flag Day," said the third homeless man laughing.

Bob was saddened. Not only did he not complete his goal of donating money to a worthy cause but also he had no chance of winning the pot now. Actually, when he thought about it, he did help three homeless men. So long as they don't spend the redemption money on drugs and/or alcohol, he liked to think that he had helped them. Before he left, he pulled out his cell phone and took a photo of his two shopping carts overloaded with green, plastic trash bags filled to capacity with all the bottles and cans he collected.

"Well, a picture is worth a thousand words. This will be proof that my heart was in the right place."

Still, not satisfied enough that he helped celebrate Earth Day, he wrote a check for the approximate redemption value of the collected bottles and cans and mailed it to the local homeless shelter.

* * * * *

Mike spent his time cleaning trash from the park that had been taken over by drug dealers, gang bangers, and prostitutes. It was a dangerous proposition and one that could only possibly be done during the daylight hours. At the very least, he ran the risk of being harassed by a hooker and/or beaten up by gang members or worse, even being shot by a drug dealer.

Even broad daylight didn't deter crime in this part of town. Yet, Mike was intent on giving something back and making a difference. He wanted to do something good for the neighborhood. Cleaning up this trash and garbage littered park was his way of donating his time and energy for the good of the neighborhood and the betterment of his community. He thought this one deed would certainly enhance the quality of his life, as well as all those who wanted to come to this park to play.

Earth Day motivated him with the energy and the determined effort to do something he'd never otherwise do. Besides, he drove by this park every day to shoot hoops at the cleaner and safer park blocks away in the better neighborhood. Cleaning up this park would not only benefit him and others in the neighborhood but also he may win the pot of money. A win/win situation, he'd clean up the park by picking up all the trash and instead of driving his car unnecessarily by going to the other park, he could walk to this part, once all the trash was gone.

Once he finished picking up the trash, he thought about returning with some white paint to paint the fence, basketball poles, and new white lines on the basketball court. He even thought about installing new nets for the baskets. Certainly, he could afford the couple dollars for new nets that the kids tore down. Maybe, he'd even invest extra for the chain link basketball nets. Those are more durable and longer lasting than the white cotton ones. They can't break those in the way that they break the white cotton ones.

These are all fixes that the city and park department should be doing. Yet, with budget cuts and layoffs of city personnel, this park was not a priority, as were some of the other parks located in better neighborhoods on the other side of the city. Suddenly, just because he didn't have as much money as those people who lived in better neighborhoods, he felt labeled as one of the ones who destroyed city property, instead of one of the ones who appreciated what the city did in his neighborhood. He'd show them by taking the initiative and spending his own money to clean up the park. He hoped that by making the effort and by cleaning the park as an example of community service, others would follow his example and take pride in their neighborhood, too.

Mike spent the weekend cleaning up the park. He hoped he would inspire others who saw him out there by himself cleaning the park to come out and help him, but no one volunteered their help, time or money. Just as everyone hid behind their closed, locked doors and didn't report crime and criminals, unless it happened to them, no one cared enough to help clean up and improve the quality of life in their own community by helping him clean up the park.

The residents of the neighborhood all stayed in their homes and peeked out at him from behind their closed blinds and curtains. He noticed the movement of them whenever he looked in their direction. Yet, that was okay. He was doing what he needed to do.

He figured the best way to accomplish the massive cleanup task was to first rake, pitch, push, and collect everything into one giant pile of trash. Then, once he was done, he'd shovel it all into green trash bags. His biggest expense was buying the trash bags. They weren't cheap. He asked Mr. Jones, the owner of the hardware store, if he'd donate the trash bags and a rake to subsidize his expense in cleaning up the park, but Mr. Jones gave him his much rehearsed lecture on how his business had suffered because everyone shopped at the big chain stores instead of shopping at the local hardware store. Mike paid for the trash bags and bought the rake. He brought a big trash barrel with him from home to fit it with the trash bags so as to make his work easier when filling the bags.

He couldn't believe how much fast food, lottery tickets, cigarette butts, condoms, needles, and garbage that was discarded in this one small park. With all this shit littered everywhere, it was no wonder kids didn't play here. He imagined an anthropologist finding this trash littered park thousands of years from now and wondering what McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, and Taco Bell were. He imagined them lining up discarded cigarette butts like so many broken bones and finding Styrofoam cups and plastic bags still intact.

Just when his pile was nearly raked, just when he was nearly done piling up all the trash, when he was on the far side of the field collecting the last bit of trash, a couple of gang members set the pile of litter on fire with lighter fluid and a match. The trash had already exploded into quite the bonfire by the time Mike noticed it and made it over from the other side of the field. Without having anything to extinguish the blaze, there was nothing he could do but to watch it burn. Then one of the prostitutes whose business had suffered from the appearance of Mike cleaning the park called the fire department.

"You'd better get over here. There's a crazy guy who just lit a giant bonfire in the park," she said over her cell phone. "He must be high on crack or something. He looks like he's getting ready to burn down the whole neighborhood. He looks like he might be a terrorist."

The wail of police and fire sirens could be heard from blocks away. Even after Mike had given his story to the police, he was still issued a $250 fine from the Fire department for burning trash.

"But, I didn't set the fire. I was cleaning up the park."

"Listen, Pal," said the Fire Caption. "You can't go around burning trash, even if you are cleaning up the park. You're lucky I don't have the police arrest you and charge you with arson."

"But I didn't set fire to the trash," said Mike.

"We have three eye witnesses who stated that you poured lighter fluid on the pile before striking the match."

Two gang members and a hooker watching the whole process unfold stood laughing from the distance. Now Mike understood why no other residents came out to help him. Now he understood why the people of the neighborhood refused to get involved.

As a last resort, as evidence that he had cleaned the park, he took two photos, one of the litter free park and another of the extinguished bonfire but still smoking pile of trash.

* * * * *

Sam, who drove his car around the corner to mail a letter and who used his Dad's handicap placard whenever going to the mall or supermarket, so that he wouldn't have to walk even a few extra steps, bought a bicycle to lower his carbon imprint. He was so proud of his new bike that he had his mother snap a photo of him with his cell phone while he was perched on his bike wearing his helmet, as proof that he was using his bike instead of his car to commute.

An old style, albeit a new bicycle with lots of chrome, fat, whitewall tires, rearview mirrors, and faux raccoon tails at the end of each handgrip, his bike had a headlight and a horn. It even had saddlebags attached to each fender to store whatever he needed to take with him. Lastly, Sam attached a small American flag to the rear of the bike that waved proudly as he rode.

Suddenly feeling like Lance Armstrong, albeit an overweight, unfit, and much slower Lance Armstrong, about to compete in the Tour de Neighborhood instead of the Tour de France, Sam felt that he was truly making a difference in enjoying the fresh air riding his new bike instead of polluting the air and fouling the environment in his old car. Always wanting to lose the thirty extra pounds he had gained since his college days, he faithfully rode his bike to work every day, except for those rainy days. More of a recreational bike rider who only rode his bike in the good weather and got off the bike to walk it up a steep hill, he wasn't the diehard type of rider who rode their bikes in all kinds of weather, except for snow and sleet.