Avoidance

Preface.

I should like to extend my grateful thanks to Cleghorn van Overdraft for his invaluable guidance during the writing of this paper. It was his proud boast that during a long and fulfilled life he had avoided marriage and long term relationships with females, no relationship having lasted for more than twenty four hours.

Sadly Cleggy is no longer with us, having passed away at age one hundred and two years, I therefore take this opportunity to offer my condolences to his known descendents, they being 119 children, their ages ranging from two years of age to ninety. The two year old was the outcome of Cleggy's rather exuberant one hundredth birthday party. The ninety year old is best not discussed. In addition my condolences go out to his 304 grandchildren, 842 great grandchildren and 1009 great great grandchildren.

The funeral was a moment of high inspiration for all those who support the avoidance of all extended relationships with members of the opposite sex, since like Cleggy his descendents have carefully avoided all such entanglements.

Cleggy died as he would have wanted to, copulating with a young woman, on a kitchen floor as it happened. "He died with a smile on his lips," the young lady declared. She is as yet uncertain whether the union will give rise to a further offspring, "But I'd like it to," she said, "just to make it the round one hundred and twenty for him."

The doctor who wrote out the death certificate gave as the cause of death, "A surfeit of amour."

At this point I should like to apologise to members of the gay community and women. What I have written primarily concerns male heterosexuals who wish to avoid the ultimate entanglement. Some of what I have written may apply in your situation, but in any case I am sure there are many competent people in your ranks who can do for you what I am endeavouring to doing for the heterosexual male avoider.

Introduction.

The idea for this paper came during the course of reading some psychological works. It has been discovered by dint of rigorous scientific investigation and testing that the majority of males are attracted to females. The discoverers of this unexpected phenomenon, all of them eminent psychologists, went on to explain that the more attractive the female the more desirable they are in the eyes of the male.

Contemplating these amazing discoveries I realised the dangers that beset the unwary male. He might, on sighting an attractive female, have thoughts of that most to be avoided condition, marriage (or holy wedlock if you are of a theological turn of mind) or the long term relationship.

Given the imminent danger of such undesirable outcomes, I decided to set out some of the simpler avoidance techniques. "Simpler" because the whole matter of male-female relationships is fraught with traps for the unwary and the subject is so vast that it would take many volumes to cover all possible exigencies.

I do not attempt to address the case of those who, like lemmings, rush to their doom. Rather I concern myself with the needs of those males who, more soberly and sincerely seek to avoid the stated relationships.

Chapter 1. Total Avoidance.

Total avoidance is the most sure way to escape permanent entanglements, but I must point out that this is only for the most hardy and determined avoiders.

This path has become more difficult of late since many of the options once open to the total avoider have been closed. I cite as examples, the military, constabulary, and many of those workplaces that were once female free, but are now almost swamped by the members of that seemingly ubiquitous gender.

Even company boards, once thought to be the preserve males are now laced with women. They have become plumbers, carpenters, electricians, and foundry workers and…ah well, need I go on. At the moment there are still segregated sports clubs, but even these are under threat. Hence it becomes ever more difficult to avoid being in the presence of females and consequently their allure.

One avenue that still seems to be open is retirement into a closed order of monks. So far I have not heard of any female monks, just as I have not heard of male nuns; but who knows what the future might bring?

Another option, and one that has an affinity with monkery, is the ascetic hermit. It is recorded in the history of the Church that one fifth century hermit who had remained in isolation for many years, one day decided to take a trip into town. Walking along the road towards the town he met a woman. He was so terrified that he fled straight back to his cave or tomb or whatever it was, and never again risked entering the world beyond.

On the other hand an acquaintance of mine, a very determined avoider, decided that the anchorite life was for him. He set up in the depths of a forest and all went well until the arrival of a few men who came to receive his wise advice about avoidance.

They became disciples and set up in their own establishments near him. Others followed and in due course it was decided that some local improvements should be made and a supermarket was opened. This in turn led to the need for improved transport facilities and there followed the opening of other shops, cinemas, and eventually an eight lane highway and an international airport. Worst of all, these improvements led to the arrival of woman.

As my friend said, "Somehow it's not quite the same as it was, especially as they chopped down the forest."

Others I have known attempted avoidance by going to the Antarctic or into satellites circling the earth, only to be pursued by women.

I fear that the day of the total avoider is gradually coming to an end, and the next stage of avoiding must become the norm.

Chapter 2. Partial Avoidance.

This is a more subtle approach than total avoiding and it must be negotiated with great care. It is an acknowledgement of the difficulty of totally avoiding women and involves being in the presence of women without being endangered by them in any significant way.

Let me give as an example shopping in a supermarket. You have negotiated the aisles, making sure you look at the floor every time a woman passes you. Excellent! Well done! I say; but then comes the moment of truth. You have to pass through the checkout and in the majority of cases the person working at the checkout is female.

If by some remarkable coincidence there is a male serving at a checkout, you head straight for him. It may be the case that there is a massive queue made up of other avoiders, but the dedicated avoider will not be deterred and will stand in line even if the other checkouts with their female attendants are totally vacant.

Failing the availability of a male checkout attendant the avoider will survey the female attendants to see who is the least attractive. Should he find that all have too much by way of female charm, he will hang around until there is a change of attendants in the hope that at least one will be unattractive. I have heard of avoiders who have waited up to five hours for an appropriate female to arrive at a checkout.

Apart from the perils awaiting the avoider when shopping, and let's face it, it is like a thickly sown minefield, there are the social occasions. The wise avoider refuses all invitations to parties or other social gatherings since he knows that there is a strong chance there will be attractive females present.

The avoider is not however totally cut off from social life. He can usually attend quite safely gatherings of maiden aunts, especially if the aunts have liberal facial hirsute and smell of a mixture of lavender and mothballs. But a word of warning; very occasionally one of the aunts might be attractive, so beware.

Afternoon Church Ladies Guilds are usually safe options should the avoider be invited to address them on some subject in which he is expert, like "The sex life of newts in the mud ponds of the Upper Nile."

At all costs evening ladies gatherings must be shunned. These are usually made up of younger females who have been working during the day and present extreme menace to the avoider.

Other danger spots are buses, trains, and above all aircraft with their airhostesses. This latter is not quite as perilous as it once was since the advent of equal opportunity legislation. Whereas at one time airhostesses tended to disappear from aircraft once the ladies looks began to fade, now the company is forced to retain them into old age.

Female presenters on television are to be avoided since they can give rise to fantasies of a most disturbing kind. Television news should be watched only on those stations with male presenters.

I think sufficient has been said about the problems of partial avoidance, and we must now pass on to the most hazardous of all avoidance.

Chapter 3. The Lapsed Avoider.

In fact dear old Cleggy was a lapsed avoider and it was from him I got the most useful information.

I must warn readers that if they suffer from nervous debility or a weak stomach, they should not read further.

Let me first describe the Lapsed Avoider. The majority are youthful and suffering from testosterone ferment. But let us not suppose that youth are the only lapsed avoiders, as witness Cleggy. The central characteristic is a desire to remain an avoider while having an almost irresistible longing to associate with females.

These apparently contradictory desires can be extremely painful until the avoider has learned to master certain techniques that put him beyond the grasp of permanent liaisons.

Let me give you an example. Harry, an avoider, has been invited to a party. He has ill-advisedly accepted the invitation. On arrival he finds there are one or more attractive females present. He is now in extreme peril.

One of the females looks in his direction, smiles and flutters her eyelids. Harry feels a lurch in his stomach; his legs do not seem to be able to support him; his manhood begins to stir and the said female comes to occupy the centre of his vision. She is like an angel surrounded by a halo of intense light; she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.

I feel I should step aside for a moment from my theme and make some most important points.

First, even if the females present at the party are in fact unattractive or even downright ugly, once the party is well underway and the booze and drugs flowing freely, the females become transformed into objects of desire.

Second, many an avoider has been lured on to wake up next morning to find him self lying beside a hideous harridan who at the end of the party had been a vision of loveliness.

Thirdly, this transformation has never been adequately explained, but as old Cleggy used to say, "It's better not to stay the night so you don't have to risk a nervous collapse or heart attack next morning."

To return to my main theme; let us suppose Harry's angelic creature really does appear to be attractive; what then? The chances are he will succumb to her charms and boozed to the eyeballs or not he will forget all his avoider's resolutions.

If I continue what one might call, "The ideal model," let us suppose the angel says as the party draws to a close, "Come back to my place." Her place proves to be a luxury flat with an excellent double bed. The question arises, is Harry the avoider completely lost?

No, he is not; at least, he is not lost if he follows the procedures I shall now outline.

Let it be noted however, that he must at this stage remind himself that he is a dedicated avoider and objectivise the situation he is in. Without this effort he is indeed in danger of being lost.

Avoider:(As they both strip off) "It was really hot at that party, I'm all sweaty." She:(If she takes the bait) "Why not take a shower, darling; let's take one together."

The avoider does not use this occasion to copulate standing up under the shower spray; no, his motive is more cunning.

Under the shower and while pretending to admire her lovely chestnut coloured hair, he runs his fingers through it, checking for dandruff and any fleas or lice that may be gambolling through it. In addition he notes if there are signs of heavy makeup peeling off If he fails to detect any of these blemishes he goes on to the next stage.

She:(Lying languorously and naked on the bed) "Kiss me darling."

The avoider, no matter how taken he may be with her soft, wet and full lower lip, reminds himself that the mouth is the most germ-infested areas of the human body. As she smiles up at him he may observe excellent white teeth, if however she does not part her lips when smiling this might indicate advanced tooth decay that she is trying to hide.

The avoider may at this stage decide to gently kiss her eyes instead, always reminding himself that those lustrous orbs are in fact a couple of jelly-like objects that if seen on a plate would be very sick-making.

At the party he had been much enamoured of her swan-like neck; now he notes that it is not really swan-like, but more nearly resembles the neck of a bottle of toilet cleanser readily available in every supermarket, that advertises itself as being able to get "Right Round the Bend."

Having got her neck into proper perspective he goes on to the full swelling breasts that had first got him horny at the party. If he is an educated avoider he will know their true nature. Consider a dictionary definition; "Either of two soft fleshy milk-secreting glandular organs on the chest of a woman."

This may or may not dampen the avoider's interest in the glands but at least it objectifies them. That done he may then pass on to contemplation of the nipples. These, like the breasts themselves, come in different sizes and even varied colours ranging from dark brown to a delicate pink.

Let us suppose that our girl has long, firm, pink nipples; what does our avoider do?

Any avoider worth the title is always ready for an emergency. He momentarily excuses himself and reaches for his jacket pocket and draws out a magnifying glass. With this he proceeds to inspect the nipples; all is revealed.

Instead of sweet pink nubs he suddenly finds he is looking at something resembling a landscape pock marked by ancient volcanoes; perhaps "Rugged lunar landscape" best describes it.

He may at this stage choose to by-pass these doubtful delicacies in the hope of finding better things.

In our culture the navel, belly button or umbilicus is often neglected as a source of erotic pleasure. This however is not true of every culture and in some this spot is highly prized as a source of arousal. So let us consider it for a moment.

"The scar where the umbilical cord was attached" thus it is defined. Dependent on the skill of the cutter or biter off of the cord at birth, it can stick out like one of those little mounds left by worms on wet beach sand and sought after by fishermen for bait, or a miniature if poorly mined quarry bearing within it bits of fluff or lint. The avoider may choose to give this a passing kiss or not, but he is likely to proceed fairly quickly further south.

Now he is approaching what is most often deemed to be the final goal, yet here danger lurks for the unwary, namely, the pubic hair. This comes in a great variety of textures; tight little ringlets; long straggly mats; if a razor has been applied, sharp stake-like outcrops; and occasionally if the owner has been prepared for the expense, the total removal of all hair.

A friend of mine once related a cautionary tale to me. Harvey Hardbottle was his name, and he said that once he was about to penetrate a girl's tunnel of love when he found his way barred by what he thought was a barrier of razor wire.

"I was in a bit of a hurry," he said, thus identifying himself as a true avoider, "and suddenly I felt this sharp pain like a dozen bee stings. It was the girl's pubic hair and it did a lot of bloody damage to my urethra."

The moral of this little story being that one should always reconnoitre the area thoroughly before proceeding to the next phase.

The next phase is of course an inspection of what lies beneath the pubic hair.

Now here we must move slowly and cautiously because there is a great deal involved. The main goal is usually the vaginal canal, so let us first define this; "The lower part of the female reproductive tract; a moist canal in female mammals extending from the labia minora to the uterus."

Now this is very deceptive because much more is involved. So let us imagine our avoider gazing upon that crease situated at the top of the female thighs and under the lower part of her abdomen.

What could look more innocent and even attractive when firmly cleft. But my friends, what dark secrets does it hide?

Think for a moment about the functions that this inoffensive looking crease performs. Those outer lips defend the means of disposing of urine, and consider the vast expense official bodies go to in order to dispose of this unpleasant fluid; the pipes, pumps and sewage farms.

This multifaceted organ also serves to dispose of the woman's unfertilised eggs, and is the tract through which the egg is fertilised and most of us are first brought to enter upon this world.

The writer well recalls when, at the age of fourteen he was working in a factory, one of the older men, no doubt thinking he was giving useful sex instruction, and referring to the female genitals said, "For gawd's sake don't look at the bloody thing, it's fucking hideous."

Some years later, and as opportunity arose, your writer did examine that maligned organ, and now, again many year after, still feels ambivalent about it. But I must move on.

At this point the avoider is well advised to ask, "You won't get pregnant, will you?"

Now tread very carefully and listen closely to the female response. If she says as many do these days, "No darling, I'm on the pill," weigh very carefully your next move.

If she is speaking the truth about being on the pill then there is a strong chance that many others have visited that "moist canal." That canal is well known as a fine incubator for all manner of extraordinary things, some of which produce only minor irritations and others that may result in insanity and even death; all usually lumped under the catchall title of, "Venereal diseases."

Now our avoider, having got the significant parts of the female anatomy in focus, may decide to take the risk and proceed to unburden himself of excessive semen. That done there is nothing more to be said and it is only left for him to extract himself from the situation, and that we shall come to in a moment.

Let us however assume he does not want to proceed; how can he gracefully extricate himself?

A tried and true method had been observed to be very effective. He laughs gaily and says, "You know, I was with a girl last week who is suffering from herpes"

This said he should be alert for the female response as it sometime takes violent forms and can come near to permanently unmanning him. But the end has been achieved and he will probably find himself quickly outside the flat and on his way home. Avoidance has been won.

Sometimes this ploy can backfire; for example, "He says casually, "You know, when I woke up this morning I felt sure I had a touch of syphilis." This may bring about the desired response and the girl may go racing off to the bathroom to bathe with carbolic every part of her body the avoider has touched. Alternatively she may with equal casualness respond, "You know, that's funny darling, because it's just what I told my doctor last week."

The avoiders response may vary from instant flight or, if he has touched her genital region he may ask if she minds if he uses her carbolic.

Now to return to the avoider who has taken the risk and copulated with the girl.