Akems Shambles

Ivory Carpathia was the sexiest little vamp in Transylvania. Everybody knew it. With her long raven hair, dark eyes, those luscious lips. Especially with that little trickle of blood she always had running from the corner of those succulent lips. It was really just a trick she did with lip gloss, 'cause everyone knows you can't leave a trickle of real blood like that, it's unsanitary. But everyone also knows that there is just nothing in the world sexier than a trickle of blood running down the corner of a pretty vamp's lip. Yeah, she had a face that every man from Brasov to Kolomyya dreamed of waking up to. And that face was just the beginning.

Her body was made for fantasies. If Venus di Milo was alive today and saw Ivory's body she would die of envy. Long, shapely legs that ended at a butt you just wanted to put your face in and go BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB! A svelte waistline capped with a pair of the perkiest breasts ever to rub the inside of a corset. Every man in Romania longed for those days in late October that were just warm enough for t-shirts and just cool enough to turn the ladies' headlights on. 'Cause that was the time of year that everyone invited Ivory for a Halloween party and talked her into bobbing for Adam's Apples.

Yeah. She was the hot number and everyone knew it. Everyone, that is, except Akem.

Now Akem was one of the oldest vamps on earth and despite all the undiluted vampiric blood and mystical abilities he possessed it was becoming clear that he was losing his vision and was more than a little feeble minded. Not to mention the fact that an ex-coffin-mate and witch named Baba Yaga had cursed him with a goat's head 1733 years ago for drinking an entire barrel of elder blood the she was saving to make sausage. He was angry about it then and still is. His anger has turned him into a cantankerous old vamp that seemed to like no one and the feeling is mutual.

Though most would say his primary purpose is pissing other vamps off, Akem's vice and real purpose within the realm Patra Neampt is gambling. He runs a sort of shell game. Three chests each containing abilities vampires are wan to use. Now some of these abilities are rather lame and the sort that baby vamps learn before they can even fly and thereby virtually useless to any vamp worth his grave dirt. Others are less common and slightly more useful and more still range from rare and powerful to legendary and godlike. The gamble? Pick a chest, reach in and grab something. No peeking. No second chances. At least none without a bribe.

The problem is, Akem, being the angry, blind, feeble minded, cantankerous old goat he is he had inadvertently rigged the game. Some days he forgot to put the better abilities in the chests. Some days he just decided it's not worth the effort to put them in. Often he couldn't tell the difference between a Pyrokenesis and a bic lighter. And on other days he left them out just for spite.

Fekkin' goat.

Now Ivory was making her daily trek down to Akem's dungeon to try her luck and wringing her hands in worry because she was really in need of a legendary ability to for a mission she was on. On her way down the steps she ran into Damatria who was cursing a blue streak and stomping out of the dungeon. Now Damatria was a beauty in her own right and some said she had even seen Akem smile once, in an odd, lascivious, goat-like sort of way.

"Oh, Damatria, Boo-Boo-kitty, Muffywumpus, Chocolate delight, sweeter than anything, as always." Ivory cooed. "I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I really need a Corrosion spell to get through this next mission set. There are rumors that you get special favors from the goat and..."

"Look, sister," Damatria growled, "That's just a rumor. I never let him touch me. And I get no 'Special' favors."

"I'm sorry, Damatria." Ivory pouted a little. A trick that always seemed to work on anyone male or female, but not goat. "I didn't mean to say you... like...

DID

anything. I was just wondering if you knew a way to get in his good graces."

Damatria softened a little, "I know you didn't mean anything. Sorry I snapped at you. But that damned goat-headed horses ass has given me four freakin' Bone Spikes this week and now he gives me Wolf's Hunger? Please. I mean as if I really needed that crap. I so want to break off one of his horns and stick it right up his..."

"I get it."

"Sideways at that."

Ivory put a finger to her elder clan mate's lips, "Snuggle muffin, I know exactly what you mean. He's never given me anything but crap. But I really need to get Corrosion from him. Any ideas?"

Damatria reached up and gently pulled Ivory's finger away, "Well I did get Mummification from him once. Not from the chests, it was in a bag behind the curtain."

"Wow!"

"I know! Right?"

"So how'd you do it?"

Damatria blushed a bit. One of her own special talents and quite a feat considering the cold blooded nature of vampires. "Well, it was really an accident, to be honest. I had pulled a Demon Summoning from the chest but when I pulled it out it caught on the lid, dropped and broke on the floor. Well, Akem just shook his head and told me to get some super glue. Ya break it, ya bought it, yanno?

"So, I bent over to pick it up and I guess I was showin' a little butt cheek, 'cause I heard him kinda gasp like men do when they see somethin' like that. Cept it sounded like a choking goat. Well it startled me and I turned around and stood up real quick. I could tell what was on his puny, horny headed mind right then.

"But worse yet, what I didn't realize was that when I stood up like that it popped the buttons on my bustier and my boobs were showin'."

"Get out!"

"I WAS out! And the goat was getting' his own bone spike, let me tell ya."

Ivory's jaw dropped. "Oh my GOD! What did you do?"

Damatria grinned, "What do you think I did? I shook 'em at him. Poor old goat would've had a heart attack if he had a heart."

"No way!" Ivory grabbed Damatria's hands, "So what did he do?"

"The old goat dropped trou right there. It was pathetic. Said he wanted to... touch 'em."

Ivory gasped, "You didn't!"

"Well, I said no way at first but then I got an idea. I told him I'd let him touch 'em if he gave me somethin' better than a broken Demon Summoning incantation. I thought his eyes were gonna pop right out of his head. He started stammering and stuttering like he hadn't seen a pair of boobs in a thousand years. Come to think of it he prob'ly hadn't. Anyway, he managed to blurt out there was a bag behind the curtain with a Mummification in it and it was mine if I let him play with 'em for a while."

"You are so bad."

"I know. Right?" Damage grinned again, "But when he tried to walk towards me he tripped on those fancy pants of his, fell and knocked himself out."

"Oh my God! What did you do?"

"Well, I stuffed my boobs back in my top, grabbed that Mummification and got the hell outta there. Left him lying on the floor with his Bone Spike sticking out."

Ivory was near collapsing on the steps in fits of laughter. "Too funny!"

"Yeah, It was." Damatria stopped laughing, "Hey! That's your ticket!"

"I don't think so."

"Oh come on, you've done worse."

"Well, yeah... But not with a goat!" Ivory thought about it for a few seconds, "But I don't really have to do anything. I just have to make him think I will. Hey! I got an idea! You stand outside the door and when you here me say 'Oh, Akem! You're so big!' You yell for me and say the boss wants to see me right away."

Damatria grinned again, " I see where you're goin'. Get him all worked up and then leave him there holding his wooden stake. I like it. You're on!"

The girls skipped happily down the steps to the dungeon door. Ivory knocked twice and put her hand on the door handle. Then she turned to Damatria and winked, "Wish me luck."

"Girl, I don't think you need luck. I think you have everything you need. " Damatria blew her a kiss and pointed to the door.

Ivory turned the door handle and pushed. She stepped inside to see Akem playing with his doll. 'Who'da thunk it.' She thought, 'an ancient goat headed vampire who likes to play with dolls.'

She put on her sexiest face as she sauntered towards him, stopping a few feet out of arms reach. Clasping her hands low in front of her in a girlish gesture, she began to work her wiles. "Oh Akem, I'm so worried." She swirled her hips and twirled her hair around her finger, "I need some Corrosions, soooo bad." She adjusted the plunging neckline of her vampy mini dress, pressing her breasts together until her cleavage swelled out of it. "Is there anything I can do? Will you, please help me?" She batted her eyelashes and swirled her hips again.

"Open a chest and take your chances like everyone else." He grumbled.

Ivory laid the schmooze on thicker, "But Akem, sweetie-pie, honeybunch, I never get anything good from those silly boxes. Pleeeaaaase?"

Akem merely pointed to the chests.

'Damn,' she thought. 'Tough guy, huh? Let's see how he does with plan B.' Ivory sacheted to the row of chests, her short dress swishing back and forth with they sway of her hips, all the more accentuated by the cross step gait. Circling the chests once before stopping in front of the middle one, she arched her back and took a deep breath. The fabric of her dress stretched to its limits and aroused her nipples. She held her finger to her lips as if in deep thought, then with a delicate flick of her wrist, pointed to each chest in succession. Eenie-meenie-minie-mo.

She lifted her right knee high and pulled her foot back and up, then kicked it out to the side planting it firmly in front of the third chest. The rippling muscles in her legs made Akem swallow hard. He shifted in his chair as she slid her left foot over to meet her right and bounced slightly on her toes. Ivory could feel his stare on her back. She smiled and turned her head, looking back at him, her cascading hair partially obscuring her face. "I think I'll take this one." She said in a sultry voice. She winked and Akem shifted again.

Keeping her legs rigid and straight, she bent deeply from the hips bringing her face almost level with the latch. The hem of her short dress rode up, exposing her firm round buttocks accentuated by the blood red silk thong. Akem took a deep, wheezing breath.

"Ma-a-a-a-a-a... Ma-a-a-a-a..." Akem cleared his throat to lose the goat-like bleat. "Maybe we can work something out"

Ivory smiled. His secret was out and she was fully prepared to use it to full advantage. She stood straight and turned quickly staring him in the face, her raven hair trailing, falling over her shoulder and breast. With a single finger she slowly and carefully combed it aside and flicked it back over her shoulder. "Oh A-a-a-a-a-ake-e-e-em! Do you rea-a-a-a-a-lly think so?"

Her own goat impression drove the point home. Akem's pants were starting to get tight in the front. He shifted again, nonchalantly rearranging his package. Ivory's arms crossed under her breasts and squeezed, forcing them to almost spill out the top of her dress. Akem began to shake all over. "Ba-a-a-a-aby! You know what I like! I'll tell you what I'll do. You come over here and sit on my lap for a while and I'll give you any prize you wa-a-a-a-ant."

"I don't Kno-o-o-o-o-ow. A-a-a-a-ake-e-e-em. I heard you made that pro-o-o-omise before but then made a me-e-e-e-ess in your pa-a-a-a-ants and wouldn't give up the prize." Ivory did her best waifish pout.

"No! No! I would ne-e-e-e-e-ever do that, Ba-a-a-a-a-aby. Ple-e-e-e-ease!"

"Well you go get that Corrosion and you give it to me and I'll do a little lap dance for you. Ok?" Ivory slipped her finger under the top of her dress and slowly started to pull it down. When her right nipple flicked over the hem and stood proudly for Akem to see, he sat up like he had been electrified.

Jumping up, then cringing as parts not meant to bend in there current state were twisted uncomfortably. "Uh... Ye-e-e-e-eah! I'll ge-e-e-e-et it right no-o-o-o-o-ow!"

Akem went behind the curtain and came back with a small rusty vial and no pants. He returned to his chair and gingerly sat down, "Co-o-o-o-o-ome and ge-e-e-e-e-et it, Ba-a-a-aby." He grinned almost ear to ear, difficult considering his long snout and not exactly the most appetizing sight in the world. Those that have actually seen a goat grin would rather they hadn't.

Ivory began a sexy little dance trying hard not to look at the toothy grin on Akems face. Dancing towards him she used all her most appealing poses and moves. Akem's breathing became ragged. "Ta-a-a-ake the dre-e-e-ess o-o-o-o-off." He wheezed.

Still dancing, Ivory reached out her hand and motioned Akem to give up the vial. He extended his bony hand and let her take it. If not for all the fur, Ivory might have seen the color drain out of his face. She slipped the vial into the waistband of her thong and began to slowly turn around. With her back to him, she crossed her arms, reached down and took the hem of her dress and began to lift it as she turned back toward him.

Akem opened his legs wide, exposing what might have been mistaken for a penis if one used their imagination. Ivory stifled a laugh and knew it was time to get out. "O-o-o-oh A-a-a-a-ake-e-e-em. It's so BIG!"

Outside, Damatria heard her cue. She stood straight and cleared her throat, "Ivory! Ivory are you down here? The boss is looking for you and sounds pretty pissed. I think it has to do with that mission you've been stalling on."

"DAMMIT!" Akem screamed, "She's busy. Tell that bitch, Baba to wait her turn."

Quick thinker she is, Damatria replied, "Look Akem, I don't think you want another curse laid on you and Ivory ain't gonna be so pretty as a goat."

"I'll be the judge of that!"

Ivory pulled her dress back down, "Akem, sweety, I don't want to make trouble I better go now before the old hag shoves me out in the sun with nothing but Holy Water to catch my fall."

Akem slumped in his chair as she ran to the door and pulled it closed behind her.

Damage was gleefully jumping up and down, "Did ya get it? Huh? Huh? Did ya? Did ya get it?"

Ivory lifted her dress to reveal her red silk thong still hugging the vial against her hip. And with a big grin she took Damatria's hand and together they skipped down the hall and up the steps. Near the top they were stopped dead in their tracks by the sound of angry cursing.

"Random my arse! You can't tell me that in 20 fookin' years not a single target within a thousand of my skill rank appears. I'm tired of kicking puppies! Now fix the GODDAM COMBAT LISTS!"

As Caspian rounded the corner the two girls caught his eye and immediately his demeanor took a drastic but pleasant turn. "Well, if you two don't look tastier than a stack of blueberry pancakes and a cup of espresso. What's with the big smiles?"

Ivory was ready to jump right out of her dress. "Oh, my god, Cas, you are not going to believe this. I got Corrosion from Akem!"

"No way! I heard the old goat didn't even have any more special abilities here. They all got sent to New York for that special thing they got going on."

Ivory hiked her dress again.

"Nice panties. You know red is my favorite color. And in silk panties it just makes me damn near crazy, especially on an incredibly sexy vamp like you. I mean right now I'm tempted to..."

Ivory put a finger to Caspian's lips, "Not the panties Mr' Silver Tongued Vampire, the vial. See the vial?"

Caspian looked again then gently pulled her finger away, opened her hand and kissed her palm. "You are a Goddess. I'm putting you in for Succubus as soon as I get back to my office." He turned her hand over and kissed it again. "How did you manage that?"

Ivory turned on the waifish charms again, "Why, Caspian, No one can resist my charms. I schmoozed him good." She ran her fingers through his hair and across his cheek nearly causing his knees to buckle.

Damatria stepped behind him, put her hand under his chin, pulled his head back and nipped at his ear. "I helped."

"I should have known. After what you did back in...."

"Hey! That was just a viscous rumor. He never touched me." She shoved him against the wall.

Caspian turned around, "You are so sexy when you're angry. I'll have to get you riled up more often." He winked at her, "But for now I think I need to go see the goat while he's still in a good mood."

He started down the steps again and both girls pinched him on the butt as he passed.

"Later, Sweetie." They said in unison.

Caspian reached Akem's door, knocked twice and upon getting no response he knocked again. "The old bastard couldn't have had a heart attack. He doesn't have a heart to attack" He turned the handle and pushed the door open. Stepping inside he saw Akem pounding away on something in his lap and he wasn't pumping up a basketball for a game of hoops.

"Ummmm... Is this a bad time?

Akem nearly fell out of his chair he dropped his doll, jumped up and quickly pulled a lap robe around himself. "JESUS! Doesn't anyone knock anymore?"

"I did knock you, old goat. Twice. Now I don't care what you do in your own time but this is business hours. The old hag is not gonna like this. I wouldn't be surprised if she..."

"Now wait just a second." Akem stammered, "It... It's not my fault! Ivory... That little sexy vamp... She... she..."

"Yeah, right. Cause she has a thing for goats, right?"

"Alright, alright, look just don't tell anybody and I'll give you Immunity to Silver."

"I don't know, this is just beyond wrong. I think we need a new chest keeper, I mean we've had a lot of complaints..."

"Anything! I'll give you anything! Just keep this between you and me."

"Well, I did want to give Anishka a Veil of thorns for her birthday..."

"It's yours! I got one right here! Take it just PLEASE don't tell anyone." Akem ran behind the curtain and returned with a lacey veil. "Take it and go. Just don't tell anyone!"

"All right, but if I ever hear..."

"Never! I swear, it will never happen again."

Caspian turned toward the door, smiling, he called back over his shoulder, "Oh, one more thing. Give that LeStat guy a couple hundred Command Rat swarms and tell him Ivory says, 'Hi'."

"Sure thing. This is just between us right?"

Caspian opened the door, "Yeah. Just between you and me." Pulling the door closed behind him, he muttered, "Far as you know.

"Fekkin' goat."