A Pirate's Life for Me

A friend of mine was trying to relate to her significant other the wonder of online fantasy. Her exact quote was "You can be anything you want to be, anything at all. You could be a pirate!"

I laughed at this, only because being a pirate had never entered into my own overactive fantasy ridden head. For the sake of friendship I opted to take a shot at it, let me know what you think.

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So I'm minding my own business, hopping from yardarm to yardarm, dagger in my teeth, when to my surprise, I spy a buxom wench tied to the main mast. Apparently she was the daughter of some sort of dignitary, promised to the prince, when she was kidnapped from a Spanish galleon to satisfy the carnal desires of Captain Bleh. Sorry, Captain Bleigh was taken, deal with it.

Her hair shone like spun silk in the early morning sun. It blew in the salt air like a mane. She wore only a blouse off the shoulders and a long skirt, which was also blowing in the same salty breeze. Her hands were tied behind her back, and her head was down. She was depressed, frightened, and just plain freaking tired of standing there tied to the goddamn mast.

I was so taken aback by her incredible beauty that I almost missed the crows nest. The Parrot on my shoulder cussed at me as I climbed in to keep my watch. Lookout duty sucked, not only were you stuck in this stupid basket for hours on end, but they don't allow any entertainment at all up here. It makes for a long day when you can't listen to your Twisted Sister records, the soundtrack to any good pirates life.

I settled back for a long boring day, whittling a pair of salad tongs out of Captain Bleh's spare wooden leg with my dagger, when suddenly I heard a female cry, EEEEEk, I do believe she said. I looked over the edge of my crow’s nest only to see the crew surrounding the young damsel.

Apparently all of the months at sea had scrambled their brains. They did not want to wait for Captain Bleh's sloppy seconds; they planned to help themselves to her feminine wiles now, no matter what the old kermungen had to say.

Being the company Pirate I was, I couldn't stand by for such a travesty. This was mutiny don't you know. So with a hearty YO HO, (god this is sappy), over the side of the crows nest I went to save the young damsel.

When I arrived on deck, things were starting to get nasty. My fellow shipmates were arguing as to who would be first to sample the young lady. She stood there in horror, breasts heaving under the thin fabric of her blouse, her eyes unable to believe how ugly and unkempt these pirates were. Her ears unable to believe the profanity coming from their mouths. Her nose unable to believe the incredible stench coming from the crew in general. Basically she was standing there in disbelief.

One large sweaty Pirate guy claimed to be of an incredible sexual prowess. He claimed to be able to satisfy any woman with the size of his ummm...Purple Helmeted Warrior, thought you would like that one. All of the other pirates argued, they all boasted of their experiences with various wenches from the alehouses in port.

Finally, knowing that I could not defend the damsel with violence, being I was outnumbered 20 to 1, I decided that instead I would use my wits.

I removed the dagger from my teeth and yelled, "Yo Stinky!” to the leader of the group, he turned and looked at me with disbelief. Not just because I called him Stinky, but it is kind of an unwritten rule on the pirate ship that when you say YO, HO usually follows it.

Momentarily putting aside my Pirate lingo faux pa and my reference to his hygiene, the large pirate said, "WHAT?”

With my next words I reduced all of them to quivering masses of blubber. No one spoke of the goings on below deck under the cover of the darkness, Without going into graphic detail, let me just say this, why do you think they call them Seamen? All of them took turns on the cabin boy they named Sue, not to mention on each other. I never took part in these festivities however; I had a secret stash of girlie magazines and a 55-gallon drum of Vaseline hidden under my bunk. These helped me through many a long lonely night at sea, and kept me away from the other boys on board and kept my flaming heterosexuality intact.

"What makes you think that this young lady would want to have anything to do with a bunch of turd burglars like yourselves?" I asked with a smirk on my face. Suddenly the deck went quiet, they were all so embarrassed, but not willing to admit to their below deck activities.

"What do you mean?" one of them asked, "turd burglars". I was sure they knew what I meant, but continued to elaborate. "You know, rump rangers, stool pushers, butt blasters, booty busters, basically you guys are a big bunch of mo's” With every homosexual reference, a few more pirates scurried away, until finally I was left with the damsel on the deck alone.

Her eyes shone with gratitude, breasts heaving from all the excitement. She stared at me long and hard, her hero. She gazed from the buckles of my shiny boots to the patch over my right eye. From the parrot on my shoulder to the sword dangling from my wide belt. From the Twisted Sister CD in my back pocket to the half eaten Snickers bar in my shirt pocket. From the ruffles on my shirt to the ruffles on my cuffs. Didn't like the ruffles myself, just part of the pirate uniform don't you know. She thanked me profusely for rescuing her from the crew. She begged me to turn her loose, to help her escape.

Like I said, I was a company Pirate, and I couldn't just let Captain Bleh's personal squeeze loose. And the way her breasts were heaving under that thin blouse she was wearing, I couldn't tell her that Captain Bleh was a big impotent guy from way back. You kind of lose your want for sex having 50 guys queering off on the same boat with you.

I decided to have some fun, what the hell, it was my break don't you know. The pirates union provided us with really good benefits. Minimum wage, 5 doubloons an hour, Health care benefits, which came in handy from all the scurvy one comes across in this line of work, and a company picnic like you wouldn't believe every summer. Included in these bennies was a break after crows nest duty. So I decided to have some fun with the young damsel. Don't think less of me, I hadn't seen a real woman in months, not counting when the Cabin Boy Sue would get up dressed in drag and sing show tunes for us.

I spoke not a word, but walked over to the damsel. The terror in her eyes was great, and that did wonders for the Pirate ego. I was a big swashbuckler from way back, she should be scared damnit! Her nipples pointed out through her blouse, rising and falling with her rapid breathing. I reached out and tugged the small garment covering her ample bosom aside, leaving her bare breasted, the salt air blowing her nipples more erect. She stared at me in disbelief, heck of a lot of disbelief going on here.

I reached on and grasped her firm young bosom with both of my gnarled pirate guy hands. She gasped, in fear or pleasure, I couldn't be sure. She glanced down to see the yardarm growing in my pants, tight, red, pirate guy pants mind you. She pulled at the bonds holding her to the mast. With her hands tied behind her like that, her breasts were thrust into my waiting hands. When my Pirate guy desire had risen to the point of no return, I reached down and ripped her long skirt from her body. I marveled for a moment at her smooth flat tummy, at her trim thighs and at the treasure awaiting me between them.

I grabbed the young lass by the hips and lifted her to me. Her legs parted, I knew not from fear or desire. As both our weight rested up against the mast, I entered her with a mighty Pirate thrust. The waves crashed over the deck, rocking the ship and rocking me in and out of her. Her cries of fear were cries of pleasure now, she wrapped her legs around me and her hips rose to meet me as I pumped her for all a pirate was worth.

Her lips went to my chest, as her hands were still tied to the mast. As she kissed and licked me passionately about my manly Pirate guy chest and nipples, I was reaching the point we were both thrusting for. LAND HO, she cried as I felt the petals of her womanhood climax around my blood-engorged dingis. I filled her with all the sea water, okay cum, I had to offer. Her body writhed as I filled her like an ale mug with my manly, pirate guy seed

The ship pitched and swayed as we basked in the afterglow. The fury of rutting with this wench on the high seas had momentarily affected my sea legs. I looked at her now, breasts heaving, face flushed, and hands still tied to the mast. If I didn't get her covered up soon, she would catch a nasty sunburn for sure. It seemed a pity though, a young lass incapacitated in such a state, to cover her up would probably violate my pirate's code.

While I was a company pirate, chivalry was not dead on the high seas. Instead of covering up her alabaster globes, I opted to break out the pirate's best friend. A bottle of Eric the Red no more Super Sunscreen, SPF 300 would work nicely.